JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Haunting (2011)

Amityville is still in full swing people! Hell yeah, you know it! We have been having a crazy party for weeks now every Friday, and it just keeps getting better. Can this franchise top itself? It it even possible? After last week’s awesome entry, could they keep going in a strong direction? Well, they’ve tried their hand at the old found footage thing. Yep. Found footage. True story! Well… what did we think about their found footage dabbling? Read on to find out!

SYNOPSIS: This movie is a ‘found-footage’ film about the Benson family who move in to the infamous house where the DeFeo family were murdered in the 1970s over 30 years earlier. Things start happening to anyone who visits this house, and whoever lives there. This is the footage retrieved from the camera. – via IMDB

Are you fucking joking? I mean really?! As if these movies weren’t offensive enough, we have stepped into found footage filming! I promise you! Found footage!!

This piece of crap movie starts with friends all banging in this Amityville house and then there is a family moving in.

From there, things get so much freaking worse. I kid you not. The lamest, stupidest, cheesiest deaths all start happening. Nobody can act to save their lives, and there was no creepy aspect to it. None whatsoever.

I always seem to get to the place in these ridiculous movies that I think there is no possible way they can get worse. I always think this. I am always wrong. This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever watched. And I am not even just saying that. I mean it. I just couldn’t buy into anything that went on. The characters were stupid, the movie was shot ridiculously, the dialogue was so faulty, everything was just fucking stupid and I hated every second of it. There was nothing to commend about it, either, nothing creepy, nothing that could mean anything.

The camera being ever present was not realistically explained at all (which I know is common to most found footage movies) but hell. This one… I just… and that dad was a prick on top of it all. His family was pretty terrified of him, and that nobody addressed that is beyond me. Abusive twat. Plus he went cuckoo in the end. Totally batshit crazy.

Alos, they are calling this house the Amityville house. Is this where we have gotten? After all this time?

Hold the phones kids! Apparently DeFeo didn’t kill anyone and someone else did and that someone else is like.. tiny and I just don’t even know how we got to this dark and evil place. How the fuck could these movies get any worse that they already were?!

Confession Time:

1 hours 23 minutes took me 6 hours to watch. I am the fucking master of all procrastinators.

I hated it.

I FUCKING HATED IT.

This goddamned movie sucked the most balls out of anything I think I have ever seen. Some puke family buys “the Amityville house” from the original even though it’s been destroyed in all of the sequels. This bag of puke films the entire thing and we have to see his bag of puke face way too many fucking times:

Being found footage, the cocksucking camera glistens and statics and puke shit ghosts appear. See this next picture?

That’s allegedly the ghost of the kid who killed everyone in the first one except he’s like, eight.  Apparently he’s haunting the house and causing workers and real estate people to die. He also eats the daughter’s cereal and stands there by the fucking door. At one point the dad gets mad and starts punching the air where he thinks the ghost is. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen and I wanted to take a fat shit on this movie but I was watching it on my computer and didn’t want to soil my brand new monitor.

I hated everything about this movie: the puke acting, the puke found footage, the puke Amityville house with it’s fancy new appliances and wood floors, the puke ghosts, the puke ending and the puke puke I puked while watching this puke. FUCK YOU, movie!