Review: The Hitman’s Bodyguard (2017)

“The Bible says to never take revenge, to leave it to the Lord. But I wasn’t prepared to wait that long.” 
– Darius Kincaid

SYNOPSIS: The world’s top bodyguard gets a new client, a hit man who must testify at the International Criminal Court. They must put their differences aside and work together to make it to the trial on time. – via IMDB

Dear Lord, I didn’t expect a great movie or anything like that, but I am truly shocked at just how terrible this movie turned out to be. It was godawful and a bag of chips. The trailer had me thinking it would be alright, and it literally featured anything worth seeing in this movie.

My husband and I watched this looking for something a little silly, nothing serious, as we were exhausted from packing up the house (again) and thought something light would tick the boxes. Well, uhm, yeah, then there was this. We expected a bit of cheese, instead we got this hunk of junk. It was not even good cheesy, it just sucked. And it was so long. The two hour run time was so excessive – the movie felt even longer than that, while we are at it. A total punishment to watch.

The jokes were so lame in this, and not one brought forth even so much as a smile from me or my husband. It was deadpan all the way and checking the time more often than not. I know, stupid, we are completists and just sat through it and had regrets. I watch terrible movies because it is fun to write about after the fact, and you all know I have seen some really bad ones over the years.

Anyway, not even Ryan Reynolds could save this, and even a healthy dose of Samuel L. Jackson did nothing to cushion the blows from this. Lame, embarrassing, littered with crappy action sequences and horrendous dialogue, the plot is also just stupid and has no kick to make it worthwhile. It is predictable and messy, that’s all there is to it. Reynolds and Jackson work together, but it just isn’t enough for this wreck.

Yes, I disliked The Hitman’s Bodyguard immensely. That it had a decent cast attached to it and still managed to fail is not shocking, but I honestly didn’t think it would be quite so bad. But it is. It’s long, bloated, badly written and comes together poorly, I would say give this movie a wide berth, you won’t be missing anything at all.

Review: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

“Beware of having a party at all on Saturday night! You may not live to see daylight!”
– Happy

SYNOPSIS: A decades-old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine’s Day turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer’s order and people start turning up dead. – via IMDB

I watched the 2009 remake a few years back and had an absolute blast with it, and figured I should definitely go check out the original then. Well, after all this time I finally got to it and boy, I was not a fan. Coming in at only ninety minutes long, it felt like this was just never going to end – ever. It was painful, and I watched it over a few days.

I don’t know, this just wasn’t my jam. I thought it would be, but there was so much missing here, and it was the bad kind of cheesy to boot, which is unfortunate. Oh well. Plus, no eye candy for me. So I had nobody to watch, and it was chock full of awful characters that I just didn’t like and didn’t care about, with some super crappy dialogue and some sketchy acting. Man, this was just not going to go well. And then, of course, there was the music… dear world, it was just too much.

I feel like my time was wasted here. The whole movie was a lacklustre affair and wasted potential. Yes, we all know how teen slashers are supposed to work and all that, but this was just not my cup of tea, and it was really dated. I just look at how well they pulled this together for the 2009 remake, and think it a pity that this was just… well, wasted. It was embarrassing to watch and annoying at the best of times, and considering the story it had to tell, it could have been more. Instead… no. Just no.

Anyway, there really isn’t much to say here except I found this boring and bad and not worth the watch at all. I am going to let it go right there as I could seriously not be bothered to give this a more in depth look.