October Blind Spot Review: Deliverance (1972)

“Sometimes you have to lose yourself ‘fore you can find anything.”
– Lewis

SYNOPSIS: Intent on seeing the Cahulawassee River before it’s turned into one huge lake, outdoor fanatic Lewis Medlock takes his friends on a river-rafting trip they’ll never forget into the dangerous American back-country. – via IMDB

FUCK THIS FUCKING MOVIE. I bitterly regret having put this on my Blind Spot list – just to completely appreciate all the Deliverance references you see peppered everywhere all the time. Well, let me tell you, fuck this thing. I wish my brother-in-law had done me a zero graphic – I really should have asked him for one when I got him to pull together my score cards. Ugh. This thing should even go into the negatives. I am sure that this opening paragraph tells you all you need to know about how I felt about this pile of shit.

How the fucking fuck did this shitstorm end up with ratings like this?! Why?! Copious amounts of drugs is the only real answer I can think of

Anyway, there is nothing to like about this movie. It is shot terribly and accompanied by some absolutely godawful awful sound, making it a real chore to sit through. Then let us not forget how damn slow it is. Like oh… my… gosh. My attention was wandering all the time, and I am usually a really attentive watcher. For minutes on end you watch a man be raped, a man climb a cliff, men canoeing, men having the same argument, a man lining up a shot for a deer… like seriously. Not like it served a purpose other than to irritate the crap out of me. Let’s double back for a second to that rape scene – so out of the blue and so unnecessary. Ugh. WHY?

Speaking of irritating, Burt Reynolds’s Lewis is a Class A twatbag. It took me three sittings to get through this movie. Lewis was hands down one of the most offensive characters ever. I desperately wanted to see some hillbilly take him down, really. I had to settle for him going through what must have been ungodly pain with a shattered leg and dumped in a canoe in the rapids. I call that karma, you dweeb. Kry vir jou, as we would say in Afrikaans. Now that I have raged about him, I just want to add that all the characters were forgettable and flimsy, but Lewis was an asshat of note and that is why he is the most offensive.

So all in all, my opinion is fuck Deliverance. It was hands down one of the worst movies I have wasted my time on and is one of the most deserving movies of all time for that Shitfest status. If you have seen it, I feel for you (whether you liked it or not), and if you haven’t, avoid this fetid skunk of a movie. Run for the hills. Stay away. AVOID.

Review: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004)

“Love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.” 
– Joe

SYNOPSIS: Now settled in Genovia, Princess Mia faces a new revelation: she is being primed for an arranged marriage to an English suitor. – via IMDB

Oh. My. Goodness. This movie sucked. Really Ugh. I watched this directly after The Princess Diaries, and was still basking in the glow of nostalgia. This certainly snuffed that light right out. Sequels are not usually known to be particularly good or anything like that, but this? Unforgivable on so many levels!

Where to begin? Oh right, the first thing to be said is that there is some horrible CGI featured here. Luckily the movie is not too dependent on that, so we are not tortured too often. Zipping right along, the movie just discards Michael and Mia, a super sweet romance that was set up in the first movie, and it is glibly dismissed here. Come on. Anything more than “he’s touring with his band” would have been better. Then her dropping the line of “I’ve never been in love”? So you weren’t even that annoying teenager in love with him? Because that is not what it seemed like in the last movie. Let me leave these gripes and move on the the rest of the treasure trove.

Royal Engagement is simply embarrassing, really. After all the fun and entertainment we got from the first one, you would hope that this could at least be halfway decent. Even with the same cast, it is not. It is lame, flat, uninspired. The humour was so forced and stupid and the delivery is terrible, which is unforgivable. The romance story here is so generic and predictable. It brought no excitement to the table whatsoever. The entire movie is actually so formulaic. The predecessor might not have been a movie that broke any moulds, but at least it was fun. This was just awkward and silly and I was not pleased one step of the way.

