JB & The Chop Do: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Hello! Hola! Greetings! Salutations! That’s about all I know being from where I live and I am not a linguist. What’s the English one? Jolly good old cock? Or – “I am the Queen, let the Olympiad games begin.” ? In any case, Hi. Remember this movie? Remember the 2nd? Did you know there was a third and now a 4th (not released yet)? Did the first one scare the shit out of you? Did the 2nd suck as much ass as the population of Earth described? Did the third – by the guys that did “You’re Next” and “The Guest” – turn out all right?? When we get to the 4th will we want to harm ourselves???? Tune in over the next few weeks and find out!

Or else……..

SYNOPSIS: Three film students vanish after traveling into a Maryland forest to film a documentary on the local Blair Witch legend, leaving only their footage behind. – via IMDB

I remember I saw this in the theater. I remember the theater had an attendant come in before the thing and tell us its been make people sick all day and to be warned. I remember seemingly liking it. I know that I’ve never watched it again because of the whole non-ending. Now I’m set to give it another go almost 20 years later. Let’s see what happens.

This has got to be one of the more irritating movies I’ve seen in some time. I’m about 45 minutes  in and nothing at all has happened except for a lot of nonsense screaming about nothing, bad improvised dialogue and  just some weird sounds offscreen that offer no value. I would think that any sensible human being, when hearing a noise in the bushes, would hunker down and prepare to fight and not run blindly screaming into the dark, cold woods where the sound is coming from. Plus, if I were any member of that trio, I would have told the other two to FUCK OFF and left long ago. And it’s not even in fucking HD.

BRB

AT 59 minutes in, Heather is screaming the word ‘Josh’ so loudly and so close to the camera’s microphone that it made me want to puke. I’m really starting to wonder why I’m doing this to myself.

Who hasn’t seen this movie? Do you want to? It’s not scary one bit. The shaky cam footage really is nauseating.  All three leads (the only three) are all cut-your-own-fucking-ears-off-and-eat-them shriek-y and scream-y. There’s no payoff at the end and everything that is supposed to frighten happens off screen.

I remember watching Blair Witch 2 at some point on video tape back in my old apartment. I remember being the only person in the United States that liked it. I remember looking at it a few years later here at home when I was drunk and stoned turnt wasn’t on anything and have vague memories of liking it again but i guess we’ll see soon!

Okay, well, here we are! I figured it was worth giving this a shot – you all know how much I absolutely adore fund pottage (and for those of you who don’t, please don’t miss my sarcasm), but I also know that this was something I watched quite a few times when I was younger. Back when it came out it was fresh and new and it’s popularity skyrocketed found footage into the limelight… unfortunately.

Found footage is not the easiest thing to watch – usually a really shitty camera, or a decent one, but there is so much movement going on your head spins and you don’t have all the time in the world to follow everything, and a lot of things get lost in the hurry and confusion. Me? I like things to come together deliberately. Now all of that aside, The Blair Witch Project still holds up pretty well. I mean it guys! It is still one of the better films in the genre!

Heather is an absolute bitch. She is headstrong and rude and egotistical to boot, and she is right all the time and can never be wrong and is so… no. She got on my damn nerves, and I got why Mike and Josh got so annoyed with her. They were in a super shitty predicament and not once would she acknowledge that, nor would she ‘fess up and take even one iota of responsibility for the shit storm.

Low budget and all of that, The Blair Witch Project definitely comes together in terms of the authenticity of the actors going to pieces out in the woods. Usually found footage can feel so… forced, and this did not feel more so than say, her having the camera out and irritating people. In fact, the movie did a pretty damn good job at not having the camera rolling all the time, major complaints when it was running more than was strictly necessary, and later a begrudging acknowledgement went out as to how it took some fear and panic out of the hopeless situation.

Now, it must be said that the movie is far longer than it absolutely needs to be. Like, way too long. It could have been half this length and probably told exactly the same story, which would have worked out far better, I reckon. Well, just some editing. Take this down to an hour. That’s a big thing with FF – it just drags on way longer than it should.

The Blair Witch Project is too long and way too screechy at times, but it is one of the better ones of the genre, flaws and all. I didn’t want to yank my teeth out, at any rate.

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 2 (1997)

“A year after running over a fisherman and dumping his body in the water, four friends reconvene when Julie receives a frightening letter telling her that their crime was seen. While pursuing who he thinks is responsible for the letter, Barry is run over by a man with a meat hook. The bloodletting only increases from there, as the killer with the hook continues to stalk Julie, Helen and Ray.”

Oh wait…. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH????

