JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Exorcism (2017)

Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?

SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB

Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!

Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.

The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.

The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.

I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it,  I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!

Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.

Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.

There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.

This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.

#Completists

Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.

Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!

Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to  board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.

I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:

Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”

I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…

JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.

When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.

I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.

Rapid Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1983)

“It’s almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don’t miss it. And don’t forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.”
– Commercial Announcer

SYNOPSIS: Kids all over America want Silver Shamrock masks for Halloween. Doctor Daniel Challis seeks to uncover a plot by Silver Shamrock owner Conal Cochran. – via IMDB

There was a lot of this:

And not enough of this:

What the fuck?! I’m sorry, I can’t even be civil about this! What the hell was the meaning of this?! This is the only movie in the Halloween canon I haven’t watched (I have seen all the Michael Myers ones), so when I popped this in, I thought I was getting a new film on Mikey. Well, no. I guess not. I spent the next 100 minutes having my teeth kicked in. Like, you know when a movie is so insulting you are actually offended when it is over? That was this hunk of junk for me. My husband (who luckily did not have the misfortune of watching this crap with me) spent the rest of the night laughing at me and my shock, horror, and incredulity that I had actually watched something this useless. This is Shitfest bad! Gosh! Okay, let’s even forget that there is no Michael Myers, and just go by the merits of the film – it still blows. I really tried to like it (because I love old school horror, so initially I was not phased by Myers being absent – this still had potential). There was this ridiculous “romance” squeezed in, which I think was just there to cover some sex for the movie (no jokes). The relationship was really creepy and forced, too. The movie had no idea where it was going, and stumbles all over the show while trying to find its feet. Sadly, that meant I was stumbling with it. It takes forever to sort of uncover what the bullshit story line was for this, and it is filled with superbly unlikable characters, so it is glaringly obvious that there is no solid story line because you don’t even like these people enough to chill with them while you figure it out. The writing is absolutely godawful, and there was so much illogical crap going down at any given moment, I just couldn’t anymore. Like, I see what they were going for here, but there was just way too much wrong with it. Just because this movie tosses in a few scenes of the last two Halloween movies in it on the TVs in this movie, does not mean I am okay with it being in the franchise, Let’s talk about the last bit of this movie – how many fucking times can it try to kill this guy and have him escape?! I know that is a common theme for horrors – but this surpassed the average rate exponentially. The only redeeming quality of this movie is probably the score, it’s actually really good. Anyway, useless movie that is bad even if it wasn’t ill placed in the Michael Myers canon, and one that I would highly recommend you skip.

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville II – The Possession (1982)

You know, when Eric picked these movies, I thought there were a few, and I knew they wouldn’t be great, but I went with it because hey, let’s see what else there is to watch! Well… then we got these. Really we did. It is pain, it is torture! BUT it is our duty to keep everybody informed and safe from such evils (if you have been fortunate enough to miss the bulk of these), and we take our job seriously! Now, the Chop and I checked out Amityville II: The Possession, and while the fact that I flipped out about it is widely known, let’s look at this one last time, see what Eric has to say!

SYNOPSIS: An Italian-American family move into a house built on an ancient Indian burial ground. The oldest son is possessed by an evil spirit, and is forced to murder his family. The family’s priest feels responsible, and tries to save the possessed boy’s soul. – via IMDB

As you all know, I absolutely hated this. I hated this enough to submit it as my Shitfest entry in the latest running. I mean I didn’t expect great things from this series, but I don’t know when last I watched something that I wanted to scream and rage about. This one was certainly that. Fucking ridiculous I tell you.

I reiterate: Fuck. This. Movie. Fuck it. Don’t go near it. Don’t touch it. Don’t even blink in the direction of it. Do not even, for a minute, consider entertaining that thought that, for a joke, encourages you to check this out. Just don’t even go there. For your own health. For your own safety.

This movie was heavy handed. It was useless. The characters sucked. The dad was an abusive nitwit that I couldn’t bear to look at, and we had to deal with watching him beat up the kids in the family. That wasn’t even just alluded to. As if my stomach wasn’t churning enough, we have a brother and a sister going all the way with each other, you know, cause that’s how it is supposed to be done. I was horrified.

This movie aimed to shock more than anything, and I really think it wanted to be the next Exorcist movie, but that was just doomed and never meant to be. This was just badly put together in every which way. Ugh. What a waste of my life. I will never get it back. Never, ever, ever. This movie was offensive, and I would not even recommend this to my own worst enemy.

Watching this, I was ready to pop someone!

I have no idea how they realistically want to tie this in with the original because come on, nothing fits, nothing gels, nothing works, so I just cannot even tie it in with that one. It just fucks out, and someone should be burnt at the stake for creating this godawful life-stealing, hunk of junk crappy film.

I mean, you can head on over here to check out my Shitfest entry, where I discussed the abusive cunt father, the possessed sister-shagger son, the heavy handed directing and useless movie overall in much more detail.

STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Well, here we are again with a prequel to the big hit The Amityville Horror. This time around the studio bends over and puts its ass in the air to tell the story of the previous family who lived in the scary, old house before James Brolin and Lois Lane. Remember – that was the big money making opening scene in the first movie where the kid went in and gunned down his own family in the middle of the night? Remember how that scared the shit out of everyone? Well, let’s see how they did in telling their story. Hey look! It’s Paulie from Rocky!! Hi Paulie! Are you going to break the mold and be a real stand up guy in this one?? Spoiler – he’s not and this movie says:

“FUCK YOU CONTINUITY!!!”

So this happy family moves in and the dad is a cocksucking dickhead but the rest of them seem ok although the brother and sister seem a little off. I’m sure they’re just really close like most siblings are. Maybe they’re even BFFs! Nice sweater, kid. I wonder if it will come off later.

And, like always when you buy a 100 year old house, soon the faucets are running blood and there are flies everywhere and mirrors are cracking and there’s a giant hole in the ground that leads to hell.

Undeterred, they continue to lead good Christian lives until the son gets horny and he and his sister start doing some fuckin’ – so – yep – that sweater popped off. At first she’s not into it and even confesses to a priest that she went “all the way with…. a friend” but later in the movie she encourages it so I’m confused with that but… eventually the mom gets wind of their behavior and confronts them then the dad gets home, gets drunk and beats the three of them up and down the house.

In the biggest piece of SHITFEST continuity ever produced, the kid kills his parents there in the living room around dinner time and then murders his sisterlover on the stairs so basically this movie says FUCK YOU to the opening of the first, even though it’s made by the same people.

#weak
#idiots
#terrible
#fuckinglosers

Another part of the creepy charm, or what have you, of the first one is that there’s this big money scene where Brolin is getting all batshit and he’s in the library reading some microfiche and he comes across the newspaper article regarding the murder of the family before they move in. Scroll, scroll, scroll he does and finds the accompanying picture of the murderer in the backseat of the cop car and: IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!!

Let’s see here:

FAIL!!!!

Then things start to get worse as some priest thinks the kid is just possessed, so this movie gets it’s Exorcist on and it’s really lame all the way to the end.

Although, I must admit, there was one thing that was absolutely horrifying. Towards the end, the poor, sweaterless girl returns as as a demon and tempts the priest to have sex with her. I don’t know how they pulled it off but it’s absolutely the most terrifying, lip licking seduction of all time. I tried to make a gif of it but this is the first gif I’ve ever made so it’s not the best thing in the world, but hopefully you get the picture.

Since we’re posting these after SHITFEST, I already know how JB feels about this one. I didn’t hate it as much as she did, but it’s not good.  We have’t talked about it yet, but I lobby that this is a million times better than the third….