JB & The Chop Do: Blair Witch (2016)

When the trailer for this movie first came out, I believe it was called “The Woods”,  made by the team that did “You’re Next” and “The Guest”, this looked nut-busting awesome and seemed like it would be a big winner. Then they called it Blair Witch and it went straight to streaming so…. hmmmm….. did anyone’s nuts bust here???

SYNOPSIS: After discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch. – via IMDB

The answer to that is a big, blue balls no for this wretched movie. What the FUCK? This was totally stupid from start to finish, I don’t know about JB but I wanted to kill all of the characters as well as the writer and director, and then they threw in of the worst fucking CGI creatures I’ve ever seen. Fuck you, man!

Who could have possibly thought that was a good move? Also – I think there was something going on with a spaceship. Or something. And some time travel. I think. I couldn’t have cared less.

You know the routine. A bunch of dopes go into the woods. They hear a bunch of shit noises. They go into an old house. They eat shit and die. Fucking suck it! I mean, I can’t even think of things to write… here’s that one pic again:

Are they trying to make us think that the Blair Witch is the stick figure thing?? Are they trying to insert THIS movie into the Ancient Aliens mythology?

I don’t know what to tell you but this movie is horseshit. I want to give another dearest thanks to The JB. Despite everything we’ve been through she’s still hanging in there with me. Surely things will get better for us, right??? Now – the real question is asked – are JB and I aliens from a distant time? Are we visiting from the past…. or the future?

Or is this an example of The Mandela Effect and you don’t remember things the way they happened………………………… ??

You know, I mistakenly thought that things couldn’t go further downhill with these movies than that Book of Shadows crap. I was sooooo wrong.

So, Wingard is a director that a lot of people fawn about. For me, outside of The Guest (of which I still have an indecent obsession), I am not totally in love. Him and Barrett aren’t bad, they are a little different, and I like that, but I don’t think they are like the Second Coming or anything. So I didn’t expect to hate this (shit, I even liked Death Note, though I will likely be butchered for even saying that), but I did. There. I said it.

Blair Witch is so fucking messy and upside down and stupid and cringy and NO. So much no. Initially I was really interested in the concept of Heather’s brother still wanting to know what happened to her all those years ago, and wanted to see what would happen. Instead we have icky dialogue, the characters I cared least about in the whole series, and then… the Witch/Spindly-Legged-Spider-Alien. Like… guys? Help?

There were a ton of throwbacks to the first movie littered throughout this one, and for the most part, those sections were handled rather well, which is odd considering how useless the rest of the movie was. And I am all for making a project yours, but this just… didn’t really fall in line as well as you would have hoped. We had alien witch things and outside light ups and arms in trees slapping people around, Prohibition tunnels, tents getting ripped up, and people being snapped like twigs. Uhm… sure.

So all of that makes it sound like a lot of crazy stuff was going on and that it was at least worth a watch, right? Wrong. If you take everything together and put it there, it looks like there was quite a bit to watch. In reality, there was a lot of bitching and moaning, crappy camera work, bland friendships, flat, generic characters and a whole lot of meh-ness all round. Seriously, I thought this would have been a little better. There are reviews I have read online that called this movie smart (!!!!!) and deft (!!!!!) and scary (!!!!!) and I am just wondering if we all even watched the same fucking movie. Because this movie is lame and heavy handed and soooooo drawn out and boring.

Needless to say peeps, I think the only movie you need to see in this series (if you haven’t seen any and if you want to see what it is all about) is The Blair Witch Project, even though it is screechy and low budget, it also comes across as the most sincere, and it was the movie that popularised the stupid found footage genre.

Thanks to everyone who stuck with us for yet another series and read, commented, and enjoyed our torture! We survived this franchise, too! The things we put ourselves through for fun and entertainment. But you know what? We secretly love it. And PSC, you are the bomb! I totally love working with you on all our projects, and I am so happy you were up for these, even if they were sketchy.

JB & The Chop Do: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Hello! Hola! Greetings! Salutations! That’s about all I know being from where I live and I am not a linguist. What’s the English one? Jolly good old cock? Or – “I am the Queen, let the Olympiad games begin.” ? In any case, Hi. Remember this movie? Remember the 2nd? Did you know there was a third and now a 4th (not released yet)? Did the first one scare the shit out of you? Did the 2nd suck as much ass as the population of Earth described? Did the third – by the guys that did “You’re Next” and “The Guest” – turn out all right?? When we get to the 4th will we want to harm ourselves???? Tune in over the next few weeks and find out!

Or else……..

SYNOPSIS: Three film students vanish after traveling into a Maryland forest to film a documentary on the local Blair Witch legend, leaving only their footage behind. – via IMDB

I remember I saw this in the theater. I remember the theater had an attendant come in before the thing and tell us its been make people sick all day and to be warned. I remember seemingly liking it. I know that I’ve never watched it again because of the whole non-ending. Now I’m set to give it another go almost 20 years later. Let’s see what happens.

This has got to be one of the more irritating movies I’ve seen in some time. I’m about 45 minutes  in and nothing at all has happened except for a lot of nonsense screaming about nothing, bad improvised dialogue and  just some weird sounds offscreen that offer no value. I would think that any sensible human being, when hearing a noise in the bushes, would hunker down and prepare to fight and not run blindly screaming into the dark, cold woods where the sound is coming from. Plus, if I were any member of that trio, I would have told the other two to FUCK OFF and left long ago. And it’s not even in fucking HD.

