JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (2005)

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HA! After months of watching some really crap drab Amityville films, we finally get to the one that I have been waiting for… the only film of this entire franchise I had even actually seen before undertaking this project! Anyway, the Chop had never seen this one, and after the road we have come along for this, what did we both think of the remake? Is it one of those Hollywood fuck up embarrassments like A Nightmare On Elm Street or The Wicker Man? Did The Amityville Horror rise above those films? Is it as bad as some people say? Is it worse? Today we delve into these extreme existential questions of the Amityville Horror remake!

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SYNOPSIS: In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz along with their three children move into an elegant Long Island house. What they don’t know is that the house was the site of a horrific mass murder a year before. They decide to keep the house and attempt to keep the horror in the past, but are now haunted by a murderous presence. This is until, George starts to behave weirdly and their daughter, Chelsea starts to see people. What follows is 28 days of sheer, unbridled terror for the family with demonic visions of the dead. Based on the true story of George and Kathy Lutz, The Amityville Horror remains one of the most horrifying haunted house stories ever told – because it actually happened. – via IMDB

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Let’s get it out of the way right now. I used to like this film well enough. More than other people, I reckon. But then I started watching this dastardly franchise and let me tell you something… I have come to realise I freaking love this movie!

And no… not just for Ryan Reynolds…

ryan reynolds body

Although, you know… he’s really fucking fine!

ryan reynolds hot

Okay, okay, in a serious light though! Moving on… (ladies, stay tuned 😉 )

The Amitville Horror so does not deserve the hate that is thrown upon it all the time. Really. I liked the original just fine, so it isn’t even because I hated that. I just think that this one came together pretty well plus Ryan Reynolds.

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There were some creepy aspects to it, though never anything truly horrifying or scary, it really went for jump scares. However, little kid below hauling ass to go pee and hauling ass and jumping into his bed? Totally believable. Hell, I’ve hit quarter chicken status in life and sometimes (especially when I am home alone), I can scurry from my room to the bathroom and back and only feel safe again when I get to my blankies. Don’t even judge me monkeys!

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The Amityville Horror is not the offensive remake that it could have been. It holds itself in its own right and offers some pretty cool entertainment, provided you do not take it to be a true story.

Plus, Ryan Reynolds.

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I swear, he isn’t the only thing about this movie that is appealing! Besides strutting his stuff looking sexy as hell the whole time, he also happened to be pretty damn good in the role. See… Reynolds can do more than just comedy, though he is incredibly adept at that 🙂

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Okay, okay. Uhm, let’s see… there was also the awesome concept of him losing his shit and wielding an axe and stomping around and freaking out (Lauren, I know that this worked alright for us – well, the appearance and minimal clothing, at least).

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I think this person missed the point of which way to take “George” out of the bathtub for a hug… wrong way tub arms!

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Okay, okay, seriously. The story has obviously been pimped and changed up so that we get more of a “horror” film and does not work on atmosphere like the original. There are plenty holes and stuff, but I think… I think… more Ryan Reynolds makes the world a better place…

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This was the first of these films in a really long time that didn’t leave me with this reaction:

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Like I said two months ago, I had never seen this because I was scared shitless by the original back when I was a kid. When this came out I was also not really into Ryan Reynolds (although now I am a big fan) and JB was 15 years old. Feel old yet???? So, as we watched these in order and it came time for something modern I REALLY liked this movie and……………………… RACHEL NICHOLS and MELISSA GEORGE?????????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE IN THIS???????????????? I mean, I know this next clip is from P2 but….. OMG OMG OMG

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I’ve been a big fan of hers since I saw her in THE WOODS so long ago. And by big fan I mean – no wait. Let’s not go there. This isn’t my site. Did someone say G.I. Joe???

