So I started watching The Sopranos recently, and I gotta say, I am a fan. In this latest endeavour, we met Paulie Gaultieri, one of Tony Sopranos guys, and he is so entertaining. Paulie is hilarious, ridiculously proud of his heritage, and the one that gets the most peeved and the fastest when it comes to cultural appropriation. Man, there was that time where he stole that thing out of the one coffee shop purely because they stole from the Italian dream. Golden man, golden. Anyhow, Tony suspects a rat in his organisation, and Paulie is tasked to check out his colleague, Pussy. Totally besides the point. The point here is that this car horn had me in freaking stitches. It is perfect, and totally something Paulie would have hooked up in his car.
“We killed a man and ruined the lives of everyone he knew.”
– Julie James
SYNOPSIS: After an accident on a winding road, four teens make the fatal mistake of dumping their victim’s body into the sea. But exactly one year later, the dead man returns from his watery grave and he’s looking for more than an apology. – via IMDB
This was big when I was a rugrat. I mean huge. This is something I saw quite a few times. I might not have loved the crap out of it then, but it was okay. Seeing it all these years later? Sheesh. There really were some bad flicks that came out in the nineties. It’s like… the film is actually pretty funny because it is so silly, but it tries to take itself too seriously, and that is what hurts it.
Anyway, I don’t have an awful lot to say. I can’t help but think that this film embodied the nineties in so many ways – I think the most obvious is the stars attached to it. Ryan Phillippe nails that rich, crazy, spoiled brat, and this was no exception. This was, however, one of the times I was not a big fan of him, and I usually enjoy him. I think it is more his character than him, but he was still just a meh character all round. The cast wasn’t actually bad. Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze Jr, and Sarah Michelle Gellar? They all delivered their totally one dimensional characters just fine. Corny lines and all.
Anyway, the premise to this is actually so weak and over the top silly. I mean come on! These kids all look like they have been through the wringer, and nobody is wondering what the hell happened to this tight-knit group of elite friends to reduce them all to absolutely nothing? I don’t buy it. I really don’t. The movie was chock full of any type of horror cliché it could squeeze into it, and was predictable, but still relatively entertaining when all is said and done. It is fluffy and light and silly. The villain is actually so ridiculous, and that also really hurts the movie. The super sappy ending also didn’t help matters, either. My eyes went a-rolling.
Typical nineties teen slasher with a very recognizable cast, but ultimately is quite the flat, uninspired experience and doesn’t have much going for it. There are infinitely better popcorn entertainment horror/slasher movies out there to keep yourself busy with. I certainly won’t be rushing to rewatch this and its questionable content anytime soon.
“I’ve got you.”
SYNOPSIS: A mere 200 yards from shore, surfer Nancy is attacked by a great white shark, with her short journey to safety becoming the ultimate contest of wills. – via IMDB
The Shallows, ah yes. The movie that was loved for all sorts of
Blake Livel’y ass reasons. I finally got to check it out, an animal villain movie can really be good, especially if it’s a shark. They fascinate me, though I am properly terrified of them. Seriously guys, majestic but scary as all hell. Ryan brought this to my attention a while ago when he announced it was coming, and again when it was released and he reviewed it. It seems we saw pretty much eye to eye on this one!
Anyway, The Shallows boasts a ridiculously thin plot, which is sort of okay for the type of film it is. We need to know enough about Nancy to root for her, but we don’t need enough for it to be a drama. We want shark action! Speaking of, that shark action was present in abundance, and I loved it. It was so over the top, so insane, so hilarious, you couldn’t help but enjoy it. Don’t expect too much from this movie, and it will be great popcorn entertainment.
That shark was cuckoo, I want to say this right off the bat. Keith billed The Shark as Best Villain in his Annual K&M Random Movie Awards, and this shark was insane. The concept of being trapped in the ocean with this shark who is actively hunting you is terrifying. The movie manages to drive home that scary factor, and there were a few times where I found myself tensing up to see what would happen, no matter that this was a tad unrealistic. That shark was crazy vindictive, and played some major games with her.
Blake Lively wasn’t bad, she took the story where it needed to go, and was pretty well cast. I really liked her little bird companion, too. It was a really limited film, considering it was built on Blake Lively, a scary as heck shark, an injured bird, and a rock in the middle of the ocean. It managed to work well with less, this is true. The movie is littered with silly moments actually, when you look back on it, but it totally works for the movie, too. It’s ridiculous, but you can’t help but be entertained, even with the funky CGI. I don’t think it has much rewatch value though, to be honest. Again, not something to be taken too seriously, but you can have fun and a little tension thrown into the mix.