BRB

AT 59 minutes in, Heather is screaming the word ‘Josh’ so loudly and so close to the camera’s microphone that it made me want to puke. I’m really starting to wonder why I’m doing this to myself.

Who hasn’t seen this movie? Do you want to? It’s not scary one bit. The shaky cam footage really is nauseating.  All three leads (the only three) are all cut-your-own-fucking-ears-off-and-eat-them shriek-y and scream-y. There’s no payoff at the end and everything that is supposed to frighten happens off screen.

I remember watching Blair Witch 2 at some point on video tape back in my old apartment. I remember being the only person in the United States that liked it. I remember looking at it a few years later here at home when I was drunk and stoned turnt wasn’t on anything and have vague memories of liking it again but i guess we’ll see soon!

Okay, well, here we are! I figured it was worth giving this a shot – you all know how much I absolutely adore fund pottage (and for those of you who don’t, please don’t miss my sarcasm), but I also know that this was something I watched quite a few times when I was younger. Back when it came out it was fresh and new and it’s popularity skyrocketed found footage into the limelight… unfortunately.

Found footage is not the easiest thing to watch – usually a really shitty camera, or a decent one, but there is so much movement going on your head spins and you don’t have all the time in the world to follow everything, and a lot of things get lost in the hurry and confusion. Me? I like things to come together deliberately. Now all of that aside, The Blair Witch Project still holds up pretty well. I mean it guys! It is still one of the better films in the genre!

Heather is an absolute bitch. She is headstrong and rude and egotistical to boot, and she is right all the time and can never be wrong and is so… no. She got on my damn nerves, and I got why Mike and Josh got so annoyed with her. They were in a super shitty predicament and not once would she acknowledge that, nor would she ‘fess up and take even one iota of responsibility for the shit storm.

Low budget and all of that, The Blair Witch Project definitely comes together in terms of the authenticity of the actors going to pieces out in the woods. Usually found footage can feel so… forced, and this did not feel more so than say, her having the camera out and irritating people. In fact, the movie did a pretty damn good job at not having the camera rolling all the time, major complaints when it was running more than was strictly necessary, and later a begrudging acknowledgement went out as to how it took some fear and panic out of the hopeless situation.

Now, it must be said that the movie is far longer than it absolutely needs to be. Like, way too long. It could have been half this length and probably told exactly the same story, which would have worked out far better, I reckon. Well, just some editing. Take this down to an hour. That’s a big thing with FF – it just drags on way longer than it should.

The Blair Witch Project is too long and way too screechy at times, but it is one of the better ones of the genre, flaws and all. I didn’t want to yank my teeth out, at any rate.

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 4 (2011)

After taking such a long hiatus – and relieving the public of my constant shame – I want to say that I have had a shitload of fun doing this again, JB. Thanks for not giving up on me :  ) I haven’t exactly loved these Scream movies BUT I didn’t grow up on them like you did. I wonder what we can pick next… maybe something older – like ME! I remember the 90s as my young 20s when I moved out of my mom’s and went to college and had to start paying bills and shit and working 90 hours a week (for real). Those aren’t my fondest memories CRY CRY CRY. But, with that, I had to say this was probably my favorite one of the bunch… *walks slowly backwards out of the room….

SYNOPSIS: Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer. – via IMDB

What made me like it the most out of the four? It came out in 2011 so it was a little more modern. It was definitely much  more gory,  #guts . Dewey seems to be back to his role as an inept #dingdong . I know the cast is principally the same but I liked the cameos. This came out right when True Blood was popular so I wonder how much they had to pay Anna Paquin and her #legs to be in this for two minutes? I also liked the fact that the killer made sense this time even though I still think the costume is not #tits . If you don’t get that reference, you can search my site for the three page explanation of how that term came into my life. Searching that word on my site will take you to probably 1000 of the 1300+ posts out there. Go find it and get back to me here. Maybe you’ll win a prize! A #booby prize!

Plus – Marley Shelton??? #??????????? any movie with her in it gets extra marks from me.

I also like Emma Roberts. I don’t think JB does but I do – I really liked her in Scream Queens.

You know what I didn’t like? This asshole’s hairdo. (Not the chick). A man’s hair should never blow in the wind! #fuckinhippies

I also really liked the publicist:

Where have I seen her before??? OH YEAH! She’s one of the leads from GLOW!

I loved that show! Bring on season two! More #spandex and #chickfights and #cleavage and #bighair and #showerscenes . #hashtag

I always try and end these runs with a nice thank you to the beloved JB, not that that happens consistently but… even though JB and I live on different continents, if it ever came down to it, and I was a zombie:

It gives It permission to end It without repercussions. It does not want It to end It in any way, but It saw this image and it made It think of It.

Always love,

It

And here we are, the final movie. Thank you all for sticking with us, reading, commenting, everything. As always, we appreciate it! It’s been a blast, and hopefully we will be back soon with something new!

