JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Exorcism (2017)

Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?

SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB

Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!

Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.

The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.

The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.

I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it,  I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!

Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.

Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.

There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.

This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.

#Completists

Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.

Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!

Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to  board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.

I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:

Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”

I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…

JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.

When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.

I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Terror (2016)

Once again JB and I delve into the Crimes Against Humanity section of movie making and take a look at The Amityville Terror. Is it bad?? Oh god yes! Is it the worst?? Well…. I hate to spoil things but that’s coming up soon. I thought this had some passable moments but it wasn’t good by any means. I think it’s funny that this franchise will never die and we’re attached to it despite all of our good intentions. There’s a line in a movie called Reign of Fire where Matty Maconougheyhey says “We have paid a terrible price….” and I think the two of us can both attest to that.

Let’s go!

SYNOPSIS: When a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there. – via IMDB

A perfectly happy family, living in peace on a sunny parcel of land in California receive news that the bank is foreclosing on them and they must vacate immediately. The mother and father ignore these messages and spend their days and nights pounding away at each other; in the bed, on the clothes dryer, in a pool of cold marsala gravy spilled on the floor, etc. The daughter gets sick of this so she spends her days dirt back riding. One day, while she is out in the hills riding her bike and collecting possums, the bank sends a bulldozer to the house, razing it to the ground, killing her parents. Distraught, but happy that all that constant banging is over, she moves in with her aunt in New York where she gets possessed and goes on a sick murdering streak until she is finally gunned down in a Bonnie and Clyde style shoot out on Amityville’s Main Street.

Sound good??? Well, it’s not and, honestly, none of that really happens. What does happen is this:

Girl and family move to new town… into a house possessed by Satan…

Girl meets boy…

Drunken aunt bathes in acid….

Someone has to deal with Satanic rosebushes…

Someone gets a blowjob from his own sister then bangs her over the kitchen table….

Someone somehow turns into some sort of growling witch with white eyes…

OOPS!! How’d that get in there??

And then it is, mercifully over… or is it????

I know it’s always fun to rag on a bad movie – and this one is BAD – but it’s not the worst of the bunch. The Amityville Playhouse was the worst of them all. This one is awful, to be sure, but it did have a couple of cool spots in it. Maybe three. The dialogue is pitiful. The CGI is THE WORST. Most of the story makes no fucking sense BUT it was better then Playhouse.

Things like this happen: a fully nude woman is taking a bath. Elsewhere in the house, her brother pours some drain cleaner down a sink. The tub fills with acid! “OOHMYGODOHMYGODIMBURNING!!!” she screams, falling out of the tub, exposing her shaved business. But she’s really not. Psych!

Later, a woman looks at her rose bushes. They are dead. So, as we all would, she starts screaming and moaning and pulls them out of the ground slashing her arms on the thorns and smearing blood all over her face. Quality!

Even later that day, the dad comes home from work after killing his boss in the worst fiery death you’ve ever seen. “I killed my boss today” he says. “How about i make you feel better?” she coos and gives him a blowy. Not satisfied, he pounds on her from behind for five seconds, makes his jizz and goes to bed. Uh oh! His wife is already in bed so he must have just boned his sister! Value.!

Yep – it’s bad. Is it #BazookaList bad? I actually didn’t HATE it like I hate some of these things I watch but it wasn’t good. I wonder how JB will react?

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! For reals. The Chop and I have been waiting for the release of Amityville: The Awakening in 2017 (maybe, if they ever get done with it). Waiting? Dreading. Sorry. I need to make amends. Anyway, I was minding my own business the other day when I got this:

I was not shocked when that was followed by:

I could not believe my eyes! This little movie hopped up out of nowhere and beat Amityville: The Awakening to the punch. ANOTHER FREAKING AMITYVILLE MOVIE, WITH ANOTHER FREAKING TERRIBLE TITLE?! This franchise will never die. Then I went to have a look see, and this is what I saw:

It’s a freaking free for all! Just look at that! The list below was posted once upon a time in one of our reviews. These were all the Amityville films. Fourteen, if you count the one we are waiting for in 2017. Now? EIGHTEEN, counting the 2017 one. Four just popped up out of nowhere.

Anyway, after all that, and educating both our readers and ourselves that we (apparently) have a shit ton  more of these crap things to catch up on, I will move on to the actual body of this review.

I totally thought that the one hour, twenty four minute runtime was doable. Heck, shorter than most of the others ones we have trekked through. Goodness, I should have thought about how that same runtime can feel like a lifetime if it is beyond boring. And let me just tell you, The Amityville Terror is less interesting than watching paint dry.

The intro for this movie is godawful, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the movie. It did not improve at all. In fact, it went steadily downhill, with this silly girl playing the lead, an awkward family, a guy that fucks his sister somewhere along the way (really, they went for gold here guys), families sacrificed for witchcraft (I think), and a right hooker looking woman who has odd nipples that rents this death house out to unsuspecting victims.

The dialogue is super stunted, and made me cringe more often than not. I don’t know people who talk to each other like that, it’s not natural. Besides the dialogue being hinky, the interactions between the characters were utterly unbelievable and awkward to watch. The Amityville Terror knows nothing about finesse, and spends no time setting up a story. No, sir. Let’s just get right into the crazy. Not the good kind, mind, just the ridiculous kind.

