JB & The Chop Do: Amityville Dollhouse: Evil Never Dies (1996)

“Evil never dies”, eh???? Seems like neither will this fucking franchise. I know that I’ve had fun with these even though JB hates me for picking them. Terrible, terrible shit some of these are but, for the most part, these have been fun – at least fun to put together. Hopefully our relationship can mend once this is all over. (At least I didn’t suggest the Hellraiser movies, JB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

SYNOPSIS: A dollhouse that is a replica of the infamous Amityville haunted house is given to a little girl. Soon after, all sorts of horrible unexplained accidents start to happen. The family must work together to fight off the terrifying evil that has inhabited their lives. – via IMDB

Well, I’ve done everything I possibly could to try and watch this movie but nothing ever seemed to work. I tried Netflix and Amazon, I tried HBO and Hulu, I tried YouTube and even a pirate site but nothing worked. I guess the gods of the Hell of the Burning Corpses didn’t want me to look at this one so I’ll have to do something different. Let’s check out the trailer:

My first impression from that is that it looks really fucking lame with some terrible acting, terrible hairdos and some sketchy “You’re all gonna die” voice over from some old woman. There’s also some gimmicky drawers flying out of cabinets, looks like some shirtless action and, of course, some more fucking flies and hand wounds. Let’s see what an IMDB reviewer has to say:

I hope this is the end to amityville
1/10
Author: fuzzyfeller from USA
16 February 2004
mindless hollywood please stop. amityville has been so burned out its disgusting. and to think a hoax started it all more than 20 yrs prior.

a mirror ,a dollhouse ,,whats next the amityville hair dryer ,a mysterious hair dryer holds the key to the demon ,,a young woman is possessed everytime she dries her hair and the demon doesnt like split ends … this movie is total trash as is the whole amityville fiasco.

It appears Fuzzy Feller wasn’t a fan of the movie or proper punctuation but he sure likes commas!! Let’s give this review a 2 whatever the fuck this is:

Let’s see what else we have….

It doesn’t even deserve one star
1/10
Author: hannah-158 from New Zealand
26 January 2006
This is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen. Nothing was explained in the end, leaving it open (and Definitely not in the way that makes you hope for a sequel but the way that makes you think “what the hell just happened”) and none of the movie even made sense. Why was the doll house demonic? How did the zombies fit in? Why did the mother fall in love with her stepson? I wasted two hours of my life on this pile of crap. NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE. And I’m not saying this to make you want to watch it just to see how crap it is. I’m seriously saying GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND RUN TO ALL YOUR VIDEO/DVD OUTLETS AND BURN EVERY SINGLE COPY OF THIS MOVIE IN Existence. Whoever made it should BE SHOT.

It doesn’t appear hannah-158 was a big fan either… I wonder if she went to every single store in New Zealand and set everything on fire?? Interestingly enough, it seems that there’s a store called “JB Hi-Fi” that sells DVDs down there…. #irony

Moving along….

see Laurie Foreman topless
2/10
Author: movieman_kev from United States
22 May 2005
this idiotic piece of…film written by Joshua Stern (I REFUSE to use your middle name until you do ANYTHING even remotely worthwhile) revolves around haunted doll house (at least it’s not a cookoo clock, I guess). The aforementioned doll house is found by the dad and given to the daughter as a birthday present. that cheap A-hole. Meanwhile Jimmy Martin acts like a nerdy pathetic boy (C’mon kid you were a young Andrew Dice Clay once, get it together). The film is the epitome of stupidity and I’m sure Hollywood will choose to re-make it any day now. Oh yea and the girl that play’s the sister on “That 70’s Show” unleashes her chest pillows for the only time of her career thus far. (the ONLY reason to even think of conceivably maybe watching this movie.

My Grade: D-

Eye Candy: Starr Andreeff shows her left tit briefly; Eric Foreman’s sister..um..i mean Lisa Robin Kelly goes topless

That’s funny – when I first started using IMDB thirteen years ago, I used to read all of Movie Man Kev’s shit – what a blast from the past! Seems he didn’t like this much either but he seems to like this:

I guess that’s enough of this silliness and I guess I didn’t miss much – let’s turn this over to JB for some good reporting!

