JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (1979)

AND WE’RE BACK!!! I hope everyone has enjoyed some relaxation, massages and foot rubs because JB and I are back and going to hit the Amityville franchise. Now – obviously, we watched these before these posts come out so, there’s been discussion between Mistress JB and I regarding the merits of these movies and their IMDB ranks. I’ve heard a few gripes over the last few weeks about some of these so – in my defense – when I picked this franchise I only thought there were a FEW of them, not 12…. so… yes there are some serious stinkers ahead of us but we persevere and press on! Let’s see what we have going on here….

SYNOPSIS: Based on a true story that was claimed by writer Jay Anson, The Amityville Horror is about a large house on the coast of Long Island where newly weds George and Kathy Lutz and their three children move into the house that they hope will be their dream house but it ends up in terror. Despite full disclosure by the real estate agent of the home’s history, George and Kathy buy the house. George says, “Houses don’t have memories,” but they turn to their family priest Father Delaney who believes the house is haunted and performs an exorcism on the house. But the evil spirit in the house causes him to become blind and makes him very ill. George and Kathy with the help of another priest Father Bolen and a police detective they face the fears of the house, but not knowing the spirit is planning to possess George and then the children… – via IMDB

*MY PART CONTAINS SPOILERS*

I am going to be totally honest and admit that this scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it when I was a kid. I was just getting into horror at the time – Friday the 13th and Halloween and the like and I enjoyed that feeling of being scared so one night I rented this on video tape and plugged it in AND I GOT TO SEE LOIS LANE’S TIT!!!!!

Somehow I kept watching and got to the part where Brolin takes the axe to his daughter and I absolutely freaked the fucked out. My mom’s boyfriend at the time of the watch looked EXACTLY like Brolin with the long black hair and the bushy beard and I just KNEW he was going to go batshit and murder me and my mom in our sleep so I shut that fucking tape off and went and cried in my room – kind of like I did when True Detective was over. And, to this day – or yesterday to be honest, I had always been a little scared to watch it again.

But once our Nightmare series was winding down, I groveled before The Beloved JB and asked if she would do another one with It and she said yes but it was It’s turn to choose the series and, since everyone needs to face their childhood demons I picked this franchise. So, yesterday I sat down and watched this thing and…… aside from the mildly disturbing dream sequence Lois Lane has where her husband murders their child, this wasn’t remotely frightening in the least bit. And – does anyone remember the GIF we made for Nightmare 2 where the teenager gets out of bed and his balls hang to his thighs? I commented on that that I think he’s dropping a tennis ball in his drawers as he arises. What do you think?

Also – someone forgot to put her pants on before she did her stretches.

Seriously, the scariest thing about this movie was when the babysitter got locked in the closet…

I think what we have here is that in 1979 this was probably terrifying to everyone who saw it. It must have made a lot of money because I know they made a couple of these. But – for those of us who haven’t seen it yet – we’ve all seen this 1000 times before. A chair rocking with no one in it, a priest screaming and the devil doing something wacky in a church apse. Flies, blood dripping from walls, cats jumping into a window, blah, blah, blah. Again – this was probably a game changing Devil Haunted House back in the day – or you may have watched it and remember it with nostalgic delight (like me and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS) but, if this is your first time to actually sit through it, it’s noisy and kind of boring. And – despite my memory of it being brutal – no one dies after the opening credits. That was kind of unstimulating. But you probably wouldn’t be stimulated in the first place. I wonder what JB thought? I know she’s a big fan of he remake that I haven’t seen.

#loislanesboobs

#loislanessatan

#loislanesbutt

#satanandhisbuddies

Alright, alright. My turn. Now, I have never actually seen this one, but hey? We all have a few movies we have missed. Yes, I am a fan of the remake (I can see myself getting shot), the Chop got that right. When he piped up that we should watch the Amityville films, I don’t think either of us realised how many there were and the ordeal that we signed up for. Needless to say, people, keep your eyes peeled for like… a Shitfest Friday every Friday 😛

Now, being the first time I have ever seen this, I was relatively entertained from the off (sorry Chop, I know you aren’t the greatest fan). I didn’t find it overly dull, and I really liked how atmosphere was concentrated on more than anything. Sure, we have seen all these scenes a million times before, make no mistake, but the horror genre is a genre, unfortunately, that has a lot of recycled material.

James Brolin was pretty good, I liked him quite a bit, and I liked Margot Kidder. The two of them also worked quite well together. There was plenty wrong with this film, but there were also some things that were done right. It’s a typical haunted house movie, but what makes this one more popular than the others is simply the address, the Amityville house, the infamy. Other than that, it brought nothing particularly special to the table.

I liked it well enough, and the more Amityville movies I watched, the more that I realised that this was simply phenomenal in comparison to the rest of the films that would make their entry to this franchise. And really, this one was a mixed bag – some things it nailed, other things it totally missed.

Uhm… I have actually run out of things to say about this one. I was always sure that I was missing a masterpiece or something, and after watching this I can officially, and with ease, say that I haven’t missed anything particularly gory or amazing. It works alright for a haunted house horror, but it is incredibly dated at times. Not always in a bad way, and I liked the way the atmosphere was built on. That worked for me, it did. Evidently I am pretty much on the fence about this one, but I liked it infinitely more than Chop Eric!