I think that this is a damn fine entry to the series, especially after so many years passing in between. More solid than the last, that is for sure, and I really liked how it took the concept of Scream and modernised it to cellphones, vlogging, etc. So much has changed! I will always be a fan of the fact that the same cast has always returned for their roles, it just gives the whole experience a more cohesive and authentic feeling, which is awesome. I really like how these movies are all solid – truly, how many franchises can say that they have so many entries and that they are all well worth watching? *cough* Amityville *cough*

Thank goodness Cox’s hair was sorted out – Scream 3 did her no wonders whatsoever, and whoever styled her hair with that fringe should have been shot. Seriously. Her and Dewey being together is adorable, and I will not lie, that blonde woman, Hicks, who was hitting on Dewey? Really made me angry Stay away or go find an available man, hooker! Even though the Chop thinks she is hot. Which is fine. But she must back off the Gale/Dewey thing!

And yes, the Chop is 100% right – I am still not sold on Emma Roberts. Even her face just looks like a spoiled brat to me, and she always comes across like that, too. Ugh. She isn’t even that great an actress (or I have yet to see her in anything where she wows me, at any rate).

Scream 4 brings on the slashing, the guts, the gore, some humour, more movie references than you can shake a stick at and all most all of our favourite characters. *cough cough* no Randy ;( The rules have been updated, too, for a more modern set, and it works for this. When this first came I just didn’t watch it, because… well… what if it didn’t end well? When I finally got to it I was pleasantly surprised, and definitely rank this over Scream 3.

I almost died when they tried to call Rory Culkin’s Charlie Walker this generation’s Billy Loomis. Are you freaking kidding me?????? Are you?????? I mean I get the updating and all of that but… but… yeah. Still not, though I did like how he was worked with in this.

Hayden Panettiere (who I am sure will always be Claire, the cheerleader, for me) initially struck me as potentially out of place in this, but fast becomes a fan favourite, she’s awesome.

Anyway, after all is said and done, I just want to thank Eric from the bottom of my heart for doing these movies with me! I am glad to see you liked them, even if you didn’t love them! I am so excited for any and all future projects that we will do together (and damn, those Amityville movies are racking up again). This is always fun and you rock 😀

PS: It loves Its picture, but It will not be ending It in a hurry!

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 3 (2000)

Peeps! We are totally on a roll with these movies, the most awesome Chop and I! Man, I have been having a blast, and I am thrilled the Chop was game to do another one of these. So now we are on to the third part of the original trilogy. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of the four Scream films… but what did PSC think of this thing?

SYNOPSIS: While “Stab 3” is in production, somebody in a ghost mask starts to murder the new cast members. This lures Sidney out from hiding deep in the woods where she lives, and she comes to Hollywood to face the killer for the final act. – via IMDB

So let me immediately start out by saying that Courtney Cox’s hairdresser completely screwed up her hair. Gale is this hot, tenacious reporter with very few qualms. Then she’s back here, and she is all those things but that fringe. Plus her wardrobe. Okay, there was just a lot appearance-wise that was just not working for her in this. Goodness. It was like a horror movie all on its own!

This one certainly lacked the charm of the previous two. I appreciated what was being done here, though I was not a big fan of everything being “the movies” and “on set”. It was gimmicky and didn’t work for very long. Scream 3 is certainly the flimsiest of the lot – the story is absolutely ridiculous, but what saves this is the consistency – seriously, the story, the actors reprising their roles, the humour, Sidney still wearing Derek’s necklace, it all works so well in keeping this movie afloat more so than it would otherwise have worked.

Randy Meeks got a little cameo, which was cool.

Neve Campbell truly is fantastic as Sidney, and she is one of my all time favourite horror movie heroines. She just won’t make anything easy for anyone and stands her ground. She is afraid, but she is also sick and tired of all the bullshit. Much love man, much love.

The “romance” of the phone calls has been lost, there are calls, but more often than not, like the last, it is more about slashing and killing than anything else. Scream 3 totally delivers on the gore and all, but yeah, there was just something missing.

Totally stoked to see Gale and Dewey back at it again – this is a romance I will always love. It is just so silly and it works.

Parker Posey irritates the ever-loving crap out of me always, and this movie was no exception. Aside from the silly story, I think she is the main culprit as to why this movie is not a little higher in my esteem, though I still enjoy it. She is grating, annoying, loud, ridiculous, and just all round grating. I don’t ever find her to be an asset or a selling point in a cast.

Anyway, Scream 3 is still fun, though definitely a decline after the other two, but miles ahead of most horror/shasher sequels. The reasoning and explanations get pretty fucking thin (har har) here, but it still entertains nonetheless, and the consistency of these movies elevates it. Much fun.

Scream 3! The last one! Bangs! Like I’ve said before, I’m not really familiar with these things, but I did find myself laughing a few times in this. Was this supposed to be more of a horror comedy? Or was this supposed to be a horror and the new writer through in some laughs? I know all three of these have aimed to poke fun at themselves for being a horror movie, sequel, etc but this one was kind of funny. Mostly with these two:

I’ve NEVER been a fan of Parker Posey but for some reason I liked her in this. She’s kind of…. dumb but hangs in there. When her and Bangs start screaming and running around with their arms flailing in the air, I liked it. LOL They also had some of the better lines. I liked it when Cox was tied up, off screen and she yells, “SHOOT THE FUCKER!”

I also see Jenny McCarthy’s in here. Obviously for her very good acting skills.