This movie, sadly, also somehow manages to take itself way too seriously, which truly only hurts the experience even more. Royal Engagement is annoying, goes for cheap, cheesy tricks, and they never really land true. The story doesn’t engage you (yes, I did that), and there is nothing that makes you feel that this could be some special, treasured childhood movie. Rewatching this was a stark reminder as to why it got exactly one viewing from me when I was younger. One of the few things that work for this is the cast – Pine, Rhys-Davies, Andrews, Hathaway and Elizondo give it what they’ve got. They were quite good, even with the abysmal material, but could still not save this train wreck of a movie. Pine and Hathaway worked very well together, it’s just a pity that this is what they had to work with. This movie is so bad it can’t even be guilty pleasure bad.

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement is a colossal waste of your precious time and energy.  It is a prime example of how not to do a sequel. There is virtually nothing to praise in this (they even managed to throw a spanner in the works between Joe and Clarisse – not okay) and I spent near two hours cringing and annoyed. You could totally pretend this one does not exist and just acknowledge the first one. Seriously.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Terror (2016)

Once again JB and I delve into the Crimes Against Humanity section of movie making and take a look at The Amityville Terror. Is it bad?? Oh god yes! Is it the worst?? Well…. I hate to spoil things but that’s coming up soon. I thought this had some passable moments but it wasn’t good by any means. I think it’s funny that this franchise will never die and we’re attached to it despite all of our good intentions. There’s a line in a movie called Reign of Fire where Matty Maconougheyhey says “We have paid a terrible price….” and I think the two of us can both attest to that.

Let’s go!

SYNOPSIS: When a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there. – via IMDB

A perfectly happy family, living in peace on a sunny parcel of land in California receive news that the bank is foreclosing on them and they must vacate immediately. The mother and father ignore these messages and spend their days and nights pounding away at each other; in the bed, on the clothes dryer, in a pool of cold marsala gravy spilled on the floor, etc. The daughter gets sick of this so she spends her days dirt back riding. One day, while she is out in the hills riding her bike and collecting possums, the bank sends a bulldozer to the house, razing it to the ground, killing her parents. Distraught, but happy that all that constant banging is over, she moves in with her aunt in New York where she gets possessed and goes on a sick murdering streak until she is finally gunned down in a Bonnie and Clyde style shoot out on Amityville’s Main Street.

Sound good??? Well, it’s not and, honestly, none of that really happens. What does happen is this:

Girl and family move to new town… into a house possessed by Satan…

Girl meets boy…

Drunken aunt bathes in acid….

Someone has to deal with Satanic rosebushes…

Someone gets a blowjob from his own sister then bangs her over the kitchen table….

Someone somehow turns into some sort of growling witch with white eyes…

OOPS!! How’d that get in there??

And then it is, mercifully over… or is it????

I know it’s always fun to rag on a bad movie – and this one is BAD – but it’s not the worst of the bunch. The Amityville Playhouse was the worst of them all. This one is awful, to be sure, but it did have a couple of cool spots in it. Maybe three. The dialogue is pitiful. The CGI is THE WORST. Most of the story makes no fucking sense BUT it was better then Playhouse.

Things like this happen: a fully nude woman is taking a bath. Elsewhere in the house, her brother pours some drain cleaner down a sink. The tub fills with acid! “OOHMYGODOHMYGODIMBURNING!!!” she screams, falling out of the tub, exposing her shaved business. But she’s really not. Psych!

Later, a woman looks at her rose bushes. They are dead. So, as we all would, she starts screaming and moaning and pulls them out of the ground slashing her arms on the thorns and smearing blood all over her face. Quality!

Even later that day, the dad comes home from work after killing his boss in the worst fiery death you’ve ever seen. “I killed my boss today” he says. “How about i make you feel better?” she coos and gives him a blowy. Not satisfied, he pounds on her from behind for five seconds, makes his jizz and goes to bed. Uh oh! His wife is already in bed so he must have just boned his sister! Value.!