Review: Sharp Objects – Gillian Flynn

Journalist Camille Preaker gets sent to her hometown of Wind Gap by her boss Frank Curry, much against her better judgment. There are strange things going on in the town. A little girl, Ann Nash, was kidnapped and murdered the previous August, and all her teeth were yanked from her mouth. Camille returns to investigate a new story for her paper, and has to go stay with her mother Adora Crellin for the duration. She revisits many old memories she has no use for. Another young girl, Natalie Keene, turns up strangled and missing her teeth, just like the previous little girl.

Camille has a half sister, Amma, who is spoiled, nasty, shallow, false and bitchy. She lives in their deceased sister’s shadow. Marian was always the favourite, though she died decades ago. Camille needs to prove herself back in Wind Gap. The desperate cutter she used to be, the one that was hospitalized and treated, needed to be firmly placed back in the box. She has to find out what the hell is going on, and starts to slowly dig away at family, friends, and the Kansas detective that was brought up to work the case, Richard Willis. Being a local of the town (even though she has moved away) does not make the task of getting people to talk one iota easier.

However, Camille realizes there is something truly wrong with her younger half sister… something that makes her somewhat sick and disturbed. She start paying closer attention to Amma and her actions, and Amma starts paying attention right back at her. The town is breaking Camille. What is going on around here? Who is responsible for the grotesque brutality visited on these two young girls? Camille’s investigation into the story brings her closer to Richard,  but also closer to all the things she fled when she ran off to Chicago. Is she strong enough to beat survive the ghastly little town again?

I don’t know, I read so many rave reviews about Gillian Flynn’s writing, and I have heard what the stories should be about. Right up my alley, I would assume. But no. Everything is so messed up. It is like she glibly adds nasty scenes or inexplicable events to the book solely for shock value. If it contributed to the story in a more real way then it would be fine, but more often than not it is just thrown in haphazardly or just because. Everything is so melodramatic in this book, and unbelievable. Not in the good way, either. The writing style is also jarring, it does not really… flow, per se. It is also written with no real finesse. The self pity that permeates these pages drives me insane – I don’t really have time for people that don’t want to do something for themselves. Everything also feels rushed, and halfway through the book I still felt nothing was happening. It is like it had potential, but there was so much unbelievable crap stashed in it. I could not take Amma’s behaviour seriously at all, far too bizarre and all that. I think that the book’s setting was very depressing, not just the story, but how it was all written about. It had a very melancholy and overly miseralbe and disheartening feel, and that is not always nice. The book was also written first person, which is never really a winner for me unless you are writing an autobiography – it has other times it works, but more often than not it just doesn’t. There is no chemistry between the characters at all, nothing to relate to and get attached to. What a horrid book to work through, I was thoroughly underwhelmed. It irritated me at every word. Not the world’s worst book, it is readable, but something about it just didn’t gel with me.

Review: Dream House (2011)

“Once upon a time, there were two little girls who lived in a house.”
– Will Atenton

Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) moves his family into what is supposed to be his dream house, a new start on their lives and a positive spin on their future. His wife, Libby (Rachel Weisz) is an artist, and takes to moving into a new home with gusto. Their two daughters, Dee Dee (Claire Geare) and Trish (Taylor Geare), move with them. One evening, the girls come screaming to their father, who is trying to write his new novel after resigning from the publishing business – there is a man outside, a man with a funny face.

Will does not take kindly to this, and soon discovers that some man has indeed been watching his family. He attempts to keep it under wraps in fear of scaring his family and ruining their dream of staying together in peace, love and harmony, but Libby knows he is keeping too much to himself. The house’s past is revealed: a family was brutally murdered in the house by the father, who was the only survivor even though his wife shot him in the head.

Teenagers gather in the basement, worshiping Peter Ward in that sick way children do when they are obsessed with death but lack the understanding that comes with it. Will banishes them from the house, but he needs to know more about the house, and goes on a mission to find out what really happened to the family that night, and wonders why the police are not very helpful in catching the perpetrator that has been stalking his family, and why the neighbours treat him the way they do. His neighbour, Ann Patterson (Naomi Watts) is more forgiving, and seems to have a soft spot for Will.

But what happens when you find out you are looking for the wrong answers? Will’s life collapses when he makes the gruesome discovery that he is Peter Ward, that he killed his family, and that he was the lone survivor. The elaborate world that has been created in his head and fueled by his dream house prevent his family from ever really leaving him alone, and Ann lets Peter know that she does not think he killed his family.

Can they piece together the mystery of what happened that night? Is Peter, in actual fact, the killer of his family, and will he have to find a way to come to terms with that? Will Peter ever find a way to move on with his life and bear the stigma of being labelled a psychopathic murderer?

I rate Dream House scores 5.5/10. I was lost for a little when they let the Peter Ward cat out of the bag so early, and they floundered for a while and then found their footing again. I really did not know what they were going to do with the movie after the big secret dropped, but they managed. I felt Dream House was an exceptionally sad movie, and it was actually pretty depressing at times. It was not a phenomenal movie, but truly it had its moments, and the execution was not too shabby, either. There were some serious plot holes, but not so severe (well, a little) as to cast the movie into oblivion. Overall, worth a look see at the very least.