Plus, she really just screams purple!

The keen eye will also notice Emily Mortimer’s décolletage – look at me using fancy words!

I remember when this guy was popular as a kid – before JB was even born. Then he was popular again on that TV show which I never understood. My bad, I guess. Nice hair, bro.

So someone else has a hood and a mask and a knife and a voice altering device. He or she is going around stabbing people and throwing them through glass doors. While this one was bloodier and décolletage-ier, I thought this was pretty flimsy. Like – there’s this one scene where Campbell is running away from the ghost face guy and she opens this door on a movie set and almost falls to her death but then, when she pushes ghosty out the door he falls onto a bed that wasn’t there three seconds before.

Or, during the big climax-explain-why-hes-doing-all-of-this scene, he’s talking to her for several minutes in the killer voice but he’s not even holding the voice modulator to his mouth… because he can’t…. because he’s wearing a fucking mask! Plus, the whole reasons why this person decided to mass murder all of these people in cold blood was kind of stupid. It was kind of the cinematic rendering of this:

Meanwhile, not only were there Creed posters on the wall of the movie-set’s house, there were Creed songs played over the credits. So, speaking of asses:

Anthony Scott Stapp. Get it?? A.S.S. Get it???? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH I fucking crack myself up. I’ve already watched number 4 by now so I can say – YUM

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 2 (1997)

“A year after running over a fisherman and dumping his body in the water, four friends reconvene when Julie receives a frightening letter telling her that their crime was seen. While pursuing who he thinks is responsible for the letter, Barry is run over by a man with a meat hook. The bloodletting only increases from there, as the killer with the hook continues to stalk Julie, Helen and Ray.”

Oh wait…. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH????

SYNOPSIS: Two years after the first series of murders, a new psychopath dons the Ghostface costume and a new string of killings begins. – via IMDB

For The Good Reader / Zutsonian with a keen eye (it seems paying attention these days is something a lot of people aren’t fond of) the team-up for the first Scream we put out was drafted over two years ago. Since then, I have spent over a year in a foreign land, living in a hotel and eating shit food until a few months ago when things started calming down and I was able to get a laptop back in action. Note: I am NOT fucking patient or OCD free enough to try and do posts on a tablet or phone. Anyway, since time is still precious, my entry here will probably be written in two parts before it goes live, so here’s Part One.

“A guy can’t even take a fucking piss….” that’s actually a quote from Angel Heart (maybe not [sic]) and it may or may not apply here but, I thought it was laughable that these two fellows were off pissing in their ROBES and MASKS setting up the first kill.

1. As a male, normally, you have to be able to handle the thing that releases the pee – which is why the Benevolent Creator (as it is, whatever you believe in) allowed humans to invent the slit in the front of the pants or, at least, a tie string so we can drop them and let go #zippers
2. The male human has to be able to see the thing that releases the pee in order to aim or else you fucking piss all over the floor and, likely, your fucking feet. Despite the fact that these people can somehow see through the ‘ghostface’ masks and run around all over the place, they probably really can’t and just befouled the floor and their shoes
3.  True story that no one will get: about 25 years ago I was at a St Patrick’s Day event at a local bar and went to piss. If you’re not familiar with urinals, you should educate yourself but I was having a good, solid, beer infused whizz, looked over and a popular sports celebrity was peeing next to me. I smiled, stabilized my drunken self, and I noticed was peeing all over his leg. #fuckingclassy #calegundy

Watching this, It’s not so fucking 90s as I remember the first one being but it’s weird seeing a bunch of these folks so young and skinny. I’m a huge fan of Ray Donovan (Liev Schreiber), Timothy Olyphant (you name it), Portia de Rossi (married to Ellen DeGeneres) (or was, that could have changed since I paid attention) but what I thought was the most funny thing, Rebecca Gayheart… I remember when I was a kid, having the hots for her in her OxyClean or Noxzema face cleaning ointment commercials. That picture, while digital, is probably older than JB.

Up next: Part 2:

Speaking of Timothy Olyphant, I see he’s wearing some sort of shirt and has a visible sleeveless undershirt on underneath it. I’ve never understood this. My lifelong understanding of wearing an undershirt was to prevent your armpit sweat from showing or staining your good shirt you have on to impress people. What’s the fucking point of not covering your armpits? Why wear two sets of shirts for no reason. I guess, if these things aren’t popular overseas, here’s what I’m talking about:

Jeez, nice thighs, man. The movie? I think I liked it more than the first. I liked the new cast better and it was “less 90s”. Plus there was some Foo Fighters in there. You can’t go wrong with a little Foo. It was basically the same story as the first, with more blood – which is something they talk about early on in “Film Study”. Now let’s pass the mic over to JB. Oh, since I know JB loves GIFs, I better include one.

Sequels aren’t usually that good, we all know that. It is a topic that this sequel harps on about, and it is  actually successful. For one, I still had an absolute blast with this movie, how conscious it is of the type of film it is, how it mocks and taunts again, even after having done all those things. Scream 2 manages to pull it off. Hell, it even has a (really) brief glimpse of Joshua Jackson in it, so there aren’t complaints for me – except maybe that it could have been more Joshua Jackson????? I need eye candy too!