Yep – it’s bad. Is it #BazookaList bad? I actually didn’t HATE it like I hate some of these things I watch but it wasn’t good. I wonder how JB will react?

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! For reals. The Chop and I have been waiting for the release of Amityville: The Awakening in 2017 (maybe, if they ever get done with it). Waiting? Dreading. Sorry. I need to make amends. Anyway, I was minding my own business the other day when I got this:

I was not shocked when that was followed by:

I could not believe my eyes! This little movie hopped up out of nowhere and beat Amityville: The Awakening to the punch. ANOTHER FREAKING AMITYVILLE MOVIE, WITH ANOTHER FREAKING TERRIBLE TITLE?! This franchise will never die. Then I went to have a look see, and this is what I saw:

It’s a freaking free for all! Just look at that! The list below was posted once upon a time in one of our reviews. These were all the Amityville films. Fourteen, if you count the one we are waiting for in 2017. Now? EIGHTEEN, counting the 2017 one. Four just popped up out of nowhere.

Anyway, after all that, and educating both our readers and ourselves that we (apparently) have a shit ton  more of these crap things to catch up on, I will move on to the actual body of this review.

I totally thought that the one hour, twenty four minute runtime was doable. Heck, shorter than most of the others ones we have trekked through. Goodness, I should have thought about how that same runtime can feel like a lifetime if it is beyond boring. And let me just tell you, The Amityville Terror is less interesting than watching paint dry.

The intro for this movie is godawful, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the movie. It did not improve at all. In fact, it went steadily downhill, with this silly girl playing the lead, an awkward family, a guy that fucks his sister somewhere along the way (really, they went for gold here guys), families sacrificed for witchcraft (I think), and a right hooker looking woman who has odd nipples that rents this death house out to unsuspecting victims.

The dialogue is super stunted, and made me cringe more often than not. I don’t know people who talk to each other like that, it’s not natural. Besides the dialogue being hinky, the interactions between the characters were utterly unbelievable and awkward to watch. The Amityville Terror knows nothing about finesse, and spends no time setting up a story. No, sir. Let’s just get right into the crazy. Not the good kind, mind, just the ridiculous kind.

The costume design was also something that had me wondering wtf. A lot of the women looked like they could do with a hell of a lot more material in their closets, the teenage girl could totally buy brands outside of Fox, and some people need to check their sizing and go shopping again. Gosh, I know how harsh that sounds, but the people even looked uncomfortable, which made things even worse.

As for the characters, I couldn’t stand any of them. Especially Hailey, that daughter. What a little ingrate man, and how rude can you be?! WOW! The characters took over and desperately tried to convince us that there was a story to be found here, which there totally wasn’t.

This movie suffers from bad, bad, bad, bad, bad writing. It is unforgivable actually. The writers stuffed the movie with shitty characters and nudity to try and hide it, and that was even worse. It was beyond stupid and ridiculous to boot, and features some of the best CGI and acting I have ever seen (PLEASE NOTE: Do not miss sarcasm). Like ho-ly shit. That being said, I can think of way worse movies in this godawful franchise. Not that it makes this one amazing or anything, but heck, it is infinitely better that Playhouse, the Chop is right, that was hands down the most offensive of the lot.

Rapid Review: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

“You failed, Michael. Want to know why? Because I’m not afraid of you.”
– Laurie Strode

SYNOPSIS: Three years after he last terrorized his sister, Michael Myers confronts her again, before traveling to Haddonfield to deal with the cast and crew of a reality show which is being broadcast from his old home. – via IMDB

