Resolutions 2015: Hotel Transylvania

Another year of Resolutions underway with Cara over at Silver Screen Serenade, and I watched my annual animation. Hop on over to see what I thought about Hotel Transylvania.

Silver Screen Serenade

We made it to the end of another week! Huzzah! And you know what? I’ve got another excellent guest post for Resolutions to send you into the weekend! The incomparable Miss Zoë of The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger has stopped by today to share her film resolution! Now most of you already know Zoë, I’m sure, so you’ll know that my use of the word “incomparable” is pretty spot-on.

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JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know that this is the end of the Elm Street run the Chop and I have been having a total blast with and all that, I just really wish that we could have gone out with a bang. Like… it should have ended with Freddy vs Jason. I would have been down with that. Instead there was another one, and I, personally, don’t know anyone that wasn’t particularly offended by this that knew the franchise. That might all change today though. I know Eric hasn’t always hated this movie, and doesn’t mind reboots, but that was before knowing that the Freddy Krueger movies were all about. I wonder if he will change his mind? I hope so…

But aside from that, thank you to everyone who has read these reviews and taken the time to share their opinions and put their feelings out there. We love it when you guys speak up and let us know what you think! Plus two, we had some really great comments throughout, so thanks for the laughs!

Lastly, remember that Shitfest will be commencing soon, so anyone who wants to whip up an entry, pop it over to Eric at ei@theipc.me – Shitfest is fun and awesome and the best thing ever, so please, let’s do this thing! There is a deadly trophy to be won, too!

SYNOPSIS: Death stalks the dreams of several young adults to claim its revenge on the killing of Freddy Kruger. Chased and chastised by this finger-bladed demon, it is the awakening of old memories and the denials of a past of retribution that spurns this hellish vision of a dreamlike state and turns death into a nightmare reality. – via IMDB

What the fucking hell was the point of this stupid fucking movie? UGH.

If you want to read something of more substance, I have a Shitfest entry, a review on my site, and one on Tim’s site. There. It’s everywhere. And today, again.

Fuck the makeup.

Fuck the characters. Pity, too, because the cast was actually relatively decent.

Fuck whatever the hell they did with Freddy Krueger. Talking like a weirdo, looks stupid, so not Robert Englund, wrecked back story, the works.

Fuck this remake. Sucks, too, because you would really think with all the updated technology and shit that they could have worked wonders. The effects were relatively good for the most part, but that could not save this abomination.

There. I said it. I said it all, as nicely as I possibly could. Don’t even judge me.

Well then, let’s move on to prettier things so that I can smile for the rest of the day.

I honestly don’t think I need to justify anything here… at all… just… enjoy.

Alright, I am out. Again, THANK YOU ALL FOR READING, and thank you so much for collaborating with me again Chop! It is always a total blast and much fun to be had, and this was no exception (even when it got dodgy). Wonder if we will be doing something again sometime???? 😀

It’s funny what things bring people together. I wrote about this movie a long time ago – which you could see HERE if you felt the burning desire. I suppose, if you feel some burning you might want to go to the local clinic and get that checked out. While you’re waiting in the lobby, instead of reading three month old magazine’s, you could check out one of Zoë’s first ever posts on my site HERE – she rails into this thing like an out of control 18-wheeler. That was back when we were first getting to know each other – so to speak and now look how close we are. Or am I just imagining this??? CRY CRY CRY. One day, before we got together and started watching movies together – we also had THIS to say about this movie over at BEERMOVIE.NET. And now look where we are… as close as kittens!!! Maybe?? JB??? JB?????????? JB??????????????????

When we started this series, I admitted to the world that I had only seen a couple of these things – the first, in the theater, the third, on a dare and this one. I also admitted that I didn’t think this was a bad film (but not great) but that I didn’t know shit about the franchise in the first place and I submitted that, if you’re not familiar with anything going into this, you probably won’t think it’s too bad either. If you look at all of those comments on Zoë’s post – you can see that this is pretty much universally reviled but I still stand by the stance that this isn’t THAT bad. Freddy’s Dead has to be the worst movie of the lot and maybe even one of the worst movies ever – to me – compared to that, this is an award winner.

I liked the cast and I thought the cinematography was decent enough. I liked the dream sequences and the leggy blond. I thought it was still super dumb that anyone can fall asleep in three seconds and have lucid dreams – even when you’re fucking SWIMMING…….. AARGH!!!

But, if I do have to say something bad about it – while I don’t have anything against Jackie Earle Haley, so to speak, after seeing Englund do the character so many times, I thought he was an incredibly bad choice. For one thing, he seems like he’s four foot shorter than Englund and all he does is growl like a feral dog. I doubt anyone would be too scared of him unless he put on some platform boots.

