JB & The Chop Do: Freddy vs Jason (2003)

Here we are again, Zutsonians! The second to last one…. it’s sad that this will be coming to an end soon but ——————– do we have anything in store next???? You’ll have to keep tuning in here to find out!!! Here’s a teaser: yes we do! I believe Zoë is doing these out of her own free will but I know I just LOVE our projects ❤ ❤ <3!

So…. yeah……….. Freddy vs Jason – I would like to say that this was my favorite of the bunch but I don’t think it beats the first – or even the second maybe, for that matter. This was definitely more modern and sleek and VERY bloody but I am more of a Jason guy and seeing Fred turn him into a crying baby for a few minutes was kind of off-putting. I also thought the end was WAY too drawn out and could have been cut down a little – I mean – it was almost ridiculous AND (maybe I’m being a dick) but isn’t Fred Krueger a human when he’s not in Hell or whatever? No human being could take the kind of beating he takes from Jason and still keep swinging. Oh well, I definitely didn’t hate it or anything and Katherine Isabelle!!! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!!! GROPE GROPE GROPE!!! Let’s see what we’ve got here….

SYNOPSIS: It’s been nearly ten years since Freddy Krueger terrorized people in the dreams, and the towns folk want to keep him erased from their memory. Freddy still has one more plan on getting back to Elm Street. He resurrects Jason Voorhees and sends him off to kill. The more bodies which fall to the ground, the stronger in which Freddy becomes. This is until, Freddy realizes that Jason isn’t going to step aside easily, and must be taken down himself. – via IMDB

So Fred is in hell and – aw snap – everyone in the town where Elm Street is has forgotten about him and he’s real sore about it. So he decides to resurrect Jason Voorhees to help stir the pot a little while he creeps back into peoples dreams comes back to life as a real human being capable of slicing up John Ritter’s kid and a bunch of stoners. There’s also a rave in a cornfield and something to do with some sleep studies and Monica Keena:

Keena is there to represent, I believe, the sensuality found in nature – the physical embodiment of what Fred Krueger failed to achieve in his life – a blending of the purest form of love found only in drea – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat:

Where was I?? Sorry about that. Kruger and his buddy Voorhees decide to have a strip poker party and invite Keena as the entertainment. She works the stripper pole for an hour and a half and leaves with The Chop to do some private entertaining in the Champagne Room where touching is allowed and because she likes him so much it’s Pro Fucking Gratis. Three hours go by and –

SHIT!! Sorry about that!! My mind must have wandered hahhahahahaha! So at that Rave I was talking about, Keena and The Chop do just a little Ecstasy and slip off into the cornfields to rub each other’s backs and shoulders and give back and thigh massages and maybe even do a little kissing and petting and then end up stark naked and examining each other #ForScience #Research #Studies #Doctorate #Professor

Sweet Jesus, what’s going on here today???? Did someone turn up the heater in this building or something? Someone might need to hose me down with some cold water or something….

So I’m sitting here in my office writing this piece and Keena shows up and asks me if I like her shirt. I tell her it looks pretty good but she better take it off so I can inspect the fabric, you know – to see how soft it is. I wouldn’t want it to be abrasive or anything. I have nothing but her breasts best interests in mind, so she takes it off and hands it over to me and I sniff it real good and hide it in my file cabinet for safe keeping and lock my office door and we start to 

Like I was saying, Krueger is back and wants to start killing again and then he and Jason have a big fight to the death! YAY!!!!! WHOOP!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! GO GO BUFFALO!!!!

You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to get some air.

Alright, so I have a crazy soft spot for Freddy vs Jason, I have an absolute blast with it all the time. It was cheesy, it was fast, it was so painfully clichéd in some places and all that, but it was just totally worth looking into. It was just one of those mash-ups that worked in so many ways. I am not usually a fan of these things, but this one was just what it needed to be, and it came together well.

Freddy vs Jason is certainly more of a Freddy Krueger movie for me, as it seemed he was the one with the biggest plot and also seen as the most dangerous villain. I thought that Ken Kirzinger did a damn fine job as Jason, and he was just one hulking monster taking people out all the time, and I was totally alright with that (who knows, one of these days we might look at all the crazy films that belong to the Friday the 13th canon). Robert Englund simply owned as Freddy Krueger (again – as if we expected anything else).

One of the best things about this movie is the fight scenes. I thought they were well done, action packed and just a little dodgy at times… in the very best way, of course! There were syringes, machetes, air canister missile things, Freddy’s glove, fire, water, everything. Outrageous to boot but awesome!

Something I must admit – there are a lot of boobs in this one. Not necessarily open, out there on display boobs, but holy crapsticks, I think the lead was cast purely on what she looked liked when squeezing her bust into an itty-bitty shirt. I am sure that was just awesome for the male viewers, really.

I enjoyed the premise, and Ronny Yu did a great job directing this. He managed to fuse the two universes successfully (in my opinion). The pacing was fine, the plot was better than most we have seen in the Krueger canon at the end (though the same can be said of Jason’s films), and the soundtrack worked for it. Also, some Katharine Isabelle for those of you who are interested.  You can’t really go wrong with Freddy vs Jason for a thriller/horror/action type thing, and there were some great throwbacks to both the franchises. I know that this movie isn’t the most popular, but I totally think it is deserving of some love.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

JB & The Chop Do: Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)

Another Elm Street flick! Can you believe it?! Yeah, sure! While it must be said, the last few have been particularly bad, it looks like there might just be some light on the horizon here! It seems the Freddy canon was still not ready to give up the ghost, even after all the flops before it.

SYNOPSIS: It’s nearing the 10th Anniversary of the film ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ and one of the stars, Heather Langenkamp is being scared by a voice on a phone, sounding very similar to the film’s villain, Freddy Krueger. When Heather’s husband is killed in a car accident and is discovered with slash marks on him, Heather starts to wonder something. Especially when she discovers that Wes Craven is writing another ‘Nightmare’ film. Soon, she realizes that Freddy has now entered the real world, and the only way to defeat him is to become Nancy Thompson once again. – via IMDB

After the last two films that were pretty darn dreadful, things had to start looking up, and truly, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare delivered on that front, though certainly not without flaws.  This Elm Street entry is definitely the biggest standout for me when growing up, purely because it was on TV all the time when I was a kid.