Holy crapsticks. I know this movie gets a lot of hate, and you know what? Totally justifiable. Like really. I remember this one from when I was younger (I was itty bitty when this came out, so obviously we were checking this out as teens), but what a waste of a film! I especially do not like the fact that it negated the end of H20, which was damn near perfect, and then totally peed all over the Laurie/Michael thing, and the way Laurie was handled here? Criminal. This movie has such a super long, bland title credits opening that I was already regretting this. Something I did think about in this one more than any of the others movies is how we never actually wonder too much about how Michael passes the time between hunting down Laurie/some doomed bloodline. Seriously – what does he do? Where does he get his information? It’s not like he chills at the library or goes to the DMV or anything. Like there were fresh spices in the house now – granted, most likely put there by Dangertainment – but all I could picture was Michael like this:

I know, right?! Anyway. Resurrection touts two disjointed stories – the opening with Laurie and Michael, and their messed up family history, and then this stupid found footage/explore the Myers house on Halloween angle. Ugh. They both sucked. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, and the camera work is shoddy. Plus there was the constant splicing of found footage in here, which felt gimmicky, and you know how much I love found footage. Also, the lead was constantly screaming, which just annoyed the heck out of me. And she didn’t know how to use a chainsaw, which is not the most shocking, but when it is the only thing between you and life or death, make it count! Michael Myers also had a crappy mask in this one, no lies. Hands down the worst sequel of the bunch. The others were fine, but this thing? A disgrace, a mess, a wreck. I totally get why it is so reviled. Pfffffffffff.

JB & The Chop Do: Saw VII: The Final Chapter (2010)

This is it, the final chapter! Here we are, JB & The Chop, at another close to yet another franchise.

SYNOPSIS: As a deadly battle rages over Jigsaw’s brutal legacy, a group of Jigsaw survivors gathers to seek the support of self-help guru and fellow survivor Bobby Dagen, a man whose own dark secrets unleash a new wave of terror. – via IMDB

The final freaking leg folks – yes, pun intended! This was definitely not the most grueling franchise that Eric and I have ever covered, but it certainly was the nastiest! Anyway, final stretch here, let’s see how I felt about it.

First thoughts, right off the bat. Brad and Brian???? Guys, what did you do over there at Hard Ticket To Home Video???? Goodness!

I don’t know if I have just become super desensitized or something throughout the duration of these movies – but that opening act was lame. Also: “I think we’re breaking up with you Dina.” – I actually cringed. More so than usual. WTF?! This is just beyond sketchy.

Prior to this movie, all the victims had involvement with Kramer and what went wrong in his life. These victims? Nope. No story provided for them, either, which is unlike this series. Another issue I had was the survivors – I honestly didn’t recognise most of the, so, uhm, what the hell? These traps were obviously not devised at the spur of the moment by Hoffman to hunt down Jill, I am sorry, I just cannot buy into that.

This final chapter is one of the most fucking useless movies I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, the previous six were not exactly a wealth of amazing movies or anything, but this thing? It is so stupid, and so pointless, and it looks awful! Even Saw, with its tiny ass budget, didn’t look nearly as horrendous as this. Let’s not even forget that fuck it, nobody must win in this thing, and the acting was atrocious. This movie didn’t tie in neatly with the rest, either, and sort of languished in the glory of the name of this franchise, but brought nothing to the table.

GORDON LIVES! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK?! Finally, this is answered! The Chop and I have been wondering about this since the first bloody film!

Ugh. to say that this movie was bland and formulaic is the understatement of the century. The fact that our “protagonist” was an asshole and let everyone die is so not a shocker. Ugh. What a freaking dweeb and a loser. The traps were also pretty unimaginative this time around (yes, now I must admit, watching these movies have desensitized me too much), and the movie takes forever to slog through the 90 minute runtime. The logic is also so damaged – not because the other six were brilliant, but at least the freaking things were more consistent than this pile of trash.

I was actually getting a little antsy by the end though about Hoffman not paying for his deeds, because that would have pissed me right off. He is a jackass, and deserved to be punished, whether by legal system or… other means.

Thanks to all of you for sticking this out with us, reading, commenting, and sharing the love/disgust/whatever. We will always appreciate you guys!