I got ridiculously fucking excited when this started up. I thought that we were returning to the Amityville house. I thought shit was about to get real again, back to something that would make sense having the name “Amityville” attached to it. I mean, I didn’t expect a masterpiece or anything but I was desperately trying to be more optimistic than required considering the last few debacles from this franchise.

Well, is it bad to say that I liked this one a lot more than the last few, and it is still an extremely flawed and cheesy film? I think I have gotten so used to how utterly crappy these movies are that I have become so desensitised. But this was definitely a step up, faults and all.

I mean we meet this perfectly “happy” family, and their perfect little dream falls apart within days of discovering this dollhouse replica of the Amityville house that we have not seen since it burnt to the ground in Amityville: 3D and assorted stupid flashbacks that have just been there to force the movies to have some weird recurring theme.

This happy family… meeting them all seems strange, but soon you get into the groove of how weird it is. Bill, the dad, has two kids from his previous marriage, Todd and Jessica. His new wife, Claire, has an incredibly socially stunted son named Jimmy. Todd and Jimmy don’t get along, and it isn’t just because of the age gap. Jimmy doesn’t like his new family and misses his deceased dad, and thinks that he is intellectually superior to everyone around him but his mouse, Max. As for Todd? He just doesn’t know where he fits in in the world.

The movie seemed to be incapable of deciding whether the new house was the issue, or if it was the Amityville dollhouse. I mean… there was a newspaper clipping of a house that burned down, and I thought it was the Amityville house in the third movie, but it turned out to be the house that had burned down on the same lot that Bill had built their new family home on? So… is it the current lot that is making the dollhouse evil? Is the dollhouse evil because it is from the Amityville house? I suspect it might be the dollhouse itself that is haunted, though we haven’t seen it before this one?

#continuity

Then, while trying to piece that conundrum together, we see that things that happen in the dollhouse happen in the real house that dad has built new for his family. But how??? It isn’t the same house?! The layout isn’t the same, nothing! So how can you have a mouse crawl in under a dollhouse bed and have a gigantic mouse appear under the new house bed??? WHY??? WHAT DID I MISS???

I thought it was hilarious how Bill’s sister Marla and her squeeze Tobias just happened to be very well versed in the occult. Nice going guys!

Jimmy’s zombie daddy appears later, as well, and his appearance progressively deteriorates. It was so silly, at the end when there is this big but super cheesy showdown going on between him and Bill? He gets hit, and for all his icky skin and stuff, some super regular fleshed out ankles/calves make a brief appearance.

I got drilled about stop, drop and roll as a kid growing up, but it seems that Todd’s girlfriend totally missed all those training days.

Anyway, I don’t even want to discuss how nothing was resolved in this movie at all. I just don’t even know what to do with that. There were holes and contrivances and some really bad and cheesy acting at times, but it was also shot relatively decently and edited far better than the last lot have been. A mess of a movie for sure, and not necessarily so bad it is good, but in terms of this franchise? It is so bad it’s better than most.

JB & The Chop Do: Freddy vs Jason (2003)

Here we are again, Zutsonians! The second to last one…. it’s sad that this will be coming to an end soon but ——————– do we have anything in store next???? You’ll have to keep tuning in here to find out!!! Here’s a teaser: yes we do! I believe Zoë is doing these out of her own free will but I know I just LOVE our projects ❤ ❤ <3!

So…. yeah……….. Freddy vs Jason – I would like to say that this was my favorite of the bunch but I don’t think it beats the first – or even the second maybe, for that matter. This was definitely more modern and sleek and VERY bloody but I am more of a Jason guy and seeing Fred turn him into a crying baby for a few minutes was kind of off-putting. I also thought the end was WAY too drawn out and could have been cut down a little – I mean – it was almost ridiculous AND (maybe I’m being a dick) but isn’t Fred Krueger a human when he’s not in Hell or whatever? No human being could take the kind of beating he takes from Jason and still keep swinging. Oh well, I definitely didn’t hate it or anything and Katherine Isabelle!!! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!!! GROPE GROPE GROPE!!! Let’s see what we’ve got here….