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So – back to the movie. This time around Reynolds and George play the heads of the family that move into the fateful hou-

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Sorry. ~the house and the demons start to get up in Reynolds grill and he starts chopp-

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*shakes head to regain composure*

~ starts chopping up firewood and there’s a ghost running around and sticking her finger in the hole in her head and there’s some flies and Reynolds yells at-

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*loosens collar*

*wipes handkerchief across back of neck*

*wonders where this fucking handkerchief came from*

~starts yelling at everyone and Chloe Grace Moretz is on the roof and why did they have to kill the dog and I wonder if Marley Shelton will show up in this post and there’s two piece bikinis and libraries and someone nee-

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HUH WHAT HUH HUH HUH What’s going on here?? I really liked this movie!!

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*goes outside*

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28 thoughts on “JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (2005)

  1. emmakwall says:

    FANTASTIC! I actually think this film is great! I bought both this and the original in a double DVD box set and watched them both – I thought the remake was better (though I’d never watched the original so I didn’t have nostalgia on my side)

    Ryan Reynolds. Now. I know we all letch and make jokes but seriously, how FIT he is in this movie has to be drawn attention to. And I’m not just talking about being shirtless, low PJ bottoms and cutting wood. I’m talking BEARD and BROWN HAIR. I love Reynolds but I don’t fancy him when he has highlights. He was a real brawny man in this film and we should never be allowed to forget that. I actually think it’s insane how fit he was in this movie!!!!!!

    Anyway 🙂

    I only realised recently it was Chloe Moretz as the little girl! Such a cutie pie.

    But yeah this film is fun and creepy AND I preferred it to the original.

    Oh and I liked The Nightmare on Elm Street remake :p

    I think I’m going to hate the Poltergeist one though 😦

    P.S Ryan Reynolds.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zoë says:

      Yeah, I also didn’t have nostalgia to rain all over the remake’s parade, either, and I think that helped plenty. It was really good.

      Ryan Reynolds is just freaking delicious ❤ That cannot and will not be denied. And I am not one for facial hair really, but come on! He was just… so… hmmmmmmm…

      YOU LIKED THAT PILE OF CRAP MOVIE?! Oh Emma! You have staked me today! I don't know if I will be able to recover!

      Plus, you know, Ryan Reynolds 😉

      Looking forward to your thoughts on that Poltergeist one then!

      Liked by 1 person

      • emmakwall says:

        I was just looking through the pictures again and he is REALLY buff in this isn’t he! More so than usual?! He’s huge!

        Honestly – how fit he looks is just insane.

        Aww, I didn’t mean to stake you!! Hee hee. Yeah I enjoyed it! I thought it was pretty entertaining and scary. Obviously nothing like the original but fun to watch once (or twice!)

        I don’t mind remakes or anything but I watched the Poltergeist trailer last week and was quite shocked at how bad it looked. It just looked very standard. And the ‘scary bits’ to attract us in the trailer were kinda lame and used bad CGI. I dunno, time will tell! I’ll still watch it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Zoë says:

        He’s just delicious all over hahahahaha.

        I can hear you are having a real serious perve moment, LOVE IT!!

        UGH! EMMA! STOP! You are making it worse! xD Well, I suppose I am glad you enjoyed it (once or twice)!

        Uh oh, that really does sound bad!

        Liked by 1 person

      • emmakwall says:

        I am in awe of this man! Hahahaha! Last time I got so excited was over the Zac Efron ‘BBQ pics’ from Bad Neighbours.

        Sorry Zoe!!!!!!!! I hope you don’t hate me. Honestly I don’t think it’s on a par with the originals AT ALL, but I remember watching it and thinking at least they did something different and I thought the nightmare sequences were spooky! I didn’t like the pervy shit with Freddy though.

        Anyway, enough now! I’m digging a hole here….can you still see me?!!!! 😀

        P.S RYAN REYNOLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤

        Like

  2. table9mutant says:

    I agree that this one really wasn’t too bad although I prefer the original. But all I really remember now is Reynolds having his shirt off all the time. I don’t even really like him but he looked damn good with no shirt in this! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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