This is it!! For now at least… god damn this movie sucked…. at least with the previous six they tried to make some sort of tie-ins. This time the dead Jigsaw is just killing random people for things like cheating on each other. And in public. And he seems to be dressing them in the worst fashion ever:

I don’t know why this irritates me so much but it does. Who was in charge of the costume department that said “Let’s put these guys in matching overalls. All the kids today are wearing brown overalls.”

Also – this opening scene was so fucking stupid I couldn’t stand it.

“I love you!! Kill him!!”

“You bitch!! I’ll kill you!!”

“No I meant I love you!! Kill him!!”

The fucking worst.

I don’t even know what to say about this movie. Jigsaw is killing random people from beyond the grave. Again. Kill me now. Here’s our obligatory picture of Betsy Russell’s boobs:

For some reason, Powder is in this and here are his boobs:

July Blind Spot Review: Oldboy (2003)

“Your gravest mistake wasn’t failing to find the answer. You can’t find the right answer if you ask the wrong questions.”
– Woo-jin Lee

SYNOPSIS: After being kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, Oh Dae-Su is released, only to find that he must find his captor in 5 days. – via IMDB

Okay, unpopular opinion time, folks! I didn’t like this movie. At all. I know that it has a huge fan base and people love it and they have praised it from here to Kingdom Come, but I didn’t like it one little bit. I am surprised because, contrary to popular opinion, I actually liked the remake of this, so I was sure I was going to like the original. How sorely mistaken I was. I will have to rewatch the remake again sometime to compare the two films, but I definitely preferred the remake. Oldboy was an uncomfortable watch from the beginning, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the annoying score, I didn’t like the horrible camera work, I didn’t like the sick and awkward sex scene, I didn’t like that goddamn octopus scene in the manky restaurant… obviously this list can go on and on. I found so much of this film to be unsavoury and undignified, and I didn’t like one moment of it. I have no idea why this film has been lauded by so many. I had issues with the pacing, the tone, the way it was shot and how it looked, as well as what I am assuming was supposed to be humour laced throughout. Maybe this is because I don’t really understand most Asian cultures – this is true, for sure. Maybe it is because I am not interested in Asian cultures whatsoever, and never have been. I know that sounds terrible. Most of the world is fascinated by the East, but I am not at all, just doesn’t tickle my fancy. It’s not even the fact that this is a subtitled film that irritates me, because I love watching foreign movies, or subtitled films – especially when they are good. This was not, and I would not recommend it to anyone. Ever. I know, contrary to popular opinion, but I really disliked this movie, and will in no which way be looking into it again. Waste of my time, really. Ick.

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville II – The Possession (1982)

You know, when Eric picked these movies, I thought there were a few, and I knew they wouldn’t be great, but I went with it because hey, let’s see what else there is to watch! Well… then we got these. Really we did. It is pain, it is torture! BUT it is our duty to keep everybody informed and safe from such evils (if you have been fortunate enough to miss the bulk of these), and we take our job seriously! Now, the Chop and I checked out Amityville II: The Possession, and while the fact that I flipped out about it is widely known, let’s look at this one last time, see what Eric has to say!

SYNOPSIS: An Italian-American family move into a house built on an ancient Indian burial ground. The oldest son is possessed by an evil spirit, and is forced to murder his family. The family’s priest feels responsible, and tries to save the possessed boy’s soul. – via IMDB

As you all know, I absolutely hated this. I hated this enough to submit it as my Shitfest entry in the latest running. I mean I didn’t expect great things from this series, but I don’t know when last I watched something that I wanted to scream and rage about. This one was certainly that. Fucking ridiculous I tell you.

I reiterate: Fuck. This. Movie. Fuck it. Don’t go near it. Don’t touch it. Don’t even blink in the direction of it. Do not even, for a minute, consider entertaining that thought that, for a joke, encourages you to check this out. Just don’t even go there. For your own health. For your own safety.