The plot is significantly changed up, which is a good thing for this. Freddy is now fighting to come into the real world, no longer content where he was. Who else, naturally, to bring him in but Heather Langenkamp, who played Nancy Thompson, the girl who beat him? So this is how it was going to be, but could the studio pull it off without the super flop the last ones were?

The answer is yes, mostly. New Nightmare is incredibly gimmicky, but it works in some strange way, though there are some icky flaws that are just not on. It is not inundated with cheese (too often), like the last few predecessors, and has a darker and more serious tone. However, what did not work for this film at all was the length. It was far too long and self-indulgent on Craven’s behalf, and could have easily been twenty minutes shorter as well as featured less of the director himself. Just saying. What I did like was seeing Robert Englund being himself then slipping away, though more time could really have been invested in watching his descent into the madness that births Freddy Krueger, and I liked Julie, though I feel she got too little screen time in this crazy long movie.

I was not a fan of Freddy’s new makeup or his permanent wearing of a trench coat or his new clothes so much, though the trench did make him look darker. I was a big fan of his boots and what not, very badass, very cool.

Yep… issues and all this was not a bad watch, especially when you compare it to the last few we have had to suffer through, like oh my gosh. I liked it for the most part, but I was so not a fan of the excessive length, that really was a killer for me.

Let’s start this off by saying that I liked this movie – I did – it was a fucking miracle compared to the last one. But I also need to make sure I mention that there are things I didn’t like about it.  I don’t ever care if a movie is about making a movie – as long as it’s good – but I always find it risky to let the director give himself too much face time – because he could come off as a pretentious asshole. I don’t know if Craven pulled that off here but he had a lot of screen time. Too much for me, but that’s just me, a dumb, old Chop. I can’t remember – did he have a ponytail in this? It was the 90s so ponytails on men were en vogue but I always thought ponytails on me were particularly not fashionable. Sorry Brian. Pretentious ponytailed assholes.

I honestly can’t remember if Craven is MAKING a new Nightmare movie in this or if he was just the writer but someone’s making a new Nightmare movie and Heather Langenkamp is requested to reprise her role from the 1st and 3rd movies. I think she’s hesitant about it but her husband is working on it and strange things start to happen – IN THE FORM OF MURDER!!!!!!!! eventually – Langenkamp does her best Nancy Drew sleuthing and figures out Fred Krueger is coming to life and everyone thinks she’s batshit – UNTIL MORE MURDERS HAPPEN!!!!!!! While I think this movie was much better than the last two – and Kruger is once again NOT a wise-cracking anus – some suspect shit happens – like when he’s some sort of god in the clouds and lifts Langenkamp’s kid across a busy highway.

Anyway – remember this????

Heather!!! Don’t look now!!!!! DUM DUM DUM TA DUM!!!!!

SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

I also didn’t really care for the new make-up or the new hat or the new sweater but I did like the character of Julie:

Her scene, which JB has in black and white above, was actually pretty cool – and quite bloody. I’m glad they got away from the campiness of the franchise and tried to make a good horror movie again. Some people probably won’t get this but I think – while I liked this thing – it suffers from being way too 90s. Parachute pants, John Lennon sunglasses, men with ponytails, women with shoulder pads in their business jackets, shit music, etc. Oh – and too much of this:

Did I mention this??

Oh well – despite some minor irritants, this one wasn’t too bad but it’s a MIRACLE compared to the last one.

Love,

The Chop

(speaking of assholes!!)

JB & The Chop Do: Freddy’s Dead – The Final Nightmare (1991)

After this there’s three more of these things (which I’ve seen by now) and, in my opinion, this is the absolute WORST of them all. The plot is reachy, suddenly there’s a mystery daughter – how fucking convenient – this kills are stupid and, although people outside of the U.S. or were babies around 1990 might not know them, Tom and Roseanne Arnold are in this fucking thing. The plot to this thing revolves around how there are no more teenagers (or kids) in Fred Krueger’s home town so he’s going to move on to another town “because every town has an Elm Street” and to do this he need’s to use his daughter that’s never been referenced in the series. Oh yeah – and someone almost gets killed with a fucking road map for Christ’s sake.

SYNOPSIS: In part six of the Nightmare on Elm Street series, dream monster Freddy Krueger has finally killed all the children of his hometown, and seeks to escape its confines to hunt fresh prey. To this end, he recruits the aid of his (previously unmentioned) daughter. However, she discovers the demonic origin of her father’s powers and meets Dad head-on in a final showdown (originally presented in 3-D). via – IMDB.

I really did go into this open minded – hoping it would be better than the last one, hoping they had learned from their mistakes over the declining last three movies, so I popped it in and started watching it and then this happened:

And it NEVER got any better. 90’s hairdos, 90’s clothing, 90’s music, 90’s shit attempts at humor – this was worse than my social life in 1990 which usually involved my friend and I driving around the city drinking beer and listening to Guns n Roses. After that piss poor Wizard of Oz thing, this just got worse as we met the stoner and the punk and the beleaguered counselor with the big heart and the big shoulder pads in her blazer. They all fall asleep in three seconds no matter where they are and they all have bad dreams so they go to Springwood and someone gets stoned and immediately falls into R.E.M. sleep and this happens:

I mean…… REALLY???? What a fucking reach…… I was TOTALLY put out with that and then this happens:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! And then this happened:

Not only did I have to see Breckin Meyer’s face but just look at that hairdo. Eventually Fred’s daughter determines that she has to enter her dad’s brain to extract him to the real world so they can kill him. And this happens:

during that 3D sequence I really had just had it with this shit. I thought it was absolutely awful and just a pitiful shit on the original. BUT – because I am an honest guy – I did think the montage over the credits was pretty cool but that’s IT.

JB??

Ugh. Ugh. I don’t have much to say for this movie besides that. It was absolutely ridiculous on so many levels and had a stupid story to boot, as well, as if things weren’t bad enough. Ugh.

