Rapid Review: The Imitation Game (2014)

the imitation game poster

“Advise about keeping secrets: it’s a lot easier if you don’t know them in the first place.”
– Alan Turing

SYNOPSIS: Based on the real life story of legendary cryptanalyst Alan Turing, the film portrays the nail-biting race against time by Turing and his brilliant team of code-breakers at Britain’s top-secret Government Code and Cypher School at Bletchley Park, during the darkest days of World War II. – via IMDB

the imitation game

GRADE 8Finally got around to seeing this, and I must admit that I did enjoy it. I was looking forward to it not only for Cumberbatch (though yes, big draw) but because I have covered Turing and some of his work for my studies, and I find it fascinating. So a movie on the man? To find out more? I was sold. The Imitation Game had a great cast working for it, and I enjoyed what they all brought to the screen. I did not want to throttle Keira Knightley, which was a really weird experience for me. Cumberbatch, obviously, stole the whole show here, and presented Alan Turing in a wonderful manner. He made you laugh, he made you feel sorry for him, and he never lost you along the way. His interactions with Charles Dance were simply too amusing for words. I was happy to see Allen Leech in here, too, and Matthew Goode was more entertaining than I can explain – his character Hugh Alexander definitely did not get along with Turing at all. Watching Turing’s whole team was a treat, from the exasperation, frustration, and finally admiration, the journey is quite a sweet one. Turing’s story is fascinating, and Morten Tyldum did a good job of conveying it to the audience without necessarily losing you along the way, but he certainly brought nothing fresh or new to the table, which was also quite disappointing from time to time. It is very formulaic at times, but that doesn’t necessarily cripple the movie. Sometimes there was also an issue of things happening in a totally nonsensical manner, but we were expected to buy into it because that was how they had to tell the story. I suppose there isn’t really time to flesh it all out perfectly, but occasionally discoveries and actions just felt forced. The Imitation Game obviously focused on WWII and the machine that decoded the Nazi Enigma code, as well as the code-breakers that worked incessantly and fruitlessly on it for so long, but did not necessarily explore more of Turing’s work. Also, do not go into this thinking you are going to get the average war movie, you will be sorely disappointed. This movie is about Turing, his work, and parts of his life. While not a perfect movie, it is engaging and well presented, and deserves a look, at least once, even if just to get more people familiar with Turing.


JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Haunting (2011)

amityville banner

Amityville is still in full swing people! Hell yeah, you know it! We have been having a crazy party for weeks now every Friday, and it just keeps getting better. Can this franchise top itself? It it even possible? After last week’s awesome entry, could they keep going in a strong direction? Well, they’ve tried their hand at the old found footage thing. Yep. Found footage. True story! Well… what did we think about their found footage dabbling? Read on to find out!

amityville haunting poster

SYNOPSIS: This movie is a ‘found-footage’ film about the Benson family who move in to the infamous house where the DeFeo family were murdered in the 1970s over 30 years earlier. Things start happening to anyone who visits this house, and whoever lives there. This is the footage retrieved from the camera. – via IMDB

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Are you fucking joking? I mean really?! As if these movies weren’t offensive enough, we have stepped into found footage filming! I promise you! Found footage!!

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This piece of crap movie starts with friends all banging in this Amityville house and then there is a family moving in.

From there, things get so much freaking worse. I kid you not. The lamest, stupidest, cheesiest deaths all start happening. Nobody can act to save their lives, and there was no creepy aspect to it. None whatsoever.

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I always seem to get to the place in these ridiculous movies that I think there is no possible way they can get worse. I always think this. I am always wrong. This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever watched. And I am not even just saying that. I mean it. I just couldn’t buy into anything that went on. The characters were stupid, the movie was shot ridiculously, the dialogue was so faulty, everything was just fucking stupid and I hated every second of it. There was nothing to commend about it, either, nothing creepy, nothing that could mean anything.

The camera being ever present was not realistically explained at all (which I know is common to most found footage movies) but hell. This one… I just… and that dad was a prick on top of it all. His family was pretty terrified of him, and that nobody addressed that is beyond me. Abusive twat. Plus he went cuckoo in the end. Totally batshit crazy.

amityville haunting daddy has gone mad

Alos, they are calling this house the Amityville house. Is this where we have gotten? After all this time?

Hold the phones kids! Apparently DeFeo didn’t kill anyone and someone else did and that someone else is like.. tiny and I just don’t even know how we got to this dark and evil place. How the fuck could these movies get any worse that they already were?!

Confession Time:

1 hours 23 minutes took me 6 hours to watch. I am the fucking master of all procrastinators.

master-procrastinorI hated it.

I FUCKING HATED IT.