This movie was heavy handed. It was useless. The characters sucked. The dad was an abusive nitwit that I couldn’t bear to look at, and we had to deal with watching him beat up the kids in the family. That wasn’t even just alluded to. As if my stomach wasn’t churning enough, we have a brother and a sister going all the way with each other, you know, cause that’s how it is supposed to be done. I was horrified.

This movie aimed to shock more than anything, and I really think it wanted to be the next Exorcist movie, but that was just doomed and never meant to be. This was just badly put together in every which way. Ugh. What a waste of my life. I will never get it back. Never, ever, ever. This movie was offensive, and I would not even recommend this to my own worst enemy.

Watching this, I was ready to pop someone!

I have no idea how they realistically want to tie this in with the original because come on, nothing fits, nothing gels, nothing works, so I just cannot even tie it in with that one. It just fucks out, and someone should be burnt at the stake for creating this godawful life-stealing, hunk of junk crappy film.

I mean, you can head on over here to check out my Shitfest entry, where I discussed the abusive cunt father, the possessed sister-shagger son, the heavy handed directing and useless movie overall in much more detail.

STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Well, here we are again with a prequel to the big hit The Amityville Horror. This time around the studio bends over and puts its ass in the air to tell the story of the previous family who lived in the scary, old house before James Brolin and Lois Lane. Remember – that was the big money making opening scene in the first movie where the kid went in and gunned down his own family in the middle of the night? Remember how that scared the shit out of everyone? Well, let’s see how they did in telling their story. Hey look! It’s Paulie from Rocky!! Hi Paulie! Are you going to break the mold and be a real stand up guy in this one?? Spoiler – he’s not and this movie says:

“FUCK YOU CONTINUITY!!!”

So this happy family moves in and the dad is a cocksucking dickhead but the rest of them seem ok although the brother and sister seem a little off. I’m sure they’re just really close like most siblings are. Maybe they’re even BFFs! Nice sweater, kid. I wonder if it will come off later.

And, like always when you buy a 100 year old house, soon the faucets are running blood and there are flies everywhere and mirrors are cracking and there’s a giant hole in the ground that leads to hell.

Undeterred, they continue to lead good Christian lives until the son gets horny and he and his sister start doing some fuckin’ – so – yep – that sweater popped off. At first she’s not into it and even confesses to a priest that she went “all the way with…. a friend” but later in the movie she encourages it so I’m confused with that but… eventually the mom gets wind of their behavior and confronts them then the dad gets home, gets drunk and beats the three of them up and down the house.

In the biggest piece of SHITFEST continuity ever produced, the kid kills his parents there in the living room around dinner time and then murders his sisterlover on the stairs so basically this movie says FUCK YOU to the opening of the first, even though it’s made by the same people.

#weak
#idiots
#terrible
#fuckinglosers

Another part of the creepy charm, or what have you, of the first one is that there’s this big money scene where Brolin is getting all batshit and he’s in the library reading some microfiche and he comes across the newspaper article regarding the murder of the family before they move in. Scroll, scroll, scroll he does and finds the accompanying picture of the murderer in the backseat of the cop car and: IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!!

Let’s see here:

FAIL!!!!

Then things start to get worse as some priest thinks the kid is just possessed, so this movie gets it’s Exorcist on and it’s really lame all the way to the end.

Although, I must admit, there was one thing that was absolutely horrifying. Towards the end, the poor, sweaterless girl returns as as a demon and tempts the priest to have sex with her. I don’t know how they pulled it off but it’s absolutely the most terrifying, lip licking seduction of all time. I tried to make a gif of it but this is the first gif I’ve ever made so it’s not the best thing in the world, but hopefully you get the picture.

Since we’re posting these after SHITFEST, I already know how JB feels about this one. I didn’t hate it as much as she did, but it’s not good.  We have’t talked about it yet, but I lobby that this is a million times better than the third….