There’s not really much that I can speak positively about in this one. I really didn’t like the soundtrack (it was atrocious), the plot progression was all over the show, Freddy was cringe-worthy embarrassing at times, and the acting was atrocious. I am so not a fan of this one. Naturally, there was going to be the worst of the worst in the canon somewhere, and let me just tell you, that was this one for me. I know that a lot of you complain about A Nightmare On Elm Street 2, but I have no idea how this one has ever been considered better than that one. Ugh.

The effects were also terrible, and I didn’t have any laughs going for me anywhere, either. There was a Johnny Depp cameo laced in here (that Chop put up top) and I know he hated it, but it was one of the few things that I appreciated, though it is a pity that the Depp cameo was wasted on this hunk of junk.

Then let’s not even talk about how this movie went to end. That whole showdown? My goodness! You would really have thought them delving more into who and what Freddy was when growing up would have been so much more interesting, but instead it was just another opportunity that was pissed away here. The concept of Freddy having a kid running around somewhere was one thing, and it could have been something, but it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. Plus the logic was (again) flawed in here because everyone seemed to work out the whole Freddy thing freaking fast, and bought into the story quickly.

Anyway, the one character I liked (Carlos) was killed off pretty early (obviously) because that is how the franchise works. The sad thing though is that there was inordinate amounts of potential to make his death mean something, to resonate (if that makes sense). Deaf and most likely that way due to extreme abuse, Freddy just takes his hearing and then gives him super hearing and then chases him like an idiot and then moves on. Seriously, more potential pissed away.

The movie had a relative amount of serious subject matter to deal with (I am referring here specifically to the abuse the kids suffered, the fact that they are in care, etc), and instead of working with this, making a horror that could crawl under your skin, it almost dealt with the subject matter like mockery. I am not saying I wanted something super heavy or anything, but this had abused kids up the wazoo scattered throughout it and just laughed it off basically. Besides the fact that I would have expected more from such “damaged” kids, they were just meh characters, not nearly as strong or badass as they had the potential to be.

Freddy loves being a bus driver. Just saying. Anyway, I cannot reiterate enough what a pile of crap this movie was and a total waste of time. I love Freddy Krueger, I do, and I was prepared to deal with some of the other cheesy entries, but this one for me just took it too far, too lame, too ridiculous. Meh. But hey, Robert Englund is still Freddy Krueger here, the big issues have yet to set in 😛

Plus, here’s Eric’s favourite:

The map doesn’t lie. Seriously. I should have heeded the warning.

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 – The Dream Child (1989)

Well folks, looks like we are back for more, and the Elm Street franchise seems to be on the decline… but then again, that could just be me. We will have to wait and see what the Chop’s opinion on all of this is! I thought that this one had potential to be something more, but, erm… not so much to reach out and take it. Pffffff.

SYNOPSIS: Alice, having survived the previous installment of the Nightmare series, finds the deadly dreams of Freddy Krueger starting once again. This time, the taunting murderer is striking through the sleeping mind of Alice’s unborn child. His intention is to be “born again” into the real world. The only one who can stop Freddy is his dead mother, but can Alice free her spirit in time to save her own son? – via IMDB

Alright, alright. We are back. For more Freddy. Alice is front and centre of this one again and she be preggers people, and that is where Freddy is finding his way back into everyone’s lives again. Okay, sometime in between losing her brother and graduating, Alice is a happy soul once again and seems to be totally over how things were. Dad is around, but it seems he has kicked the liquor habit and is totally there for his daughter. That was one change I liked.

Anyway, Dan and Alice are kicking it together still (again, not sure who and what exactly he is in love with, seems she retained all the traits of her old dead friends and family). She seems to have made new friends and what not, so that’s alright, it’s normal, it’s what people do. BUT THEN there is logic that is all over the show, inconsistent and ridiculous, and some dodgy effects to boot at times. It just doesn’t make sense and it’s silly and not in the fun way, either!

The Dream Child spends a lot of time focusing on Freddy’s mama, Amanda, who was briefly introduced in Dream Warriors, and here she is. Tortured soul and all that (who would have guessed?!) who needs saving. She also seems to be the key element to beat Freddy. Never mind that, after losing Dan (again, just quickly write off the old survivors to introduce fresh meat), Alice discovers that she is preggers. Yep, baby is causing Freddy to come back for them, though he used his mama in some sick twisted way to rebirth some sick twisted version of him (I didn’t write the script, but damn people!). Oh well, Freddy is back in action, and he is on a mission again (what else??).

This one… was just… yeah. I liked some of the characters (and by some I mean Mark, make sure you read that correctly) and I was seriously not surprised to see someone going to sleep to hunt down Freddy and asking some useless lump to wake them if things looked like they were devolving into a nightmare, and said useless lump falls asleep (and this useless lump was Mark, sadly). However, his death may have flicked around the corny side, but I had a lot of fun with how it was done.

There were things that I did like about this one, such as Mr Johnson being alright again and standing up for his daughter, looking a little more at Freddy’s history, and I liked seeing Alice’s son Jacob hanging around with Freddy, that was all good and well, but how they ended that story was disappointing. I thought they could have done a lot more with that, though Freddy was pretty darn bright to use Jacob as a way to get to Alice and her people.

Whichever way you spin it, The Dream Child is massively flawed, and it needn’t have been that way. I think by this time the franchise was just looking to make a quick buck, not give us something as great as the original, it all became comical and gimmicky and stupid and a total waste of time. That said… there are dodgier ones to come still

JB!!! Well – I think this is all I have to say today….

Just kidding. If I were to come out here and just say that, that would be just as shit as the movie itself. I really didn’t like this one and I thought this was all a real fucking reach. I mean, watch the meatballs in the spaghetti here:

I mean – for one thing – maybe it’s just not customary here but, who makes up a nice bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and then just puts the untouched dish in the fridge?

“Hi honey! I made you some dinner! Your pasta and meatballs with no sauce is in the fridge getting cold. It’s there next to a stack of oranges . Kisses!”