SYNOPSIS: Two years after the first series of murders, a new psychopath dons the Ghostface costume and a new string of killings begins. – via IMDB

For The Good Reader / Zutsonian with a keen eye (it seems paying attention these days is something a lot of people aren’t fond of) the team-up for the first Scream we put out was drafted over two years ago. Since then, I have spent over a year in a foreign land, living in a hotel and eating shit food until a few months ago when things started calming down and I was able to get a laptop back in action. Note: I am NOT fucking patient or OCD free enough to try and do posts on a tablet or phone. Anyway, since time is still precious, my entry here will probably be written in two parts before it goes live, so here’s Part One.

“A guy can’t even take a fucking piss….” that’s actually a quote from Angel Heart (maybe not [sic]) and it may or may not apply here but, I thought it was laughable that these two fellows were off pissing in their ROBES and MASKS setting up the first kill.

1. As a male, normally, you have to be able to handle the thing that releases the pee – which is why the Benevolent Creator (as it is, whatever you believe in) allowed humans to invent the slit in the front of the pants or, at least, a tie string so we can drop them and let go #zippers
2. The male human has to be able to see the thing that releases the pee in order to aim or else you fucking piss all over the floor and, likely, your fucking feet. Despite the fact that these people can somehow see through the ‘ghostface’ masks and run around all over the place, they probably really can’t and just befouled the floor and their shoes
3.  True story that no one will get: about 25 years ago I was at a St Patrick’s Day event at a local bar and went to piss. If you’re not familiar with urinals, you should educate yourself but I was having a good, solid, beer infused whizz, looked over and a popular sports celebrity was peeing next to me. I smiled, stabilized my drunken self, and I noticed was peeing all over his leg. #fuckingclassy #calegundy

Watching this, It’s not so fucking 90s as I remember the first one being but it’s weird seeing a bunch of these folks so young and skinny. I’m a huge fan of Ray Donovan (Liev Schreiber), Timothy Olyphant (you name it), Portia de Rossi (married to Ellen DeGeneres) (or was, that could have changed since I paid attention) but what I thought was the most funny thing, Rebecca Gayheart… I remember when I was a kid, having the hots for her in her OxyClean or Noxzema face cleaning ointment commercials. That picture, while digital, is probably older than JB.

Up next: Part 2:

Speaking of Timothy Olyphant, I see he’s wearing some sort of shirt and has a visible sleeveless undershirt on underneath it. I’ve never understood this. My lifelong understanding of wearing an undershirt was to prevent your armpit sweat from showing or staining your good shirt you have on to impress people. What’s the fucking point of not covering your armpits? Why wear two sets of shirts for no reason. I guess, if these things aren’t popular overseas, here’s what I’m talking about:

Jeez, nice thighs, man. The movie? I think I liked it more than the first. I liked the new cast better and it was “less 90s”. Plus there was some Foo Fighters in there. You can’t go wrong with a little Foo. It was basically the same story as the first, with more blood – which is something they talk about early on in “Film Study”. Now let’s pass the mic over to JB. Oh, since I know JB loves GIFs, I better include one.

Sequels aren’t usually that good, we all know that. It is a topic that this sequel harps on about, and it is  actually successful. For one, I still had an absolute blast with this movie, how conscious it is of the type of film it is, how it mocks and taunts again, even after having done all those things. Scream 2 manages to pull it off. Hell, it even has a (really) brief glimpse of Joshua Jackson in it, so there aren’t complaints for me – except maybe that it could have been more Joshua Jackson????? I need eye candy too!

Screw it, I will provide my own… just the one, I swear…

Anyway, let’s get to the movie. Super big fan of having Dewey back, and watching him argue and snipe at Gale is adorable. Seriously, I absolutely love watching these two together. It is sweet and it is seriously funny, too! David Arquette and Courtney Cox have fantastic chemistry. Sidney Prescott is back and kicking some major ass again, not to mention Gale laying down the law, too. There are a lot of throwbacks to the first movie here, but it all works. Scream 2 knows what it is and apologetically rolls with it.

Now, on to… *drum roll*

THE UNFORGIVABLE DEATH OF RANDY MEEKS

This! Fuck! Why?! This still rankles. I get why it would happen (do I really???). Doesn’t mean I gotta like it. And I don’t. I hatessssss it!

In Randy’s words, “Fuuuuuuuuuck yoooooou.”

Gale develops quite a bit more in this one, which is good. She’s still a bitch, but Gale is fantastic. Cotton Weary plays a bigger role in this one, but I still don’t like the damn creep. Icky, icky, icky.

We get tons of blood, tons of fun, tons of chases and tension and games, and plenty to quote. I thoroughly enjoy the humour in Scream, it just gels with me. In short, Scream 2 delivers everything you could want from a sequel.