SYNOPSIS: It’s been nearly ten years since Freddy Krueger terrorized people in the dreams, and the towns folk want to keep him erased from their memory. Freddy still has one more plan on getting back to Elm Street. He resurrects Jason Voorhees and sends him off to kill. The more bodies which fall to the ground, the stronger in which Freddy becomes. This is until, Freddy realizes that Jason isn’t going to step aside easily, and must be taken down himself. – via IMDB

So Fred is in hell and – aw snap – everyone in the town where Elm Street is has forgotten about him and he’s real sore about it. So he decides to resurrect Jason Voorhees to help stir the pot a little while he creeps back into peoples dreams comes back to life as a real human being capable of slicing up John Ritter’s kid and a bunch of stoners. There’s also a rave in a cornfield and something to do with some sleep studies and Monica Keena:

Keena is there to represent, I believe, the sensuality found in nature – the physical embodiment of what Fred Krueger failed to achieve in his life – a blending of the purest form of love found only in drea – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat:

Where was I?? Sorry about that. Kruger and his buddy Voorhees decide to have a strip poker party and invite Keena as the entertainment. She works the stripper pole for an hour and a half and leaves with The Chop to do some private entertaining in the Champagne Room where touching is allowed and because she likes him so much it’s Pro Fucking Gratis. Three hours go by and –

SHIT!! Sorry about that!! My mind must have wandered hahhahahahaha! So at that Rave I was talking about, Keena and The Chop do just a little Ecstasy and slip off into the cornfields to rub each other’s backs and shoulders and give back and thigh massages and maybe even do a little kissing and petting and then end up stark naked and examining each other #ForScience #Research #Studies #Doctorate #Professor

Sweet Jesus, what’s going on here today???? Did someone turn up the heater in this building or something? Someone might need to hose me down with some cold water or something….

So I’m sitting here in my office writing this piece and Keena shows up and asks me if I like her shirt. I tell her it looks pretty good but she better take it off so I can inspect the fabric, you know – to see how soft it is. I wouldn’t want it to be abrasive or anything. I have nothing but her breasts best interests in mind, so she takes it off and hands it over to me and I sniff it real good and hide it in my file cabinet for safe keeping and lock my office door and we start to 

Like I was saying, Krueger is back and wants to start killing again and then he and Jason have a big fight to the death! YAY!!!!! WHOOP!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! GO GO BUFFALO!!!!

You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to get some air.

Alright, so I have a crazy soft spot for Freddy vs Jason, I have an absolute blast with it all the time. It was cheesy, it was fast, it was so painfully clichéd in some places and all that, but it was just totally worth looking into. It was just one of those mash-ups that worked in so many ways. I am not usually a fan of these things, but this one was just what it needed to be, and it came together well.

Freddy vs Jason is certainly more of a Freddy Krueger movie for me, as it seemed he was the one with the biggest plot and also seen as the most dangerous villain. I thought that Ken Kirzinger did a damn fine job as Jason, and he was just one hulking monster taking people out all the time, and I was totally alright with that (who knows, one of these days we might look at all the crazy films that belong to the Friday the 13th canon). Robert Englund simply owned as Freddy Krueger (again – as if we expected anything else).

One of the best things about this movie is the fight scenes. I thought they were well done, action packed and just a little dodgy at times… in the very best way, of course! There were syringes, machetes, air canister missile things, Freddy’s glove, fire, water, everything. Outrageous to boot but awesome!

Something I must admit – there are a lot of boobs in this one. Not necessarily open, out there on display boobs, but holy crapsticks, I think the lead was cast purely on what she looked liked when squeezing her bust into an itty-bitty shirt. I am sure that was just awesome for the male viewers, really.