Anyway – I do wonder how much cocaine was going through the veins and synapses of the guys who green-lit this story? You saw the synopsis above – HEY is that two words with “syn_ps_s: in one sentence??? How about that??? Look at me go!! That’s much more exciting than this movie!

So Fred Krueger, one time child killer, now an immortal demon from hell, has died again and again and again and again and this time he comes back to life through a potential victim’s unborn baby. And he does. In a dream.  And, even though he was a regular person before they burned him alive in that boiler room, he’s born all scarry and wretched. Yep. MM HMMMMMM.

So he goes and gets his old clothes back and declares himself immortal and *sigh*…..

Sorry I’m at a loss for words on this one. I didn’t really care much for it and, honestly, don’t remember much about it – I cared so little. Fred has gone from a child killing janitor to some sort of wise cracking immortal demon from hell… NOTHING can stop Fred I’m-a-demon-pimp Krueger. NOTHING. SIGH

At least I found this while searching “nightmare on elm street five gifs”.

Things can only get better with number 6, right?????????????????????

 

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 – The Dream Master (1988)

Well – here we are…. back in business. Number 4 – Remember Freddy died last time when they buried his bones and dumped holy water on them? He was done for good, right?? Of course not! New Line Cinema keeps kneading and sucking and milking that teat, squeezing every drop of souring milk into their mouths. My introductory take on this is that this movie really wasn’t very good…….. but then I saw 5 and 6. SPOILER: I didn’t like The Dream Baby and I REALLY didn’t like the one where Fred Krueger has a mystery daughter that was never mentioned until it was convenient. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. That was almost as bad as when Spock suddenly had a brother.

#NoSybok

Let’s see what we’ve got here….

SYNPOSIS: Following up the previous Nightmare film, the dream demon Freddy Krueger is resurrected from his apparent demise, and rapidly tracks down and kills all three of the surviving Elm Street kids. However, Kristen (who has the ability to draw others into her dreams) wills her special ability to her friend Alice before her demise. Afterwords, Alice soon realizes that Freddy is taking advantage of that unknown power she now wields to pull a new group of teenage children into his foul domain. – via IMDB

 

So, here we are with the fourth film in this franchise and, while I quite liked the first, I thought the second was dumb fun and the third started getting a little iffy – and, while I think JB likes this one a bit, I thought it was pretty dodgy and the writers were really starting to reach for plots and ideas for kills. I don’t ever really look at things like this but it looks like this was awful successful with a budget of 7,000,000 bucks and grossing over 49 million. I didn’t fork out any dough for this while it was in the theaters but it looks like someone did. I hate to be a guy who uses the word “forgettable” but, I watched this a few weeks ago and I’ve kind of forgotten it pretty much so I’m reliving it through Google images. I remember thinking that “God DAMN these kids can fall asleep quick” and, it’s coming back to me now – after the kids from the third movie all graduate, the lead who is NOT Patricia Arquette this time decides to walk to work from her school and falls asleep in a park.  She then has an erotic beach dream about studs on horses and eating hot dogs a dream about:

That’s right – he’s back! It’s a little hazy but I THINK he comes back to life because a dog pisses on his grave (JB correct me if I’m wrong). Or maybe it was the black fellow who pissed on his remains?? I’m not sure but he’s back and he’s gonna getcha. I also remember thinking that it was odd that these kids were imprisoned in some sort of Institute for the Criminally Sleepy in the third one but now they’re just normal kids in high school. Anyway – I was surprised that, after these movies being “skin free”, there was some of this:

But – even if those ten seconds of #UnderwaterBoobs were enticing to you and got you in The Spirit, all of that will be quickly dispelled when these two decide to go on a date and eat pizza.

Because nothing says “I Love You” like topping your pizza with the dead souls of your friends.

Here’s some spoilers for those of you who haven’t seen it. The new lead is The Dream Master (Mistress??) and she gives Freddy the business and he’s dead forever and ever and ever, Amen, Sister!!!

And – because I’m sweet and courteous and informative and lovely and profoundly Romanesque Most Unclean, here’s a teaser for number 5!

So there was this one. There was this one…

For one, it takes a while to get used to having a new actress play Kristen, but eventually you deal with it. Tuesday Knight (seriously, I would have shot my parents for a name like that – sounds like a porn star) doesn’t even really deliver the same feeling that Arquette did, so I could hardly buy into her being the same character. Needless to say, Freddy is back to terrorize kids again, and Kristen’s ability to draw people into dreams means that Freddy’s reach has extended.

We are introduced to Alice (Lisa Wilcox), who is a really weird character. Like, there is character growth for her in the movie, but it is ridiculously fast and it doesn’t really make sense. The Dream Master is where things really started going south in this series (in my opinion). The plot was flimsy and had potential to be more, but the execution was just so awful you don’t even want to contemplate it for too long. The pacing was annoying as sin, too. Like I said, things just rushed through and lost and and all potential impact.

Obviously kids start dying all over the show, but before you even get it, Alice is (yes, truly) magically absorbing traits from the deceased. Kincaid and Joey were killed off awfully fast (and I liked them both a lot), which is another flaw of these movies: our victors from the previous films are dealt with hurriedly so that Freddy can start screwing with a fresh lot of kids ASAP. Not sure why this had to be the recipe… Anyhow, Joey and Kindcaid will be missed. Also, I agree with the Chop… they were all institutionalised and now everything is okay again? Hmmmmm….

The logic is all over the show. There isn’t even a progression from how Alice starts spewing Kristen’s Freddy nonsense and everyone is on board. Yeah, there are a few holdouts, but then they’re all with her. I don’t know, it just didn’t gel so nicely. Also, who the hell did Dan fall in love with? Alice, or the combined aspects of all the souls she seems to have taken on? Very nice relationship that will be…

#awkward

I always like how Freddy has a no-makeup scene in all the films somewhere along the line, but I think they were seriously hammering in the healthcare profession in this one! Though I must admit, if I came to in surgery and saw my surgeon looking like this, things would be over!