The costume design was also something that had me wondering wtf. A lot of the women looked like they could do with a hell of a lot more material in their closets, the teenage girl could totally buy brands outside of Fox, and some people need to check their sizing and go shopping again. Gosh, I know how harsh that sounds, but the people even looked uncomfortable, which made things even worse.

As for the characters, I couldn’t stand any of them. Especially Hailey, that daughter. What a little ingrate man, and how rude can you be?! WOW! The characters took over and desperately tried to convince us that there was a story to be found here, which there totally wasn’t.

This movie suffers from bad, bad, bad, bad, bad writing. It is unforgivable actually. The writers stuffed the movie with shitty characters and nudity to try and hide it, and that was even worse. It was beyond stupid and ridiculous to boot, and features some of the best CGI and acting I have ever seen (PLEASE NOTE: Do not miss sarcasm). Like ho-ly shit. That being said, I can think of way worse movies in this godawful franchise. Not that it makes this one amazing or anything, but heck, it is infinitely better that Playhouse, the Chop is right, that was hands down the most offensive of the lot.

Rapid Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1983)

“It’s almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don’t miss it. And don’t forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.”
– Commercial Announcer

SYNOPSIS: Kids all over America want Silver Shamrock masks for Halloween. Doctor Daniel Challis seeks to uncover a plot by Silver Shamrock owner Conal Cochran. – via IMDB

There was a lot of this:

And not enough of this:

What the fuck?! I’m sorry, I can’t even be civil about this! What the hell was the meaning of this?! This is the only movie in the Halloween canon I haven’t watched (I have seen all the Michael Myers ones), so when I popped this in, I thought I was getting a new film on Mikey. Well, no. I guess not. I spent the next 100 minutes having my teeth kicked in. Like, you know when a movie is so insulting you are actually offended when it is over? That was this hunk of junk for me. My husband (who luckily did not have the misfortune of watching this crap with me) spent the rest of the night laughing at me and my shock, horror, and incredulity that I had actually watched something this useless. This is Shitfest bad! Gosh! Okay, let’s even forget that there is no Michael Myers, and just go by the merits of the film – it still blows. I really tried to like it (because I love old school horror, so initially I was not phased by Myers being absent – this still had potential). There was this ridiculous “romance” squeezed in, which I think was just there to cover some sex for the movie (no jokes). The relationship was really creepy and forced, too. The movie had no idea where it was going, and stumbles all over the show while trying to find its feet. Sadly, that meant I was stumbling with it. It takes forever to sort of uncover what the bullshit story line was for this, and it is filled with superbly unlikable characters, so it is glaringly obvious that there is no solid story line because you don’t even like these people enough to chill with them while you figure it out. The writing is absolutely godawful, and there was so much illogical crap going down at any given moment, I just couldn’t anymore. Like, I see what they were going for here, but there was just way too much wrong with it. Just because this movie tosses in a few scenes of the last two Halloween movies in it on the TVs in this movie, does not mean I am okay with it being in the franchise, Let’s talk about the last bit of this movie – how many fucking times can it try to kill this guy and have him escape?! I know that is a common theme for horrors – but this surpassed the average rate exponentially. The only redeeming quality of this movie is probably the score, it’s actually really good. Anyway, useless movie that is bad even if it wasn’t ill placed in the Michael Myers canon, and one that I would highly recommend you skip.

Review: Blood Sisters – Graham Masterton

Katie Maguire #5

I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: In a nursing home on the outskirts of Cork, an elderly nun lies dead. She has been suffocated. It looks like a mercy-killing – until another sister from the same convent is found viciously murdered, floating in the Glashaboy river.

The nuns were good women, doing God’s work. Why would anyone want to kill them? But then a child’s skull is unearthed in the garden of the nuns’ convent, and DS Katie Maguire discovers a fifty year old secret that just might lead her to the killer… if the killer doesn’t find her first. – via Goodreads

Alright, so I wished for this book on NetGalley and I was so happy when I was granted the book. I read some of Masterton’s work when I was younger, and I remember enjoying what I did read, so to find new stuff was pretty cool. However, things didn’t go quite as I had planned or hoped. I was not a fan of the writing style at all. It annoyed me endlessly. Then there was the issue of character naming. Just call the characters on their surnames or their names, not their entire title, name, surname and pedigree. Seriously. It makes for disjointed reading, and I was unimpressed. Not to mention how the story dawdles, like it has no real idea what it wants to do with itself. I read half the book and virtually nothing had changed – the same things were being continually repeated. To give you an idea – it took me the better part of three weeks to read this because I would read a few pages and then just find something, anything, else to do. I don’t know when last I read a book that annoyed me so much or made me procrastinate on the level that I did with this. It was not a tight story, though it had all the potential in the world, it was peppered with unlikable characters, not to mention a ridiculously whiny lead that did nothing to endear herself anywhere – I couldn’t care less what happened to her. The story went on and on and on and nothing was really happening. There was some silly reveal that was supposed to shock that fell flat, and there were plenty admissions and scenes littered throughout the book that I did not enjoy at all. I did not find this thrilling, creepy or anything to get under my skin, to make me think further. I was hoping for that, as there are few things I love as much as a crime thriller, especially when there is a dash of horror mixed into it. This novel just didn’t deliver the goods on that front. Overall, I feel that I wasted a lot of time with this and that sucks, because I was sure this was going to be a decent read. I am sure that there are people that will thoroughly enjoy this, but I was certainly not one of them. Rest assured, I will not be checking out any of the other books in this series.