Screw it, I will provide my own… just the one, I swear…

Anyway, let’s get to the movie. Super big fan of having Dewey back, and watching him argue and snipe at Gale is adorable. Seriously, I absolutely love watching these two together. It is sweet and it is seriously funny, too! David Arquette and Courtney Cox have fantastic chemistry. Sidney Prescott is back and kicking some major ass again, not to mention Gale laying down the law, too. There are a lot of throwbacks to the first movie here, but it all works. Scream 2 knows what it is and apologetically rolls with it.

Now, on to… *drum roll*

THE UNFORGIVABLE DEATH OF RANDY MEEKS

This! Fuck! Why?! This still rankles. I get why it would happen (do I really???). Doesn’t mean I gotta like it. And I don’t. I hatessssss it!

In Randy’s words, “Fuuuuuuuuuck yoooooou.”

Gale develops quite a bit more in this one, which is good. She’s still a bitch, but Gale is fantastic. Cotton Weary plays a bigger role in this one, but I still don’t like the damn creep. Icky, icky, icky.

We get tons of blood, tons of fun, tons of chases and tension and games, and plenty to quote. I thoroughly enjoy the humour in Scream, it just gels with me. In short, Scream 2 delivers everything you could want from a sequel.

Okay, this is the last one. I swear.

JB & The Chop Do: Scream (1996)

What the what?! Yes, you are seeing this correctly! The Chop and I return! We are back in business peeps! After all this time! This time we are back to see what we make of Craven’s slasher franchise. So gear up, get ready, and let it be like old times with our latest crazy collaboration!

SYNOPSIS: A group of teens are pitted against a masked murderer that tests their knowledge of horror movies. – via IMDB

What? A Scream collaboration with the Chop? YES! Dreams! You all know I have crazy love for this. Like, it is madness. My husband laughs at me, he thinks I have lost my mind, but he lets me get into it every time. It is one of my favourite things to watch, and something that gets my attention multiple times a year. I even recently got myself a Scream themed backpack, and I fucking love it!

I grew up watching the Scream movies, and as I have gotten older, I have seen there is even more to appreciate than I ever really realised as a kid – so they are both sentimental and smart for me, so winning! Scream is a stroke of genius. Why? Because it mocks on horror movies, does its thing, conforms (and yet stays original and fresh) and teases and jokes.

Scream also heralds one of the most memorable opening scenes ever. Wow. It stays with you and is handled so damn well, hooking you in the opening minutes. Barrymore was perfect as Casey, introducing the creepy call, and her death totally sets the bloody style for the movies right off the bat. So good!

Let’s not pretend Scream isn’t nineties as fuck, but you know what? It works for it. This movie just owns everything. I have serious feelings of nostalgia when it comes to these movies, and I know there are others out there. Love, love, love this, as you can all surely tell 😀

Then there is Sidney Prescott. For reals, this girl is a freaking awesome Final Girl. She doesn’t take flak, she puts up a fight, and she really goes for it. Sassy, smart, survival.

Speaking of specific characters, we cannot forget fan favourites Deputy Dewey and Randy. Man, Dewey you cannot help but adore, and Arquette is brilliant. Then, of course, there is Randy, the signature film geek you gotta love man. I enjoyed his references.

Scream has fun extolling the rules of the horror/slasher genre, and balances this so well with the movie. We get a fun movie, not something to be taken too seriously, but that still brings the gore, the tension, and the blood to the table. What more could you ask for?!

Also, gotta say, while he is not everyone’s cup of tea (and he isn’t even my cup of tea), Skeet Ulrich is doing the most messed up stuff here, but looks damn fine while doing it (I am specifically looking at all at the end – yes, I know how psycho that sounds).

Anyway, I say again, I fucking love Scream. I am going to stop here because I have reviewed these and discussed these all over the show, so I am going to leave it at these movies are awesome. I am looking forward to covering all of this with my partner in collaboration crime Eric. Much fun ahead. Now that you all know what I have to say about it, what did the Chop think?!

1st off – I would like to say THANK YOU to our JB for agreeing to do another series with me. I was afraid I scared her clean off after the Amityville run. When she came back around and asked if I wanted to do the Scream series, I was all “sure thing – I think I’ve only seen one of them” and now – WE’RE BACK!!!!!

Here’s my history with Scream: I really do remember when this came out and I really do remember that this was featured in the commercials here, where I live:

Obviously, I was intrigued but in 1996 I was going through a divorce and living in this shit-cheap apartment that was built back in the 1930s that really did have a BOILER in the corner for heat. That winter was VERY hard and cold and I basically had to sleep on the floor by the thing to try and stay warm at night. Anyway – one night, my friend and I went downtown to this bar and this band called Jackyl was playing behind it so we went out to drink beer and watch the show.  I’ve never been a really upfront/alpha kind of guy with the ladies – I’ve always let them seek me out – but, for some reason I started lurking lingering around this chick and let her sit on my shoulders to see the band and she ended up following me (us) home.

As things turned out, she had a bootleg copy of this movie on VHS so we popped it in and got under the blanket and started watching it and then *ahem* #romance happened and we never finished it. I also didn’t want to be in a relationship again so I never called her even though that was some of the best #romance I ever had. Several years later I was living with my girlfriend at the time who was totally cheating on me and one night we started watching Scream 3 and got most of the way through it before #romance happened so I’ve never really seen one of these all the way through.