The Dream Master is where the cheese in this one started stretching, and the kills were just there to be more comical and more ludicrous, seeing if they could top each other and all that. Also, we had a kid doing some weird karate crap, and a girl who was lifting weight with some insane talons (I cannot for one second buy into a girl like that being into weightlifting), some genius geek who met the wrong, sticky end, and Alice has one total prick of an alcoholic father. Nope, not a fan of his. Anyhow, things just got a little out of hand in this one is all, though it is still a lot better than some of the ways that it went! I love Freddy Krueger, I do, but this is where the films started delving into some spectacularly dodgy and unnecessary one-liners (which are so bad you sometimes roll your eyes or you giggle involuntarily, depending what you have been subjected to) and where he starts becoming a parody of himself.

It’s a pretty hollow experience all round. That is all.

Oki, almost all. Seeing as it is Christmas week and all and we all had some jollies yesterday, I thought this was just… I love it and had to share!

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street 3 – Dream Warriors (1987)

Moving on to the next Elm Street film, this is one of the last few that the audience seems to have appreciated, and it touted some grand effects. I also think that this was one of the last pretty decent ones before it went straight into all that cheese – and not all particularly good cheese, either.  It’s pretty obvious that I like it BUT what did the Chop think of the third Krueger outing?

SYNOPSIS: Nancy has grown up and become a psychiatrist specializing in dream therapy. She meets a group of children at a local hospital facing Freddy Krueger, the same demon she once encountered in her sleep. One of them is Kristen, who has the power to draw other people into her dreams. Working with a male doctor assigned to the case, Nancy helps the kids realize their special abilities within the nightmare world. When Freddy captures one of her charges, she leads a rescue attempt into Krueger’s domain, in hopes of putting his spirit to rest once and for all. – via IMDB

JB: Well, Chop, this is one that I quite enjoyed. How about you?

CHOP: Yeah, JB, I liked it fine but (for real???):

JB: I know this one wasn’t like the greatest, and it sure as hell had flaws, but I had a lot of fun with it. There was plenty of cheese, but it was still more serious than most.

CHOP: I really couldn’t get past the big penis worm thing (and it happened so early) BUT the penis worm did lead to a fucking fantastic post – remember THIS??

JB: Hahahaha! Yes, yes I remember that just fine! Alright… there was the whole penis worm mistake and all that (though there was an impressive amount of work that went into making that happen), but then this death is still one of my all-time favourites of the series. I thought it was just awesome, though it was pretty sad that they pegged off the only semi-cutie to check out so early. Besides that, you can’t deny the scene is great and the puppet master brutal.

CHOP: Speaking of cuties, remember when Patricia Arquette looked like this???

CHOP: But – back to the movie. I really liked the first one but that second was kind of iffy in that Male Ass kind of way. Remember, I had never seen any of the sequels except for this one, on a challenge from a couple of bloggers. HAHAHA. That post is so old even YOU haven’t even looked at it LOL. I didn’t love it any more the second time around.

JB: Granted, Dreams Warriors had some cheesy one liners all over it, and some things that were just mad. However, every here and there was a gem to be found. I had a good giggle over this one:

JB: I know that there were a lot of people that bitched about the drug section of this one, like Taryn that was an addict, and Freddy that preyed on that. I won’t lie, I thought those track marks were fucking nasty. YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK. And yes. Now everyone will suffer with me.

CHOP: Those fucking sucky things on her arm were nasty. Kind of like this:

JB: Yeah, kinda exactly like that. What the hell was that even all about? As for your pic… I don’t even think that I want to know…

CHOP: LOL – do you not remember that part?? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Well – there’s also some of this:

CHOP: And, since we’re into GIFs:

JB: Yep, I remember the part! It was pretty nasty. Like… really not the way you want your luck to end…

CHOP: I did kind of like how Langenkamp was in this one again. for some reason that struck me as cool even though she can’t act for shit. I like how this ALWAYS shows up every time I google Heather Langenkamp:

JB: Who in the hell is that?!

CHOP: LOL – I have no fucking clue but she shows up every time I google Langenkamp. So does this:

CHOP: I did not put that arrow on there. If wanted to showcase the pimple, I would do something like this:

JB: Naturally, always subtle my Chop. Love it.

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street 2 – Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

Jeez – just look at that poster… I like how the knives from the glove are as big as that girl’s back. Also – what’s with the bird? I don’t remember anything about a bird. Did I miss something?? Is that a can of shaving cream? Is he going to shave her back with those knives?? HMMMMMMMMMMM – this movie was pretty good – not quite as good as the first but it did have some good looking special effects. And Clu Gulager. I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a little Clu Gulager sprinkled in your movie. But, I am curious – how is this “Freddy’s Revenge”? Isn’t that his whole M.O.? Getting “revenge” for getting burned alive before the first movie?? Curious…. Anyway – let’s see what the wonderful JB has in store for us!

SYNOPSIS: A new family moves into the house on Elm Street, and before long, the kids are again having nightmares about deceased child murderer Freddy Krueger. This time, Freddy attempts to possess a teenage boy to cause havoc in the real world, and can only be overcome if the boy’s sweetheart can master her fear. – via IMDB

When I watched the first one again after so many years, I kind of liked it so I was looking forward to this. After the sketchy opening act where Robert Englund is a school bus driver who drives three people into what I can only guess is Hell (O _  o) (I thought Freddy was a child murderer?? Now he’s connected to Hell???) we see this teen of unknown name waking screaming from his nightmare, covered in sweat (or piss) who gets out of bed and adjusts his considerable junk (or puts a tennis ball in his underwear for the scene in question).  I mean, nice sack, high school student! You’ve been taking your vitamins, I see.