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This goddamned movie sucked the most balls out of anything I think I have ever seen. Some puke family buys “the Amityville house” from the original even though it’s been destroyed in all of the sequels. This bag of puke films the entire thing and we have to see his bag of puke face way too many fucking times:

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Being found footage, the cocksucking camera glistens and statics and puke shit ghosts appear. See this next picture?

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That’s allegedly the ghost of the kid who killed everyone in the first one except he’s like, eight.  Apparently he’s haunting the house and causing workers and real estate people to die. He also eats the daughter’s cereal and stands there by the fucking door. At one point the dad gets mad and starts punching the air where he thinks the ghost is. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen and I wanted to take a fat shit on this movie but I was watching it on my computer and didn’t want to soil my brand new monitor.

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I hated everything about this movie: the puke acting, the puke found footage, the puke Amityville house with it’s fancy new appliances and wood floors, the puke ghosts, the puke ending and the puke puke I puked while watching this puke. FUCK YOU, movie!


Review: Rememberers – C Edward Baldwin

rememberers cover

 Rememberers #1

I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: For 19-year-old Kallie Hunt, everyday moments began feeling all too familiar. She had a sense that she’d lived them before. But that was crazy, right? Deja vu. That was kid’s stuff, right? Been there, done that, impossible. You got one shot at this life thing. One shot. You lived. You died. End of story.

But if that was true, then why would the government be interested in her? Why would priests literally be stalking her? How could a small town girl possibly have anything to do with saving humanity from terrorists and demons? And pray-tell, what does any of it have to do with her first love?

For Kallie Hunt, there would be no simple answers. Besides, nothing in life is ever really simple. Not good. Not evil. Not even love… – via Goodreads

GRADE 4This book had a description that sounded mildly interesting (note, I didn’t get the synopsis on Goodreads) and I thought that it had possible potential. It started off and wasn’t particularly engrossing, but I trudged along anyway. Soon there was a possibility that things would look up… we had the church, hidden secrets, some weird agencies with their “soldiers”, dead terrorists and all that, I could even start dealing with the stunted dialogue. But then, just as quickly, that was lost. I honestly wanted to enjoy this more than I did. When Kallie was introduced, there was nothing I found even remotely likeable or identifiable about her, and that is most likely what kept me even more distanced from this book. Exploring this whole déjà vu thing was something I was looking forward to. Admittedly, the memory biology and the majority of the psychology discussed and presented in this book was well researched, accurate, and explained in a fantastically simple manner, so as not to lose any readers, and I appreciated that. As a psychology student, I hate it when some books drag in some slap dash psychology and then they are either wrong or so complicated that it doesn’t make sense to the average reader eventually anyway. So things were on an even level, nothing too amazing, nothing too bland, just average, and I was alright with that. But before I could blink my eyes and adjust to the next thing, Kallie was actually the goddess Kali or otherwise the First Woman, her boyfriend was silly and not fleshed out, FBI agent Bennett was basically stalking Kallie for answers to terrorist plots, the whole religious secret society petered out, there was no real explanation as to Rememberers and demon possession all over the show. Johnny Swag never had me convinced about his religious ties and was creepy from the off, Seth was such an annoyance, and I found Josh to be the most entertaining character of the lot. I think the end also just did it in for me, and I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. It was just a tad too over the top. Rememberers was ultimately incredibly flawed and I was a little let down when all was said and done. The book came across as very preachy, the writing didn’t always flow (sometimes it did and other times not at all) and the dialogue was not something that interested me, it didn’t come across as natural. The book was also much longer than it needed to be. Also, every time that things start to get interesting, you are ultimately disappointed because Baldwin teases with all these brutal things going down but never delivers. I suppose this book will be much more enjoyed by younger teens and people who haven’t read much, but it wasn’t my cup of tea, sadly.


Rapid Review: Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

lars-and-the-real-girl-poster

“You know, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What we call mental illness isn’t always just an illness. It can be a communication; it can be a way to work something out.”
– Dr Dagmar

SYNOPSIS: In this comedy, Lars Lindstrom is an awkwardly shy young man in a small northern town who finally brings home the girl of his dreams to his brother and sister-in-law’s home. The only problem is that she’s not real – she’s a sex doll Lars ordered off the Internet. But sex is not what Lars has in mind, but rather a deep, meaningful relationship. His sister-in-law is worried for him, his brother thinks he’s nuts, but eventually the entire town goes along with his delusion in support of this sweet natured boy that they’ve always loved. – via IMDB