Until now, but unfortunately there hasn’t been any #romance as a result of it although earlier I went and got my copy of True Detective back from my coworker since I’m leaving this place and I’ll never see her again and she said she’d be happy to be in my movie I’m working on and she’s willing to show her boobs if need be, so there’s that. Actually, I guess by the time this posts I’ll no longer be employed here so, hi Future Eric – remember to text XXXXXXXXXXX.

As for Scream – I thought it was good enough. I know I’m the old man of the group, so I didn’t grow up with these like JB and others did so it didn’t resonate with me in all of it’s 90s-ness like it will most people. I thought the “ghostface” costume was dumb and NOT scary and the wardrobes were awful – I half expected the cast to have their acid washed Guess? jeans cuffs pinched and rolled up over their ankles while they smoked Marlboro Light Shorts out of a box. They used to call that the French Rolled or Penny Rolling look around here and it was AWFUL but it looks like rolled up cuffs are making a comeback in Europe and they’re calling it “Pinrolling”. Shit.

Regarding the movie in general, I thought the cast did a good job and it was a lot bloodier than I thought it would be but I got kind of tired of the constant movie references and Matthew Lillard (who I like) drove me crazy at the end. If you’re not familiar with him you might remember him as:

I guess that’s it – I liked it enough and David Arquette was actually decent considering the giant douche he can be. Hopefully these get less 90s as they progress.

Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger Trivia #1: due to the way I grew a great deal taller before everyone else and my lean physique, my nick name in high school was “Shaggy”.

Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger Trivia #2: Sadly, that was not my nickname because I shagged all the hot chicks around town.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Exorcism (2017)

Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?

SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB

Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!

Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.

The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.

The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.

I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it,  I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!

Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.

Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.

There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.

This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.

#Completists

Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.

Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!

Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to  board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.

I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:

Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”

I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…

JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.

When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.

I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.

JB & The Chop Do: Saw VII: The Final Chapter (2010)

This is it, the final chapter! Here we are, JB & The Chop, at another close to yet another franchise.

SYNOPSIS: As a deadly battle rages over Jigsaw’s brutal legacy, a group of Jigsaw survivors gathers to seek the support of self-help guru and fellow survivor Bobby Dagen, a man whose own dark secrets unleash a new wave of terror. – via IMDB

The final freaking leg folks – yes, pun intended! This was definitely not the most grueling franchise that Eric and I have ever covered, but it certainly was the nastiest! Anyway, final stretch here, let’s see how I felt about it.

First thoughts, right off the bat. Brad and Brian???? Guys, what did you do over there at Hard Ticket To Home Video???? Goodness!

I don’t know if I have just become super desensitized or something throughout the duration of these movies – but that opening act was lame. Also: “I think we’re breaking up with you Dina.” – I actually cringed. More so than usual. WTF?! This is just beyond sketchy.

Prior to this movie, all the victims had involvement with Kramer and what went wrong in his life. These victims? Nope. No story provided for them, either, which is unlike this series. Another issue I had was the survivors – I honestly didn’t recognise most of the, so, uhm, what the hell? These traps were obviously not devised at the spur of the moment by Hoffman to hunt down Jill, I am sorry, I just cannot buy into that.

This final chapter is one of the most fucking useless movies I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, the previous six were not exactly a wealth of amazing movies or anything, but this thing? It is so stupid, and so pointless, and it looks awful! Even Saw, with its tiny ass budget, didn’t look nearly as horrendous as this. Let’s not even forget that fuck it, nobody must win in this thing, and the acting was atrocious. This movie didn’t tie in neatly with the rest, either, and sort of languished in the glory of the name of this franchise, but brought nothing to the table.

GORDON LIVES! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK?! Finally, this is answered! The Chop and I have been wondering about this since the first bloody film!

Ugh. to say that this movie was bland and formulaic is the understatement of the century. The fact that our “protagonist” was an asshole and let everyone die is so not a shocker. Ugh. What a freaking dweeb and a loser. The traps were also pretty unimaginative this time around (yes, now I must admit, watching these movies have desensitized me too much), and the movie takes forever to slog through the 90 minute runtime. The logic is also so damaged – not because the other six were brilliant, but at least the freaking things were more consistent than this pile of trash.

I was actually getting a little antsy by the end though about Hoffman not paying for his deeds, because that would have pissed me right off. He is a jackass, and deserved to be punished, whether by legal system or… other means.

Thanks to all of you for sticking this out with us, reading, commenting, and sharing the love/disgust/whatever. We will always appreciate you guys!

This is it!! For now at least… god damn this movie sucked…. at least with the previous six they tried to make some sort of tie-ins. This time the dead Jigsaw is just killing random people for things like cheating on each other. And in public. And he seems to be dressing them in the worst fashion ever:

I don’t know why this irritates me so much but it does. Who was in charge of the costume department that said “Let’s put these guys in matching overalls. All the kids today are wearing brown overalls.”

Also – this opening scene was so fucking stupid I couldn’t stand it.

“I love you!! Kill him!!”

“You bitch!! I’ll kill you!!”

“No I meant I love you!! Kill him!!”

The fucking worst.