#nightmareonelmstreetunderpants

Soon after that our new title character heads off to high school in his old beater convertible, macks on a relatively cute chick (at the bottom of my section here) and heads out for baseball practice. I did note that at this high school they have at least three extra curricular programs: baseball, cheerleading and archery!! (which is not included in this clip). Anyway, whatshisface is making eyes at his cheerleader girlfriend, probably thinking about flopping his mighty balls against her nether regions when he gets popped in the head with a line drive. The head above his shoulders, that is. Soon, he and the dude from Weird Science are exchanging words and Weird Science guy yanks down his sweats and they have a bare-ass wrestle out by second base. Suggestive Male Genitalia or Buttocks Count: 2

Later – or the next day or something, he wants to go out with his comely girlfriend but his mom makes him go unpack his shit so he pops on a shitty hat, some shitty sunglasses, cranks up his record player and does some boogie woogieing all night long. Well, maybe not all night long but at least for the duration of the song which I think, looking at the soundtrack, is called “Touch Me (All Night Long)” because when his girlfriend shows up unannounced and busts into his room with his mom, he seems to be playing with himself *or something. AWKWARD!!!! Suggestive Male Genitalia or Buttocks Count: 3

As we continue doing what we do, Fred Krueger possesses our young, endowed teen male and sends him to the local gay bar to find the high school baseball coach for a reason I can’t remember. There, the teenager is served beer without an I.D. and runs across his, apparently, homosexual baseball coach – dress in chains and a leather vest who takes him back to the high school to take a shower. While he’s showering, the coach is stripped and chained to a shower head where…… get this….. seriously…. he gets spanked to death. Actually – I’m not 100% positive that he gets SPANKED to death, but he gets some spankings, chapping his ass raw and eventually dies. It’s been a little bit since I’ve seen this and, after watching five of these in a row, some of the kills get silly and a little forgetful. Suggestive Male Genitalia or Buttocks Count: 4

Eventually our  man makes it to his girlfriend’s pool party and, after doing some moping as all teenagers do, they start to Make It in the poolside cabana. So, while he is pleasuring our lady’s cleavage and she’s enjoying some tongue originated ecstasy, this happens:

Being a guy who doesn’t like to use spell check as a matter of principal, I really don’t want to admit how many times it took me to spell tongue correctly the first time… Anyway, after this display of man and woman affection, our lead runs away crying and goes to the dude from Weird Science’s house and ask if he can sleep with him. Not necessarily to DO It with him Sleep With Him but asks if he can go to sleep in Weird Science’s chair and Weird Science will watch him sleep. o _ O MMMKay. Then this happens:

All in all this movie was kind of silly but I actually enjoyed it. Having seen six of these things now, I can tell you, Good Reader, that this is a BILLION times better than Freddy’s Dead. I don’t even think anyone fucking tried with Freddy’s Dead. It was almost like the people involved didn’t WANT to make that installment. I mean, a guy almost get’s killed by a fucking road map, of all things. And Tom Arnold and Rosanne are in it, back when they were both highly overweight and married. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK that shit.

But yeah – this one was good clean fun.

Alrighty, Freddy’s Revenge. huh. Well, who knew. We are introduced to a relatively cute 80s kid who screams like a little bitch, but when Freddy’s after you, I suppose one can be forgiven for that. Anyway, the whole toot here is that Jesse has the body, and Freddy has the brains, and he wants Jesse’s beef, and is willing to do anything for it.

Considering what a strong and bold start the predecessor was, Freddy’s Revenge doesn’t quite stack up. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty cool scenes, and the concept was different, it was more original than many of the movies that follow. It just doesn’t stick with you as long after the fact as the first. It’s still more solid than some of the later films, and is overall a decent ride.

It explored a little more of a darker nature, what with a kid confused about his sexuality (I took that from the film), and a seriously sketchy gym teacher (because really… sweaty young, naked men and leather bars). There was a really dodgy scene (and I should have thought this through before I told the Chop that I liked the scene) – the shower scene. Yes, there was some sketchy S&M stuff initially, but what I liked was Freddy pitching and all that coming apart at the seams to show Jesse his claws and the blood and his terror and femme scream about where he was in the whole scenario.

It delved into some cheese later, when Freddy pitched up at a pool party, but takes a darker turn after that. I really enjoyed Mark Patton in here – he carried the role pretty well. Robert Englund, of course, was fantastic as the striped sweater claw master, and I think he is the best Freddy Krueger we will ever have. Freddy’s Revenge didn’t veer off into a lot of one liners and the comedic streak the Nightmare on Elm Street film eventually turned to, which is something that counts for it.

Freddy’s Revenge is also not a long film, so it’s a quick watch in between things that has some great moments, as well as some terrible ones. A lot of people have some severe issues with this film, but I don’t really think this film is as awful as people paint it to be, though it is certainly not its predecessor.

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

Well guys, naturally things just took on a life of their own with Eric and I and the movie watching thing, and it seems that Potter and Star Trek were not enough – it occurred to us that there are so many other film canons out there – and they all need to be probed! The next up on our “JB & The Chop Present” feature is the Nightmare on Elm Street movies! I think this is just the perfect way to celebrate the end of exams!

SYNOPSIS: On Elm Street, Nancy Thompson and a group of her friends including Tina Gray, Rod Lane and Glen Lantz are being tormented by a clawed killer in their dreams named Freddy Krueger. Nancy must think quickly, as Freddy tries to pick off his victims one by one. When he has you in your sleep, who is there to save you? – via IMDB

I freaking love this movie, I think it’s awesome! Freddy Krueger is just one of those movie monsters that was destined to catch on and become famous. Everyone has nightmares, and everyone is afraid of when your dreams really become a dangerous place, which is why I think this concept worked so well. Freddy’s first outing was fantastic, and remains the best Elm Street film in the canon for me. The reasons are obvious: this film had a story to tell, and everything was fresh and new, and it was not yet a parody of itself. Horror film canons have managed to make that of themselves over the years.

Anyway, A Nightmare On Elm Street is just essential viewing if you like horror. You can totally skip the rest if you want, but this one had it all. I can imagine this must have been extremely creepy when it came out, and this one is also slightly more serious than the others that came later, though not as serious as that piece of crap remake.

There were some fantastic scenes here, and this film was gripping and entertaining from the off, and it was most certainly something fresh and new. You dreams are a dangerous place? Yes, please! It starts off innocently enough, bunch of teenagers, blah, blah, blah. Nothing revolutionary here except maybe seeing an extremely young Johnny Depp. Other than that, nothing remarkable. But that soon gives way to the terror that is Freddy Krueger, and it was the smaller things that made this creepy. I was a huge fan of the scene where you see Freddy start his games with Nancy. The way that wall moved and all was just a stroke of pure genius.

