JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (1979)

AND WE’RE BACK!!! I hope everyone has enjoyed some relaxation, massages and foot rubs because JB and I are back and going to hit the Amityville franchise. Now – obviously, we watched these before these posts come out so, there’s been discussion between Mistress JB and I regarding the merits of these movies and their IMDB ranks. I’ve heard a few gripes over the last few weeks about some of these so – in my defense – when I picked this franchise I only thought there were a FEW of them, not 12…. so… yes there are some serious stinkers ahead of us but we persevere and press on! Let’s see what we have going on here….

SYNOPSIS: Based on a true story that was claimed by writer Jay Anson, The Amityville Horror is about a large house on the coast of Long Island where newly weds George and Kathy Lutz and their three children move into the house that they hope will be their dream house but it ends up in terror. Despite full disclosure by the real estate agent of the home’s history, George and Kathy buy the house. George says, “Houses don’t have memories,” but they turn to their family priest Father Delaney who believes the house is haunted and performs an exorcism on the house. But the evil spirit in the house causes him to become blind and makes him very ill. George and Kathy with the help of another priest Father Bolen and a police detective they face the fears of the house, but not knowing the spirit is planning to possess George and then the children… – via IMDB

*MY PART CONTAINS SPOILERS*

I am going to be totally honest and admit that this scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it when I was a kid. I was just getting into horror at the time – Friday the 13th and Halloween and the like and I enjoyed that feeling of being scared so one night I rented this on video tape and plugged it in AND I GOT TO SEE LOIS LANE’S TIT!!!!!

Somehow I kept watching and got to the part where Brolin takes the axe to his daughter and I absolutely freaked the fucked out. My mom’s boyfriend at the time of the watch looked EXACTLY like Brolin with the long black hair and the bushy beard and I just KNEW he was going to go batshit and murder me and my mom in our sleep so I shut that fucking tape off and went and cried in my room – kind of like I did when True Detective was over. And, to this day – or yesterday to be honest, I had always been a little scared to watch it again.

But once our Nightmare series was winding down, I groveled before The Beloved JB and asked if she would do another one with It and she said yes but it was It’s turn to choose the series and, since everyone needs to face their childhood demons I picked this franchise. So, yesterday I sat down and watched this thing and…… aside from the mildly disturbing dream sequence Lois Lane has where her husband murders their child, this wasn’t remotely frightening in the least bit. And – does anyone remember the GIF we made for Nightmare 2 where the teenager gets out of bed and his balls hang to his thighs? I commented on that that I think he’s dropping a tennis ball in his drawers as he arises. What do you think?

Also – someone forgot to put her pants on before she did her stretches.

Seriously, the scariest thing about this movie was when the babysitter got locked in the closet…

I think what we have here is that in 1979 this was probably terrifying to everyone who saw it. It must have made a lot of money because I know they made a couple of these. But – for those of us who haven’t seen it yet – we’ve all seen this 1000 times before. A chair rocking with no one in it, a priest screaming and the devil doing something wacky in a church apse. Flies, blood dripping from walls, cats jumping into a window, blah, blah, blah. Again – this was probably a game changing Devil Haunted House back in the day – or you may have watched it and remember it with nostalgic delight (like me and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS) but, if this is your first time to actually sit through it, it’s noisy and kind of boring. And – despite my memory of it being brutal – no one dies after the opening credits. That was kind of unstimulating. But you probably wouldn’t be stimulated in the first place. I wonder what JB thought? I know she’s a big fan of he remake that I haven’t seen.

#loislanesboobs

#loislanessatan

#loislanesbutt

#satanandhisbuddies

Alright, alright. My turn. Now, I have never actually seen this one, but hey? We all have a few movies we have missed. Yes, I am a fan of the remake (I can see myself getting shot), the Chop got that right. When he piped up that we should watch the Amityville films, I don’t think either of us realised how many there were and the ordeal that we signed up for. Needless to say, people, keep your eyes peeled for like… a Shitfest Friday every Friday 😛

Now, being the first time I have ever seen this, I was relatively entertained from the off (sorry Chop, I know you aren’t the greatest fan). I didn’t find it overly dull, and I really liked how atmosphere was concentrated on more than anything. Sure, we have seen all these scenes a million times before, make no mistake, but the horror genre is a genre, unfortunately, that has a lot of recycled material.

James Brolin was pretty good, I liked him quite a bit, and I liked Margot Kidder. The two of them also worked quite well together. There was plenty wrong with this film, but there were also some things that were done right. It’s a typical haunted house movie, but what makes this one more popular than the others is simply the address, the Amityville house, the infamy. Other than that, it brought nothing particularly special to the table.

I liked it well enough, and the more Amityville movies I watched, the more that I realised that this was simply phenomenal in comparison to the rest of the films that would make their entry to this franchise. And really, this one was a mixed bag – some things it nailed, other things it totally missed.

Uhm… I have actually run out of things to say about this one. I was always sure that I was missing a masterpiece or something, and after watching this I can officially, and with ease, say that I haven’t missed anything particularly gory or amazing. It works alright for a haunted house horror, but it is incredibly dated at times. Not always in a bad way, and I liked the way the atmosphere was built on. That worked for me, it did. Evidently I am pretty much on the fence about this one, but I liked it infinitely more than Chop Eric!