lars and the real girl bianca lars and the real girl look

GRADE 7So I watched  this the other night at a movie night, a movie I have been meaning to get to for ages and just didn’t ever do it. Everyone tells me that Ryan Gosling is amazing in here, and now I can finally say that he was incredibly impressive here. Gosh, he made me cringe! To take an actor like Gosling and get him to look and be like he was in here? I loved it. So damn awkward! He portrayed Lars in a way that you pitied him and also found him so extremely stunted but sweet and silly, all at the same time. Anyway, I liked the story, and feel that they balanced the drama and comedy well. It was never too much of both, and you get drawn into how incredibly nice the people are in Lars’s town. I felt so sorry for him by the end, because he genuinely just turned in on himself. I could totally understand his brother Gus’s frustration with the situation, because it isn’t an easy one, and he himself was carrying quite a bit of guilt for how his brother had turned out. I think the movie did a really good job portraying some psychological issues, both for the affected person as well as how it impacts those around them. Gosling did a wonderful job in genuinely selling to us that he was dating Bianca and that she, the plastic doll, was respected and loved and a real part of his life. That doll provided me with endless laughs, because not only was she creepy, she went from looking like a hooker to a more normal and bland kind of person, and before you even knew what the hell was happening, she was having her hair done, getting baths and changed and she was some religious virgin living with Gus and Karin because Lars had to respect that. I mean wow. I can only think of the medical bills attached to the amount of time that Dr Dagmar had to see both Lars and Bianca. Anyway, the score suited the film, and it was shot quite well. Lars and the Real Girl is quite different and something else, without a doubt. I am glad to say that I have finally seen it, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call it my favourite Gosling film. It doesn’t strike me as the kind of film I will be rushing to see again anytime soon, even though it was an entertaining watch.


Drew’s Movie Reviews Sporadic Scene: The Matrix (1999) – I Know Kung Fu

I welcome Drew of Drew’s Movie Reviews back today with another fantastic scene to share with us! If you aren’t already following his blog, head on over there to check it out! Thanks a lot Drew!

If you have a scene that you would like featured, drop me a mail at sporadiczoe@hotmail.com with a picture/gif/video of the scene and an explanation as to why (should you want to include it).


Come on, who honestly hasn’t quoted this scene at some point in their lives after watching The Matrix?  I know I have.  Other than Neo dodging bullets, this is the scene that comes to mind when people mention popular Matrix moments.  The way Neo was talked up as the Chosen One, one couldn’t help but hope that he would overcome the master on the first try.  Unfortunately, that’s not how any story has gone down. Ever.


Rapid Review: Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

exodus poster

“Remember this. I am prepared to fight. For eternity.”
– Moses

SYNOPSIS: The defiant leader Moses rises up against the Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses, setting 600,000 slaves on a monumental journey of escape from Egypt and its terrifying cycle of deadly plagues. – via IMDB

exodus charge

GRADE 3So you know, when the trailers came last year I thought this looked alright, like it had potential. There were some big names attached to it and all that, I was under the impression Ridley Scott could do something with it. However, when I popped it in and saw the running time, I was a little sceptical. You have to be bloody brilliant to keep me entertained with a story for that long, but you know what? This is a movie based on the book of Exodus. Shit went crazy there, so I was sure that this would be alright. Oh my gosh, was I ever mistaken! For one, I have absolutely no idea what Bible Scott read. No jokes, seriously. I mean, it must be some special secret edition or something. That movie was not very loyal, at all (last I checked, one of Moses’s big selling points was that he could move water, not wade through it). It was long, oh so very long. It felt like it was never going to end, and it wasn’t getting to the point, either, which was even worse. Let’s pretend, for instance, that this was not some biblical epic, but just some film. Crazy concept, a war between brothers, help from a higher power, some extreme violence… well, the costumes looked like crap, the film was shot badly, everyone had a grating accent, there was no character development (and yes, I said that), what the fuck was Jesse doing out in the middle of the desert again, and why did everything look cheap and icky? Not only that, the hardcore plagues we came to see? Hustled through in about fifteen minutes. The battles from the trailer? Please, they were all there, nothing new in the film really. The logic was also incredibly flawed (all those Hebrew slaves magically outfitted with horses and the ability to waltz off and train and do their thing whenever they wanted, just for starters, as well as being crushed by an ocean. It means you’re dead, especially when you are in the middle of it). Also, there was nothing particularly emotional to identify with or any reason you would root for anyone. I know, I know, it looks like I am being harsh. Honestly, I read a lot of bad reviews on this, but I was still willing to give it a chance, I really was. Sitting down and watching it was just a really painful experience, though, and I really would not recommend it to anyone. Even when trying to look at this as a story that is not from the Bible, it really just falls flat, and there were crazy deviations from the book of Exodus throughout… no. I didn’t like this, I really didn’t. Plus there were some sketchy effects. Overall, pretty sucky, Bale and all!


JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (2005)

amityville banner

HA! After months of watching some really crap drab Amityville films, we finally get to the one that I have been waiting for… the only film of this entire franchise I had even actually seen before undertaking this project! Anyway, the Chop had never seen this one, and after the road we have come along for this, what did we both think of the remake? Is it one of those Hollywood fuck up embarrassments like A Nightmare On Elm Street or The Wicker Man? Did The Amityville Horror rise above those films? Is it as bad as some people say? Is it worse? Today we delve into these extreme existential questions of the Amityville Horror remake!

amitville horror poster

SYNOPSIS: In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz along with their three children move into an elegant Long Island house. What they don’t know is that the house was the site of a horrific mass murder a year before. They decide to keep the house and attempt to keep the horror in the past, but are now haunted by a murderous presence. This is until, George starts to behave weirdly and their daughter, Chelsea starts to see people. What follows is 28 days of sheer, unbridled terror for the family with demonic visions of the dead. Based on the true story of George and Kathy Lutz, The Amityville Horror remains one of the most horrifying haunted house stories ever told – because it actually happened. – via IMDB

amityville jb1

Let’s get it out of the way right now. I used to like this film well enough. More than other people, I reckon. But then I started watching this dastardly franchise and let me tell you something… I have come to realise I freaking love this movie!

And no… not just for Ryan Reynolds…

ryan reynolds body

Although, you know… he’s really fucking fine!

ryan reynolds hot

Okay, okay, in a serious light though! Moving on… (ladies, stay tuned ;) )

The Amitville Horror so does not deserve the hate that is thrown upon it all the time. Really. I liked the original just fine, so it isn’t even because I hated that. I just think that this one came together pretty well plus Ryan Reynolds.

amityville ryan reynolds

There were some creepy aspects to it, though never anything truly horrifying or scary, it really went for jump scares. However, little kid below hauling ass to go pee and hauling ass and jumping into his bed? Totally believable. Hell, I’ve hit quarter chicken status in life and sometimes (especially when I am home alone), I can scurry from my room to the bathroom and back and only feel safe again when I get to my blankies. Don’t even judge me monkeys!

amityville horror guest

The Amityville Horror is not the offensive remake that it could have been. It holds itself in its own right and offers some pretty cool entertainment, provided you do not take it to be a true story.

Plus, Ryan Reynolds.

amityville horror 2005 ryan reynolds

I swear, he isn’t the only thing about this movie that is appealing! Besides strutting his stuff looking sexy as hell the whole time, he also happened to be pretty damn good in the role. See… Reynolds can do more than just comedy, though he is incredibly adept at that :)

ryan reynolds rose

Okay, okay. Uhm, let’s see… there was also the awesome concept of him losing his shit and wielding an axe and stomping around and freaking out (Lauren, I know that this worked alright for us – well, the appearance and minimal clothing, at least).

amityville horror going home

I think this person missed the point of which way to take “George” out of the bathtub for a hug… wrong way tub arms!

amityville horro bath

Okay, okay, seriously. The story has obviously been pimped and changed up so that we get more of a “horror” film and does not work on atmosphere like the original. There are plenty holes and stuff, but I think… I think… more Ryan Reynolds makes the world a better place…

amityville horror more ryan reynolds

This was the first of these films in a really long time that didn’t leave me with this reaction:

amityville horror screaming

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Like I said two months ago, I had never seen this because I was scared shitless by the original back when I was a kid. When this came out I was also not really into Ryan Reynolds (although now I am a big fan) and JB was 15 years old. Feel old yet???? So, as we watched these in order and it came time for something modern I REALLY liked this movie and……………………… RACHEL NICHOLS and MELISSA GEORGE?????????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE IN THIS???????????????? I mean, I know this next clip is from P2 but….. OMG OMG OMG

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I’ve been a big fan of hers since I saw her in THE WOODS so long ago. And by big fan I mean – no wait. Let’s not go there. This isn’t my site. Did someone say G.I. Joe???

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So – back to the movie. This time around Reynolds and George play the heads of the family that move into the fateful hou-

a2005c

Sorry. ~the house and the demons start to get up in Reynolds grill and he starts chopp-

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*shakes head to regain composure*

~ starts chopping up firewood and there’s a ghost running around and sticking her finger in the hole in her head and there’s some flies and Reynolds yells at-

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*loosens collar*

*wipes handkerchief across back of neck*

*wonders where this fucking handkerchief came from*

~starts yelling at everyone and Chloe Grace Moretz is on the roof and why did they have to kill the dog and I wonder if Marley Shelton will show up in this post and there’s two piece bikinis and libraries and someone nee-

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HUH WHAT HUH HUH HUH What’s going on here?? I really liked this movie!!

a2005g

*goes outside*


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