Papa Thompson was a real tool, too, and seemed exceptionally insensitive towards Nancy having lost her friend and all that was going on. Not saying she gave a viable explanation or anything like that, just saying he was way harsher than a father should be. Anyhow, the gore in here was not overly excessive (but that might be for ol’ desensitised me, you might have to check that at a more reliable source) but there is a lot, make no mistake, and the effects were really good for its time. I had a lot of fun with the way the film was directed and the way the cast handled the material. Granted, sometimes it suffered from (typical) flawed horror logic, and other times there was some seriously unbelievable acting and reactions, but overall I think that lends to the film, if anything.

When the movie catches and latches onto Freddy messing with these kids, the strange scenes star popping up in an abundance, and that alone it worth sticking around for, even if you completely ignore the rest of what is going on. Let’s also just talk about Robert Englund: he is the only Freddy I will ever acknowledge because he is perfect in the role. He’s so iconic, too, making it damn near impossible for anyone else to helm the fedora and striped sweater, try as they may. He has become inextricably linked to him, and that is cool too. I know Haley tried with the 2010 remake, but seriously man, what the hell kind of Freddy is that?

There were some really awesome deaths in A Nightmare On Elm Street, memorable and awesome, and broken and disturbing as that may sound. Yes, I am sure that you can tell, I love this movie, and it is a classic for a reason. There may be flaws, but overall Craven delivered a solid monster and a good concept with plenty gore and a cool story. Don’t waste time. Rectify it now if you haven’t seen it, or just go watch it again.

I think I should start this off by saying that, unlike our last project, I’ve only seen two of these – this one and the third one – as a challenge from another bloggy person. I remember liking the first one OK but I thought the third one was a little silly and the way I remember seeing all of the commercials for these things was Freddy spouting cheesy one liners that deterred me from having any real desire to see them, in the theater or elsewhere. So, when our last project was winding down and we both agreed we wanted to do another one, JB suggested this as she loves these movies and who am I to say no to The Most Beloved JB??? So I bought the set for pretty cheap off Amazon and popped in the first one the other day and it was going pretty good until I saw this:

What the FUCK is Freddy doing running like that????? Is he getting ready to hump a barrel full of pickles or something??? I seriously did some LOL-ing and thought, “MMM HMMMM this is what I fucking thought!!!! This shit is going to be so stupid!!!! I’m going to have to give JB a lashing (or something)”. Then this happened:

That was pretty fucking impressive and got me excited for the rest of the movie!! I do love it when people go flying off and spinning around in the air! For real! So we had that goodness and then that scene in the hallway that JB captured up above was pretty fucking sweet and then, unfortunately, there was a little bit of this:

And I was all:

EWWWWW What the fuck??? Really??? but then there was some of this:

And I got too see a boob, so that was redeeming. But then it ended on kind of a dodgy note:

In any case – I liked this one pretty much! It’s not going to beat out Halloween as my favorite start to a horror franchise but I thought most of it was pretty good – with a little cheese thrown in. This was VERY bloody – surprisingly so IMO. But I will tell you this – I sure had fun putting together this post. I’ll tell you something else – I need a fucking haircut!

Top Ten Movie Monsters

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve grown up on a staple diet of horror movies for years. I love the stuff, though there are so many crappy films in the genre, no character development, and a slew of other problems. Irrespective of, there have been some great monsters as far back as I can remember, a whole bunch that stick with you no matter what.

I decided to do a top ten movie monsters list (how original, I know). Naturally this is going to be one of those lists where there is such a vast array of monsters to choose from it is going to be grossly limited. Naturally this is not the definitive list or anything, just a list of ten awesome movie monsters. Anyway, here goes!

Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street films)

I am a massive Freddy Krueger fan (but the old and original Robert Englund stuff, mind, not this new age crap). Freddy is just totally the one thing you don’t want lingering or entering any which one of your dreams ever. Freddy plays with his prey before all sorts of bizarre and messed up executions, and everything for him is darkly, comically funny, not to mention that scary glove he runs around with!

Xenomorph (Alien films)

I honestly don’t think that I need to explain this. These things are scary as hell. Plus two, Alien: Isolation is not particularly helping matters either.

Dr Satan (House of 1000 Corpses)

The hell? House of 1000 Corpses is a crazy watch, and it definitely oozes darkness and horror. Something that was in no shortage throughout the film was messed up characters and devilish monsters. Dr Satan is no exception, he definitely gave me the chills! I would have a heart attack if I woke up and he was the first thing I saw!

Sam (Trick ‘r Treat)

I am a huge fan of Trick ‘r Treat, and I thought that Sam was one of the coolest creature things in a movie ever. Never talking, always just observing, waltzing around town, Sam is not someone you want to cross, or diss Halloween in front of.

Dementors (Harry Potter films)

While I was maybe not the biggest fan of these films (at all), and while they screwed the Dementors up more often than not (appearances and what they do), there was one of them that they got it right in, and knowing what I do about those things, they are nasty creatures you don’t want anywhere near  you at any time, ever.

The Witch King of Angmar (The Lord of the Rings trilogy)

I think you are all familiar with my love of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I talk about it everywhere, as much as possible. High time to be watching it again, I think. Anyhow, the Nazgûl are terrifying monsters, really eerie, but the Witch King of Angmar takes the crown (he he) for this again because he is badass, scary, strong, powerful, backed by dark magics and forces and relentless to boot.

Lycans (Underworld films)

While some were not a fan of Rise of the Lycans, I thought it was a really fun movie, and I loved getting some more back-story on the Lycans. Besides that, I thought they looked really badass and cool in here, and they were awesome overall. An honourable mention here would be the werewolves in Trick ‘r Treat, apparently they were done by the same studios that did the Lycans in Rise of the Lycans.

Bagul / Mr Boogie (Sinister)

Because what the hell… that’s all. Didn’t expect to get something that packed this much punch from something like Sinister, but hey, I thought it was pretty good!

The Thing (The Thing)

Any one of the things in this movie. Come on, they were absolutely nasty, and could become anything, though the procedure was absolutely disgusting!