SYNOPSIS: EVERY DAY THE SAME
Rachel takes the same commuter train every morning and night. Every day she rattles down the track, flashes past a stretch of cozy suburban homes, and stops at the signal that allows her to daily watch the same couple breakfasting on their deck. She’s even started to feel like she knows them. Jess and Jason, she calls them. Their life—as she sees it—is perfect. Not unlike the life she recently lost.
And then she sees something shocking. It’s only a minute until the train moves on, but it’s enough. Now everything’s changed. Unable to keep it to herself, Rachel goes to the police. But is she really as unreliable as they say? Soon she is deeply entangled not only in the investigation but in the lives of everyone involved. Has she done more harm than good? – via Goodreads
Uhm. Yeah. This. Why? Why was this so hyped? I disliked it within the first few pages (and not just because I am still bitterly missing 11/22/63 or anything like that). I kept reading. The jumping around of time grated on my last nerve. Seriously. It didn’t even jump around and make sense. It only made sense by the end. That doesn’t help man! I was left frustrated the whole way through. Forget the time skipping for a moment, and just look at the characters. They were hateful!
Hateful characters don’t help. There is nobody to root for. There is nobody you support, that you want to see win, come out tops, nothing. Rachel, our main main lead, grated on my last nerve. Alcoholic, broken, whiny, sorry case, pathetic. Which was fine, but she was also completely unstable. I mean completely. The things she did, the way she thought? Rachel was the pits. Like, I felt sorry for her on one hand, but on the other, come on. Then there is Anna, another unlikable character. A cheat with no integrity and the gall to be the bitch that she was. Then there was Megan, too. I just… the whole book is about these upset, depressed people playing games, and that would have been okay, except the book dawdled around and around in circles and really didn’t feel like it went anywhere. It could easily have been shorter.
The book also requests you suspend belief way too much (I mean just look at the crap that Rachel gets up to). The police investigation is another thing that just annoyed me. Ugh. None of the characters worked for me. I also had major issues with the fact that if you don’t read who is guiding the chapter at the beginning and stick to it, you cannot pick up a voice and be like “oh, this is Rachel/Anna/Megan”, which is criminal, in my minds.
The pacing didn’t work for me. This book was excessively long-winded for the story it told. It dawdled. It didn’t build tension. It didn’t reel me in. I just don’t get why people loved the heck out of this? It just wasn’t my cup of tea at all. I can’t recommend it, but my opinion is in the extreme minority on this one.
Okay, not technically a Sporadic Scene, sure, but holy crapsticks man, I love this! My dear Chop, I am sure that you will find the same type of satisfaction in this, you and I can be so bad. This speaks to my soul. Anyway, I will stop waffling, check this out if you haven’t already, lots of fun and totally worth a few minutes of your time 🙂
“Spirit, can you hear me?”
– Alice Zander
SYNOPSIS: In 1967 Los Angeles, a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their seance scam business, inviting an evil presence into their home. – via IMDB
I must be very honest and open with the fact that I have not seen any other Ouija movies at all, but was interested in checking this out because of Mike Flanagan. I am really conflicted about his work because it can be really good, but it can also be really blandly normal, so I was interested to see where this would land.
Well, let’s start with I don’t get the high ratings this movie gets. I really, honestly don’t. The movie is a mess. Truly it is. Initially it starts and it is interesting and constructed pretty well, and it is engaging and has an interesting premise, what with a mother using her daughters to manipulate people about the great beyond. This is all good, and seems to be what you want. However, it swiftly moves in another direction, and it is not nice.
The story is actually really weak, and the longer the movie goes on, the more terrible and soft it becomes. The movie putters along with ridiculous logic and all, but come the third act? It completely devolves. Moves from “okay” territory to “absolutely absurd”. Not a good thing, nope. Ugh, what a waste!
The performances were alright, but sometimes they were terribly unconvincing. I was pleased that the movie did not force the jump scares the whole time, and the movie was shot quite well, so it looked and sounded good. But yeah, it just falls apart. There are some decent things going for it, and then there are some major issues.
Ouija: Origin of Evil is a mixed bag all round. The story flimsy as hell, but it looks good, and is carried by performances that are alright, but not brilliant. It started with great atmosphere, then fell apart. There are worse movies to waste your time on (just look at the Chop and I soldiering through those Amityville movies), but this is not something I would highly recommend, or something I would be rushing to watch again.
Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?
SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB
Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!
Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.
The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.
The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.
I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it, I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!
Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.
Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.
There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.
This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.
Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.
Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!
Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.
I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:
Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”
I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…
JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.
When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.
I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.