JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Curse (1990)

“A return to the most dangerous house in the world”?????? HA!!!!! BULLSHIT!!!!! it’s not even the same fucking house in the fucking poster!!! Remember how I reflected on last week’s post saying that it was an awful film but still fun because JB and I watched it at the same time? Well, no such luck with this one and I had to watch it on YouTube and the file was shit and everything was dark all of the time so I couldn’t make anything out and the cast was shit and……. ugh…… Let’s see what we’ve got!!

SYNOPSIS: Five people spend the night in an abandoned house, the Amityville haunted house, and soon find themselves terrorized by assorted ghosts, venomous insects and ghostly apparitions. – via IMDB

 *My part is going to contain spoilers*

This starts off reasonably well with some old priest playing an organ and then going to hear some confessions. In the booth next to him, someone is smoking a cigarette and tells the old coot that he’s sinned and blows the priest away with a handgun. Nice! Next up, an irritating, pudgy Canadian dude wakes up and yells at his Canadian wife to get up because they’re running late and he wants to make money and he’s the fucking most grating person I’ve ever seen in anything. How would this cute, tiny Canadian be married to this fucker? Anyway, they head into Amityville the city to buy this house, marked for cheap. NOTE: It is not the Amityville house from the first three movies that was destroyed at the end of the third but was still around in the fourth.

Soon, the Canadian couple invite over their Canadian friends for the weekend to do some fix-it-up and they all suck and I hated them and one of em is Kim Coates who you might remember from The Last Boy Scout. He whines constantly and smokes cigarette after cigarette and they all really worked my last nerve the entire time.

Coates:

I would mention though that I did like the lead actress (Dawna Wightman) – I thought she was a cute Canadian even though the script was bullshit and so was her movie but she seemed to be likeable, at best. After about 20 minutes of not really giving a shit about what was going on, I finally decided to look up the dark skinned chick because I swore I had seen her in something before and YEP – it’s the witch from the original Conan the Barbarian!

For real, nothing at all interesting happens to these Canadians for about an hour and then the witch takes a bath and her boob floats around and she starts to shave her legs and realizes the water has turned to blood. ACK!!

While she is doing her leg shaving, the cute Canadian is having a nightmare and it turns out that Coates is the asshole who killed the priest because – he abandoned his mother, so he killed the priest and now he’s going to kill everyone in the house because that makes a lot fucking sense. AND – since there’s NOTHING going on at all, they decide to make Coates look demon-y by having the short Canadian splash his face with candle wax. YAWN – spoiler – she kills him. The end.

This is easily the worst out of all of these movies so far but I don’t have high hopes for:

Seriously, when I sat down to write this I could not, for the life of me, recall what the hell went down in this one. I really couldn’t. I sat and fished around my memories for all the shitty things I have subjected myself to recently on this and there was nothing that stood out to me from this. Until I pulled up the Wikipedia page for these movies then it all hit me again like a ton of bricks…

When I finally remembered, I just wanted to shut it out again.

The Amityville Curse is by far the least memorable, most forgettable, longest piece of trash so far in the film series. Not even kidding. It was a yawn from the opening credits, and let me just tell you that there were no improvements after that. This couple buys this house in Amityville, and no, before you ask, it isn’t even the house. But fine, now apparently all of Amityville is cuckoo since DeFeo deemed it so.

These friends all move in to a house together. Right. But… uhm… I was a bit confused. You have a newlywed couple that bought the house, another couple and some dude helping with renovations and they have all moved in together. I don’t know, but since when do five adults move in to the same house together? Especially the way it was done? Not only that, but Marvin was a total twat. Gosh. How does he even have friends? As if the movie wasn’t already annoying enough, that tit had to open his mouth and it would all just get SO. MUCH. WORSE.

Oh yeah, and there was some angry dog that tried to savage Kim Coates… almost did us a favour, but noooo, you have to only half deliver, right dog? You could have ended this… all of this…

Moving on from that, this movie has no idea what it wants to be. It languished forever going nowhere incredibly slowly, and then before we know it Frank is cuckoo-crazy-and-insane and possessed and killing weird old housekeepers and drinking and his face is burning and he is hunting his wife and friends down and the basement is all bizarre and a dead priest is in the thick of everything and there is some pissant showdown by the end and… what the hell did I just watch? I mean really. This movie is typically something that adheres to Anna’s Vacuum Test. I promise. Tried and tested. Ugh.

I, too, was desperate to escape.

What I must give this movie credit for is making the others look infinitely more thrilling, even though they are all mostly crappy. It had some terribly sketchy acting, a horrible score, a stupid, stupid, stupid plot and it wasn’t even like some old, crappy movies that are so bad they are good, or have redeeming qualities. This was just… I will never, ever be able to reclaim those 90 minutes of my life 😦