Okay, this is the last one. I swear.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Playhouse (2015)

Holy shit folks! We are back! The completists that Eric of The IPC and I are and all meant that there was no way in hell that we could leave this series unfinished! Even after the massive celebrations of ending that last piece of crap, this one made an appearance and we were all over it – there is no way this franchise will ever die! Keep your eyes peeled, we have so much more in store for y’all!

SYNOPSIS: Following the tragic death of her parents Fawn Harriman discovers she has inherited a theatre in the town of Amityville. She, along with 3 friends, decides to spend the weekend there looking the place over. Meanwhile one of her High School teachers begins an investigation into the village’s past and makes a connection with something that goes back beyond recorded history. – via IMDB

Well folks, who the hell knew that I would be back for more of this silly franchise? Well, me. Because I know the franchise blows (let’s not even pretend otherwise), but I am also someone who cannot leave something unfinished, so naturally I was back in action for this, and I do so love working with the Chop, so even if this was where we would begin (to end), I was on board. Even if it makes me the author of my own suffering.

So. Uhm. The Amityville Playhouse. Right. You know, I don’t usually like to shit all over a movie. It has to be really bad. Like, really bad. Especially when you can see it is a budget film and they were trying. But then there are others that are unforgivable. This? This is one of those. SO BAD. And not the so bad it rocks kind, either. Just plain down atrocious and awful.

There are many fatal flaws to this movie, and I think the biggest offender is the acting. Like holy wow. It was just so stuff. I mean, we have all seen movies/series with some sketchy fucking moves and work from those involved, but this? This is next level man. WOW. Again, not even laughable bad, just so bad I can’t believe that anyone let these poor people put something like this out o.O

The Amityville Playhouse takes itself waaaaaaay too seriously, which is wickedly embarrassing. Pair that with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard (I actually cringed), awful characters, a stupidly pointless plot (like wtf was that even?!), and some of the slowest, self-centred teens I have ever seen and you get this steaming pile of crap. That dweeb boyfriend? He actually said: “I swear I will pin him down and take a dump on his face. What. The. Fuck. I was sure it couldn’t get worse. I was sure. I was also terribly mistaken.

The movie honest to goodness even tried to address the gay/straight thing here. Like AWKWARD and does not fit into the whole katoot. Hang on – they actually addressed the whole science vs. religion thing, too o.O There’s even a section on the issue of America, and the slaughter of the Native Americans. Ambitious fucking movie, I tell you!

I freaking hated the characters. Not just cause they were bad actors, but because, for instance, the lead was so whiny, and then there was her total dweeb of a boyfriend, and an utter, screaming, yelly bitch as the best friend (I just don’t even want to get into this faulty thing). There was so much useless aggression all over the show here, which did not help matters in the slightest.

Let’s take one second to address the ridiculous roars (were those lions? What the fuck was that even all about??) and then, of course, that score. That. Fucking. Score. That thing that never, ever once let up, that was the same few notes on repeat. It hurt me. It really, honestly, truly did. I think that was worst for me. Music and a score and all are supposed to complement a film, not make everything so much more unbearable.

I have to say, watching these kids, they are a freaking deadpan, meh lot. I swear to goodness, I had way more oomph as a teen. Never mind that, a weekend in a theater? Not a likely scenario, but you better believe we would have made the best of it! We are talking a hardcore party, a jol for days!

So… they are in the UK, and for shits and giggles these teenagers go over to the States to spend a weekend in the theatre? And the teacher skips over the lake as well, just for fun? WTF? Is that what happened? I have no idea! It made no freaking sense!

This silly movie was entirely and excessively too long. And it was flawed, damaged, and broken. It actually made me yearn for some of the earlier entries. Yes, I said that. This was bad. Everything about this movie was clumsy.

I swear, I got to the end and I was like:

And then my brain was like:

As if this franchise is ever gonna throw in the towel. EVER.

I just want to thank the Chop for being such an awesome collaborator to work with, and I am looking forward to future projects!

The ONLY reason I  ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and Zoë and I did a run on the entire franchise – well, and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this Terrible and Poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin:

inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked.  Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, do everything you can to immediately shit your pants and take those shit filled underwear and ruggedly place them on whoever suggested this’ head.

And now, for e very special send off to this pitiful thing, here is an IPC reenactment of the famous door scene! Be careful, there’s lots of F bombs in there… so be sure to play it as loud as possible at your workstation so all of your colleagues can hear it!!

JB!! We did it!!! I can’t believe it!! UGH – what a fucking disaster of a franchise!! Who picked this shit??? I do love working with you but I am so glad this is over!!

Coming soon to a theater near you:

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

#theflies #ohmygodtheflies