Zombies (Dawn of the Dead 2004 remake)

Because seriously… if zombies weren’t bad enough, let’s make them run like hell. Nope, heart attack waiting to happen.

Review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

“Did you know that after the heart stops beating the brain can function for well over seven minutes? We got six more minutes to play.”
– Freddy Krueger

Wow. Just wow. I don’t know what to say about this (I lie, I have a lot that I am going to say about this), except that this was the most desperate attempt to reboot a franchise I have ever seen in my life. I really tried to watch this objectively, as something different, and something new, but no way! I miss Robert Englund!

Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) returns (again, but this time theoretically for the first time ever if you could stomach that) to Elm Street. He is intent on catching the kids of the parents that burned him to death all those years ago, the accusers that got him killed. Kids are starting to die off in their sleep, and after watching her friend, Dean (Kellan Lutz), butchered in front of her while he was asleep, Kris Fowles (Katie Cassidy) has to start wondering if there was more substance to Dean’s ravings than she gave him credit for.

At Dean’s funeral, Nancy Holbrook (Rooney Mara) says that she knows something more when Kris sees a photo of her and Dean together when they were small children, although they all supposedly only met in high school. Kris says that he kept saying things before he died. Kris’s boyfriend, Jesse Braun (Thomas Dekker), tells Nancy to shut it, and stalks off. The kids are starting to get afraid, and find out that they have all been sharing the nightmare of a burned man with a bladed glove on, and a striped sweater. Rightfully so they start to freak out a little. Kris is visited by little girls that take her to the attic, where she finds some of her baby photos as well as a slashed dress. None of it makes sense to her.

Playing pinball in 1984 and again in 2010

When exhaustion finally sets in, and Kris’s mother is away, Jesse comes to stay with her so that she is not alone. However, Kris falls asleep, and lo and behold what should happen? She is wrenched from her bed and flung around the room like a ping pong ball and slaughtered against the ceiling, with Jesse screaming for help all the while. Naturally (big shocker), he gets arrested, but not before seeing Nancy and imploring her to help him. Nancy rings her friend, Quentin Smith (Kyle Gallner), who has a major crush on her, and goes to see him to talk about what is going on. Seeing as he offered, it needs to be done. They need to devise a plan of action before they become the latest victims in a tragedy.

The 2010 body bag scene… anyone reminiscing just yet?

Together, they research what is going to happen to them if they do not sleep soon, and it is not good. They could even end up insane if they don’t end up dead, first, and reality and dream world will collide when their brains start shutting down every few seconds for a few seconds of rest. They need to find a way to work this out, and soon. Jesse, too, is killed in prison, and only Nancy and Quentin remain. They piece their separate dreams together, looking for the common thread, and realize that all the dying children were in pre-school together. They are the last two standing. Quentin dreams about Freddy’s death, and confronts his father, Alan Smith (Clancy Brown), about the murder. Quentin does not believe that his father did what he did, and feels the guilt weigh him down that a group of five-year-old may very well have been responsible for an innocent man’s death. However, Freddy is no innocent, and Quentin and Nancy will have to learn this the hard way.

Naturally, as so many times before have shown, the idea is born that one of them will go under and bring Freddy back into the waking realm so that he can be killed on their home turf. Nancy and Quentin drive all the way out to the pre-school where Freddy worked, and where the little kids are that have been warning them. They are now where it all started again, and sure that they have a fighting chance this time. Their plan goes slightly awry, when Quentin, as the sentry that was supposed to wake Nancy, also falls asleep. Who will rouse them both now?

The bath scene, 1984 and again in 2010

A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010) cannot score higher than a 2/10 for me, and even that is being overly generous. It was absolutely godawful. I don’t think I can moan enough about the experience I underwent this weekend. Will I ever recover? Robert Englund was Freddy Krueger, I am sorry, and this was only confirmed more so than ever by this ridiculous movie. This was a total perversion of everything that makes Freddy Krueger Freddy dammit! It seems as though this Freddy was supposed to present himself as absolutely mean and hardcore, serious and scary. Even his voice was ridiculous! Where was the dark, cheesy humour (as sick as that may sound) that made Freddy appealing? I mean truly now! The new Freddy Krueger looks like an absolute abomination of what the franchise produced. He looked so dreadful it even made Wes Craven’s New Nightmare Freddy look legit and awesome again. I know that the burns were supposed to, in theory, be more realistic like this, but you can’t do that twenty six years later! The creators tried way too hard to make this more successful than it could conceivably have been. Instead of cleverly integrating old Nightmare scenes into it, they just blatantly ripped off and copied scenes (the pinball bounce around the walls scene, the body bag dragging around at school, Freddy’s claws in the tub, the walls ballooning out with Freddy under them, being stuck at a school desk, etc. are just some examples). The character names, too, were pulled from previous Nightmare films. Also, no more “bitch” for Freddy? Puh-lease. And so many ripped off lines from the previous ones! I mean I know it is supposed to be an infusion of new story and old and traditional, but all it looked like to me was the new desperately hankering after the old.

What is the meaning of this?! It is not even remotely similar, and most definitely not an improvement!

To add insult to the injury, they progressed to screw up the entire back story! Fred Krueger worked at a pre-school as a janitor, no wife, no child, and molested kids and everyone knew? There was no trial, and a lynch mob of parents simply chased him down and burned him in an abandoned factory? Some of them felt pity? I cannot buy into it, I am sorry. There were eight films previously that all followed the same logic, and then this one is different? Pfffff. I have no idea anymore, really, how something could be so completely desecrated. This truly is the worst distortion of a franchise I have ever seen. For me it was as bad as, if not worse, than the Harry Potter films. Robert Englund was Krueger for almost twenty years, and this was a disastrous job at replacing him, really. I don’t know if I could ever have accepted a new actor (maybe, had they not strayed so far from what he was), but really, the difference is appalling. I cannot reiterate enough how they ruined everything that was perfect before. I am starting my grieving process early seeing as I hear there is another new Elm Street in the pipeline. Honestly? Terrible. Avoid.