I don’t even know what to say about this movie. Jigsaw is killing random people from beyond the grave. Again. Kill me now. Here’s our obligatory picture of Betsy Russell’s boobs:

For some reason, Powder is in this and here are his boobs:

JB & The Chop Do: Saw VI (2009)

Since JB and I are always about honesty and integrity, I’ll be honest and say that, despite my enduring and lifelong contracted love for JB, I’m getting tired of these movies and don’t really see how they have endured so long and made so much money. It’s the same fucking story EVERY time. Opening grossness, weave some new characters into the background of Jigsaw’s life,  burn them, chop them, emulsify them, super fucking twisty flashbacks that try and tie everything together, end. Sigh. At least this is THE FINAL CHAPTER, right!!! Right??? No – CRY CRY CRY

SYNOPSIS: Agent Strahm is dead, and FBI agent Erickson draws nearer to Hoffman. Meanwhile, a pair of insurance executives find themselves in another game set by jigsaw. – via IMDB

Like I said in the opening, I’m getting tired of these things BUT, one thing I have always liked about them are the sexy nurse posters they put out each year for Halloween Blood Drives. Harrumph harrumph!

So what’s going on in here? To be honest again, I watched this over a month ago. Before I went to New Jersey and before I went to Jamaica. I remember the opening act was fucking disgusting and this chicks chops her own arm off to save her life while another person dies gruesomely.

Then we are introduced to some pitiful Insurance Company Executive who reminded me of the second Darrin on Bewitched:

He fucks Jigsaw out  of insurance money for his incurable brain cancer so Jigsaw decides to murder EVERYONE. I still didn’t and don’t understand where Jigsaw got all of the money, time, peace and quiet and parts to make all of these elaborate death traps but OK. Didn’t it turn out that he owned the meat packing plant where most of this shit takes place? It doesn’t seem like it was truly successful considering how shitty the state of everything was…. it looks like the place has been abandoned for 60 years.

I can’t remember if it was Jigsaw himself or one of his many helpers but somehow they kidnap EVERY member of the Insurance team and place them in traps around the joint. Darrin 2 can either let them die or kill himself so he doesn’t really try very hard to save them.

Elsewhere, Jigsaw’s busty widow is running around town carrying out his last wishes.  Wishes he recorded on a videotape before he dies knowing that two million different decisions would have to happen EXACTLY the way he planned them to get to this point. Jigsaw’s widow (the one in the dress):

I don’t know – I guess this just didn’t do much for me. At least with the Amityville movies – as awful as they were, at least the plot was different each time. As pitiful as they were, at least it was something different the next go around. I wonder what’s going to happen in the next one? Something new?????? I doubt it. The only thing I remember about number seven is that the commercial showcased some guy in overalls. There’s nothing I hate more than overalls.

You just know shit is bad when the big celebration point when every film starts is noting the run time.

Goddammit, the opening for this one is really fucking gross! I mean, not that any of them have been particularly savoury or anything like that, but this is just… why?!

Recipe? Naturally. Nothing really changes. Shall we count the ways…?

• Gory opening? Check.
• Billy the puppet? Check.
• Inundating the viewer with gruesomeness? Check.
• Flashbacks? Check. Check. Check.
• Past characters? Check.
• Overly complicating the narrative with insane, unbelievable history? Check.
• Jigsaw “teaching lessons” and “rehabilitating” people? Check.
• Plot twist? Check.

Well, you just knew there was going to be some major payback in this one the moment a health company was revealed – sharks, man, and this movie was really heavy handed with hammering that point home.

Losing Strahm sucked, he was a solid character and Patterson was really good. I was real peeved that his colleagues could think it was him. I mean this was out of the blue, and I am glad Perez reviewed the charges thing, and got Erickson on board, it would be too easy for Hoffman to get away with all that shit.

What the fuck kind of dysfunctional marriage did you have if you lose your baby, your husband goes cuckoo and leaves you and starts playing life and death games with people, and after all of that shit, you still get involved with his plans? Bitch, are you cray?

Man, I thought the movies had moved on from being overly noisy. Evidently I was wrong. Also, more flashbacks than you can shake a stick at here, which is utter madness. These movies are super formulaic, no two ways about that. This one has victims facing off against each other and leaving their fate up to another man, such madness on the loop. It would take something extraordinary from this series to shock me, if I am being serious. It’s all just so nasty and grotesque and gory and trying to be so much smarter than it is. Oh, well. Who the hell knew that one tiny-ass budget film from back in the day was going to spawn all of this afterwards? Wan and Whannell sure as shit had no clue.

On a totally unrelated note, something that has been bugging me for the last few movies is that Detective Hoffman has a mouth like a fucking pouty fish. Plus they were downright glossy in this movie!

Not seeing a major difference…

JB & The Chop Do: Saw V (2008)

Oh man. For reals. These movies keep going. More and more. Still working elaborately to provide a solid story to elevate it above the rest of horror franchises, but forcing in enough gore to keep curling your toes, and hell no people, not in the good kind of way!

SYNOPSIS: Following Jigsaw’s grisly demise, Mark Hoffman is commended as a hero, but Agent Strahm is suspicious, and delves into Hoffman’s past. Meanwhile, another group of strangers are put through a series of gruesome tests. – via IMDB

First things first, 95 minutes again, score!

