Rapid Review: Halloween II (2009)


“Hey, world! Guess what? I’m Michael Myers’ sister!”
– Laurie Strode

SYNOPSIS: Laurie Strode struggles to come to terms with her brother Michael’s deadly return to Haddonfield, Illinois; meanwhile, Michael prepares for another reunion with his sister. – via IMDB


GRADE 4Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I get why this installment gets so much flak, and it breaks my heart to say that because I really am a Rob Zombie fan. But this movie? What a freaking wreck! The best thing about it is seeing more Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett – because he really is the only likable character. I have no idea how we are supposed to root for either Laurie or Loomis, always fan favourites, in Halloween II. They are both terrible, wretched characters with no redeeming qualities. I was also not a fan of a new young actor taking over from Daeg Faerch as Michael, because I just don’t like inconsistencies. At all. Halloween II is still bloody, gory, and brutal, and holds back on no punches there, and is serious to boot, no little bits of campy horror here. Visually, the film is still appealing, so there is that, and I still enjoyed the mustic. But that aside, the movie is long and it is messy. Long, and yet it feels rushed. What a juxtaposition. There is just no other way. Sloppy writing and a lot of silly stuff is happening, plus so many inexplicable scenes and scenarios (for reals, why the heck did the Sheriff’s house look like a bloody junkie den?), not to mention an overkill of cussing, and that rarely bothers me – but here? Just came across as forced. Let’s not even forget that Michael Myers is really noisy in this one. All that grunting when he kills? I was also no fan of Deborah Myers and her white horse showing up all the time. I can appreciate what Zombie was trying to do, I can, and there were glimpses of stuff that could have been brilliant, but this just didn’t work out quite as well as I would have liked.

Rapid Review: Halloween (2007)


” These eyes will deceive you, they will destroy you. They will take from you, your innocence, your pride, and eventually your soul. These eyes do not see what you and I see. Behind these eyes one finds only blackness, the absence of light, these are of a psychopath.”
– Dr Sam Loomis

SYNOPSIS: Young Michael Myers is committed to Smith’s Grove after the brutal murder of his mom and sister’s boyfriends, and his sister Judith. After being there for roughly 17 years, he returns to his home town of Haddonfield in search of one of the only people he has ever cared about, his baby sister Laurie Strode. As he is tracked down by Dr. Sam Loomis he will kill anybody who gets in his path. – via IMDB


GRADE 6.5You know, I have always felt that this movie gets way too much hate! I know Zombie is pretty divisive for people, but I am a big Zombie fan, that’s for sure. When it comes to his movies, I always respect what he is going for, whether it works out as well as you would hope or not. Zombie’s Halloween tries to give a more psychologically sound explanation as to Michael Myers’s murderous antics, and I appreciate what he was going for. The pre-psychopathic warning tendencies/indicators were shown in their full glory here, as well as the crappy home situation that Michael found himself in (definitely tacky to boot, not the regular middle class family he was from originally). Zombie’s rendition is also a hell of a lot more brutal, gory, and bloody. Plus Michael’s first attack on that kid? It was sinister. Not to mention the extremely graphic rape scene that invaded our screens – that was OTT! Daeg Faerch was a really creepy pick to play a young Michael. I also enjoyed the soundtrack quite a bit, and I think the film was shot really well. However, Halloween is a movie filled with awful characters I just could’t give a crap about, even our new Laurie Strode, even our new Dr Loomis, and that is a pity. There wasn’t really anyone to root for at all. It was cool to see Danielle Harris return to the series (totally different character), but I felt like a total pedophile. Seriously – four movies ago she was a nine year old girl, and here she had her rack out on display. It was madness! Also, I was not a fan of the dialogue – all constantly cussing, and everyone seemed a little… common? You can tell that Zombie loves the original movies, and there are a lot of throwbacks here, but Zombie still tried to make it his own, and his mark is evident. I didn’t love the fact that the movie is littered with a lot of tacky moments, and the modernisation of this did not really help the cause. Anyway, not nearly worth the hate that it gets, and it is a decent watch all around, if I am being honest. Not the best Myers film, but a solid one nonetheless.

Review: The Lords of Salem (2013)

The Lords Of Salem Poster

“On a rare occasion, a special child appears.”
– Megan

In the 1600’s, Reverend Jonathan Hawthorne (Andrew Prine) is intent on ridding the world of the Salem witches. Naturally, a wicth hunt would ensue, and he eventually rounds them all up. They suffer immensely at the hands of him and his cohorts, and are rid from the world for good. However, a deathbed curse from Margaret Morgan (Meg Foster) for the future women of Salem and Hawthorne’s descendants could be far worse than he anticipated.

“We’ve been waiting, Heidi… We’ve always been waiting.” – Margaret Morgan

Heidi Hawthorne (Sheri Moon Zombie) is a radio DJ in the small town of Salem, Massachusetts. Her partners is crime are Herman ‘Whitey’ Salvador (Jeffrey Daniel Phillips) and Herman Jackson (Ken Foree), and together they are the Big H Radio Team. Heidi receives a package at the radio station, and it contains a “gift” from the Lords. The record has some freaky sounds on it, and soon they play the band on air, but the record plays backwards. Their guest on the station, Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), is an expert and published author of the Salem Witch Trials, and he begins digging around more in depth into the town’s history, as well as the inhabitants and their family lines.

So visually stunning to look at, but lacks in other places.

Heidi’s world soon starts to slide. She is not one hundred percent sure what it is, but her head is being messed with. Their is no new tenant in apartment five, though she knows that she saw someone there. The recordings of the Lords of Salem, as they were dubbed, seem to have affected the women in town. Heidi is experiencing the flashbacks, and she is not looking good. Whitey starts to worry that she may have slipped back into her druggie ways. Hallucinations and flashbacks plague her, crippling her mind more and more. Another wooden box arrives at the station from the Lords, containing everything they need to host their massive gig – posters, tickets, the works. The Big H listeners are loving the Lords of Salem.

“Satan! Come to us! We are ready!”

Heidi’s landlord and her sisters, Lacy Doyle (Judy Geeson), Megan (Patricia Quinn) and Sonny (Dee Wallace) take a direct interest in Heidi, and how they plan to use her to resurrect Satan and Morgan. However, Heidi is still fighting to stay in her place, and the three sisters are fighting to have her no matter the cost, and they will not let anything come in their way and stop them. The ancient curse seems binding, but will Heidi be able to shake it, survive it, emerge the victor? Or is she doomed to suffer for her ancestors and their mistakes?


I would rate Lords of Salem 6/10. It was not a bad movie, and it was visually beautiful to look at (all the time), it just felt at times things were a little jumbled. It had creepy looking things to see, but the film was not scary. It is very reminiscent of old-school horror, and that I have no problem with. The soundtrack was awesome (yes, I am a John 5 junkie). I don’t understand why so many people negatively commented on Sheri Moon Zombie being too old for her role (I heard that from a lot of people). She was pretty much where she was supposed to be – she was not supposed to be a young, sprightly spring chicken. She was supposed to be a seasoned but recovering drug addict who is putting her life back together and working at a radio station. I don’t know why people thought she was supposed to be extremely young? Or I missed it and pegged her age and life experience (as hinted at) to belong to someone more mature. But irrespective of all of that, the film was not bad. I was slightly let down, because this film was seriously hyped up, but just to see the look of the film I would watch it again. The film content was a lot more serious than anything we have really seen from Rob Zombie in a while, and that was really cool.