Hello Sporadians!! The Chop here today reporting that I recently went and saw GONE GIRL and I really liked it but, I also have to report that I saw two too many dongs in that thing. I mean really!! So, as I am casually known as the Boobs and Blood guy, I was inspired to put together a Top Ten list of people’s dongs I never need to see again as long as I live.
10. The guy from THE PERFUME OF THE LADY IN BLACK.
Through a series of flashbacks we learn that this man wearing only an undershirt and NOTHING else has his way with this lady’s mother, and then turns his intentions to her as a young child. Nothing graphic is shown in the form of what happens to the youth but, as the man dismounts her mother, his sausage comes with him, Flopptiy Flop. Gross.
9. Sylvester Stallone’s salami from THE ITALIAN STALLION.
MMM HMMMMM Yep. Rocky did a porn. How do I know this? I learned to read at a very young age and one day I was reading the paper, looking at the movie section and saw that a new Rocky movie had been released called THE ITALIAN STALLION (which is Rocky’s nickname). I guess, after ROCKY was so successful, they re-released it out to unsuspecting viewers like my mother who was ROCKY’s biggest fan. So, off we went and the thirteen year old ticket taker didn’t give a fuck what he was doing so there we were. We didn’t stay long. I see on IMDB it’s now called THE PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD’S. Nice.
8. Terry O’Quinn’s wiener in THE STEPFATHER.
UM. Didn’t expect that! After he murders his family, he barbers his own hair, shaves his beard and exposes himself to the camera while getting in the shower. Thanks but no thanks, guy from Lost.
7. Dr. Manhattan’s low hanging torpedo from WATCHMEN. (That link is NOT to WATCHMEN).
You’d think that when they head to Ozmandias’ HQ up at the top of the world that there would be some shrinkage there, but NOPE. Dingle Dangle Dingle Dangle.
6. Scrotey’s Lil Pee Pee
Zutsonians who don’t read my site probably won’t get this reference so you might skip over it. Scrotey is one of my oldest friends. One night, back when I was a single dude living in an apartment, he came over so we could go out and do something. When he arrived I was talking on a telephone with my manager at the time. I guess he got impatient since I wasn’t paying him any attention so he poured a glass of water from the sink tap and put his dong in it and showed it to me. That was kind of an awkward pause in the conversation with my female manager.
5. Luke Abbott ORACLE OF FILM.
I don’t believe there’s anything else that needs to be said on this topic.
4. Neil Patrick Harris’ Willie from GONE GIRL.
REALLY???? A bloody weenus from NPH??? Also – why was he chosen to be the guy who bops that crazy bitch in the movie?? Him??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
3. The guy with the moustache that’s been in every porn I’ve ever seen.
I’ve never seen a porn but this guy has been in almost every one I’ve ever seen, including Brian Johnson’s wedding video. For real, pop in a porn and he’ll be there. I think, I’ve never seen one.
2. Marky Mark and his enormous hog leg from BOOGIE NIGHTS.
1. Bruce Willis’ Little Finger from COLOR OF NIGHT.
I mean, not only was this one of the worst movies I saw during the 90s. but I also had the unfortunate opportunity to view Willis swimming around naked, Dong, Taint and all. I mean REALLY??? What does he think he is, FRENCH???