Naturally, we must open with some gory fucking slaying. There are like zero shockers here anymore. Screw it, you can all cringe with me:

Can I just mention that if someone jumped out at me in the dark, I’d have a fucking stroke? A few months ago I let my friend out the gate at my house, and it was late, it was dark. I have these tree things in the garden, and when I turned around and started walking back down to my flat, I realised something was amiss. I knew it, I could just feel it in the air. I walked real slow, and was waiting for my eyes to completely adjust. I realised that something was not right by one of the tree things, that the shadow was more hulking than usual. My heart skipped, I was in full on fight or flight mode, when my husband cracked up and told me “Don’t worry noodle, it’s just me.” I almost died just there, I was not pleased with him. Ugh.

Just note – all these tree bush things are dead now cause it is winter, but in summer they are all open and leafy and shit. See how he is just lingering just after the one? Now imagine the dead of night, and we do live in a country with a hectic crime rate. So uncalled for.

While we are on the procrastination boat here, discussing everything but the movie, have you guys ever seen the video about living with Jigsaw? If not, I highly recommend it! At least this tangent is sort of related… right??

Anyway, enough rambling. I suppose I must get back to the movie. Meh. Dude. From the beginning it is evident that these people in the latest game should be working together, but oh nooooo, why on Earth would they do that? They were all actually quite frigging annoying, if we are being honest here, and we are all about honesty!

Patterson is, again, really good. I actually thoroughly enjoy his entry to the franchise. He is consistent, solid, believable. A character to root for, and goodness knows we haven’t actually had one of those throughout this series. He was just seriously on the wrong case at the wrong time.

A gimmick that got old quickly was exploring the crime scenes from the back forward. I am so tired of the flashbacks within flashbacks in this series. I have to give it credit though (still), for a gory franchise featuring such gruesome crap, it really tried hard to have an actual story. That is more than most of these things can say. However, that does not change the fact that each of these movies is a recycled version of the last, PLUS AN UNEXPECTED TWIST. Pfffff. As if.

Saw V was going for a big narrative again, and this is where these movies fall short. As I mentioned above, respect for trying to weave this one, huge, elaborate plot and story and characters and all, but sometimes they try to take it too far, if you ask me.

I was also not liking this whole “Make Strahm Look Guilty” aspect at all. Then again, are any characters actually safe in this franchise? No. Pity they gave us one to root for. Fucking sadists.

Luckily this one was, again, not too noisy. Jeesh, some of those earlier ones were out of hand crazy, loud, grating. Anyway, this movie is super forgettable when it is all said and done, except for the end of it. That plotsie is one we remember (sheesh, really did see more of these silly films than I thought – shows you how they are totally not a memorable lot). Also – for such a short film, it felt long. So very long.

First off, I need to issue an apology. Last week I mentioned that Julie Benz was in this and that I swore she was the worst actress around town. Well – when I saw the name Julie Benz I was actually thinking of someone else – Julie Benz is actually a pretty good actress and I really liked her in The Boondock Saints 2 and that TV show she was on (No Ordinary Family). I was thinking of Kiele Sanchez, star of the miserable 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and resident ham in The Perfect Getaway. She was a totally the best thing about Saw V and I guess the joke is on me. What a fucking chop!

Let’s see if number five is going to give us anything different this time around. Open with the gruesome death of someone random who has nothing to do with anything? CHECK.

Follow around someone wearing a hoodie that is way too giant for their head and who also covers their entire face like they’re in the middle of a sand storm in the Middle East? CHECK.

Introduce some random people who may or may not have anything to do with anything but exist to die horrible, painful deaths? CHECK.

Put these people through terrible tests that are NOT POSSIBLE to be completed in the amount of time they are slotted, but they do anyway? CHECK.

The Chop will make a non-vague comment about the bountifulness of Jigsaw’s wife’s bosom? CHECK.

The filmmakers will spend the last 10-15 minutes of the movie using sweeping and circling and flashing series of images to make everything from the last five movies including the new characters in the current movie mash together to try and incorporate them all onto one closely knit web of unbelievably complex and impossibly planned coincidences. CHECK FUCKING CHECK.

The movie will end with a cliffhanger encompassing something that could never possibly happen in a million years because of the thousands of decisions that would have to be made correctly for this series of events to come true? CHECK.

I appreciate what these movies are trying to do (or tried, I guess, since the series is almost over) (oh wait there’s TWO more to go and one in production) – use the same money making trick, add more characters and use the old, now dead characters in flashback sequences. I appreciate that these made a lot of money.  I appreciate that these probably got a lot of guys out on Friday night dates and got some good squeezing action from their terrified or grossed out counterpart. I guess, after watching them all relatively in a row, I don’t appreciate that it’s the SAME story over and over.  Blood and guts, talking, flashbacks, whispering, blood and guts, people who need to work together and don’t, blood and guts, whispering, blood and guts, circular sweeping flashbacks tying everything together, implausible ending sequence. That would be like me talking about a movie and quickly getting distracted by boobs. Like, they other day I watch this movie called Listening with this super hot chick in it named Amber Bollinger.

And I was all ‘hey, wow you’re super pretty and you’re not afraid to show your toppies’ and then I saved this picture as sawv11

And the pic title is totally tricking out my OCD so I need to get off of here before my tics start. That name is worse than having your Starbursts out on a table and not organized by color. To close, I didn’t really like this one very much but ANYTHING is better than THIS