I enjoyed the premise, and Ronny Yu did a great job directing this. He managed to fuse the two universes successfully (in my opinion). The pacing was fine, the plot was better than most we have seen in the Krueger canon at the end (though the same can be said of Jason’s films), and the soundtrack worked for it. Also, some Katharine Isabelle for those of you who are interested.  You can’t really go wrong with Freddy vs Jason for a thriller/horror/action type thing, and there were some great throwbacks to both the franchises. I know that this movie isn’t the most popular, but I totally think it is deserving of some love.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Top Eight Movie Crushes: Screenkicker Movies

Alright, so Michael over at Screenkicker Movies naturally had to go and break the rules completely and submitted me a list of his top eight crushes here to be hosted. I have no issues, a list is a list! I bumped him up a little and out of the Friday thing seeing as his subject matter is something that got rather popular on the blogs around here for a while. Mikey runs an awesome site that features a few things concerning movies and television and what not, and it is always an entertaining read, so enough of my babbling, let me step aside so that you can all have a look see at what he has to bring to the table!

Should you be interested in submitting a Top Ten list, draw up a list of either your top ten personal favourite movies or a top ten list by a specific genre/theme and send it along to me at sporadiczoe@hotmail.com. Hope to see a few more lists!

Over the last few weeks I’ve been noticing some of my blogging buddies publishing their lists of their top movie crushes. Zoë and T9M predictably had entire lists of male characters so I thought it would be interesting getting a hotness list from a typical male. That was the plan, however, after reading my list back I realise I’m not a typical male but a borderline sexual deviant. My list is made up of the following traditionally sexy traits as convicted child murderers, robots, hideous witch/dragon things, librarians, and accountants. So if you’re any of these or even better a combination of all of them then get in touch! Read on if you dare.

Vesper Lynd (Eva Green) – Casino Royale

Eva Green as the ridiculously named Vesper Lynd is an accountant by trade yet she somehow makes the least sexy job in the world seem appealing. She also has an aura of vulnerability and she looks super hot. Too bad she went and got drowned. I have a joke do to with ‘Vesper’ being a type of scooter but I’ll spare Zoë’s young ears from it.

Tina (Cameron Diaz) – The Mask

This list is really hard to do without descending into childish smut so please try not to giggle when you read the next line. Cameron Diaz’s Tina is soaking wet when we first see her. And it’s extremely memorable. The fact that loser bank employee Stanley Ipkiss bags her (I said ‘bags’ you dirty bastards) gave many nerdy guys hope for their love lives.

Grendel’s Mother (Angelina Jolie) – Beowulf

Angela Jolie’s sexiest role is one where she is completely computer animated. She also has a tail and turns into a giant fire-breathing monster giving her a quirkiness that is very attractive. Being the original MILF she’s also a loving mother of her hideously disfigured son, and isn’t that the most important aspect of a potential partner? No, it isn’t, but she had me with her gold painted boobs.

Anya Amasova (Barbara Bach) – The Spy Who Loved Me

The second Bond girl on the list, Agent XXX (subtle!) is a Russian spy who is more than a match for Bond himself. She kicks tonnes of ass. Sadly I have to live with the hideous facts that she smooches Roger Moore and married Ringo Starr. Such a waste.

Geum-ja Lee (Yeong-ae Lee) – Lady Vengeance

Yeong-ae Lee plays Geum-ja Lee a woman who spends years in prison for allegedly murdering a load of kids. Hey, come back, I haven’t finished! When she is released she sets out to find the real killer so she’s OK in my book. The film is by Oldboy and Stoker director Chan-wook Park and is really good. Also check out the sexy posters for it.

Amber Heard – ?????

I’ll confess I haven’t seen any films with Amber Heard in them. So why is she on the list? Check my internet browser history and get back to me.

Carolina (Salma Hayek) – Desperado

Many would have chosen Hayek’s performance in From Dusk Til Dawn but that seemed too obvious a choice for a weirdo like me. Instead I’ve picked Carolina from Desperado. Carolina is a massively boobed librarian which we all know is up there with nurse as ‘sexy in your head but not so much in real life’ profession. She spends most of the movie running at the camera utilising said massive boobs to spectacular effect.

E.V.E – Wall.E

The only robot on the list, E.V.E appeals to the tech nerd in me, all sleek and advanced with gorgeous blue eyes and a fine ass. Yeah I know she’s an android from a kids animation and doesn’t talk much but there’s still something about her. Would be hard to keep her clean but I’d have a lot of sexy fun trying. Damn, I think I’ve finally lost it.