One thing I ABSOLUTELY hated, though, was the fucking new makeup. I noticed, during the first 11 movies that the makeup changed with each film and thought “Continuity??” but I didn’t make the movies so, oh well. The makeup in this one is atrocious and was totally off putting every time Fred was on screen. I also thought it was weird that they changed his back story from a child killer to a child molester….

I guess I better start to wrap this up – I didn’t try very hard to find a GIF of Connie Britton being pulled through that mirror to end this thing (a throwback to the end of the first one) so let’s go with this and have a good time for a couple of minutes:

(ED: Chop, I found one for you!)

And to finish: JB!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been so much fun!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU for doing these with the poor, old Chop! You are the best and this project has been EPIC!!! Let’s work together again real soon!!! Thank you to all of you who have read our words on these things and thank you all for the fun comments! I may not have liked all of these movies but I sure liked this project!!!

As for one last Easter Egg – did you know that Zoë and I had a cameo in the second one??

THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING!!

Love,

ei

the ipc double take featuring the sporadic chronicles of a beginner blogger: drive (2011)

Eric and I teamed up for another Double Take over on The IPC. This time we waxed lyrical about Drive. ❤

Review: The Maze Runner – James Dashner

Maze Runner #1

A young teenage boy named Thomas awakes in a strange and foreign place with strangers all around him. The strangers call the area the Glade, and they are all young boys. No parents, no adults, nothing. Thomas learns that the Glade is located at the centre of a maze, and that the youngsters all have jobs to sustain everyone around them, from farming to keeping cattle to building. An important division of theirs is called the Runners, and these guys explore the Maze daily, desperately looking for a way out. Thomas has no memory before arriving at the Glade, and lives in a state of extreme fear, and nobody seems willing to answer his questions. The Maze, on the other hand, seems to have other plans. Locking everyone into the Glade at night, nobody can re-enter the Maze, which shifts itself about at night, creating a new map to explore the following day. At night, too, some dangerous creatures seem to lurk within the Maze.

Another young Glader named Chuck befriends Thomas, and he fluctuates between wanting total isolation as well as wanting a friend. Chuck seems to fit the bill. After Thomas’s arrival, things start to go strange. For instance, he almost instantly becomes the nemesis of Gally, an older boy, who detests him on sight. When things start going strange and changing in the Glade, Gally accuses Thomas, saying he remembers him but cannot place him, and he knows it isn’t good. Thomas shakes it off, and has his heart set on becoming a Runner, to help solve the Maze, but it seems the chances of that happening are minimal. However, one day the camp leader Alby and Keeper of the Runners, Minho, return to the gates of the Maze but won’t make it in time. Thomas decides to violate the Number One Rule of the Glade: he enters the Maze to help the boys, though the chances of surviving the night are microscopic. Thomas refuses to accept this, and does his utmost to survive.

Naturally, Thomas, Minho and Alby survive the night, and Alby is able to get some medication that he needs to save him after being stung by one of the deadly Grievers, the creatures from the Maze. When he comes to, he is changed, and treats Thomas just as suspiciously as Gally. Minho, on the other hand, believes that Thomas might be their best hope, and Newt, Alby’s second in command, seems to agree with this for the most part. However, the Creators, the people that put all the kids in the Glade, send up a girl named Teresa one day, and say they will no longer be sending up any more kids. Teresa triggers the end of something, and the Glade goes mad. The Gladers have to find a way out, and they have to do it soon. Thomas feels a strange connection with Teresa, though he does not understand it, he is too scared to share his thoughts on the matter.

What is this connection between Thomas and Teresa? Who put all the kids in the Glade? What is going on? Will they find a way out of the Maze? Did Teresa trigger the end? Why does bad stuff keep happening in the Glade since Thomas arrived? Why is he treated like a traitor at the best of times? What is the point of the Maze?

Well, I watched the movie first before getting to this, and I liked it well enough. I thought the concept was good, and I was horrified that I had not read the books before watching. I have no defence. At any rate, getting started on the book, the one thing that I can give it is that it is not a particularly long read, though it takes only a few pages to start working on your absolute last nerve. I am not a fan of Dashner’s writing style, and I was particularly peeved that so many of the characters spoke like “gettin'” and “runnin'” and the likes. Plus two, it is you, not ya at every thing. I was unimpressed with how much “cussing” and “swearing” this lot did with the usage of words like klunk, shuck-face, and shank. It got grating and annoying, and while I understand these books are marketed for young adults, there is not darn reason in the world that there needed to be so much slang thrown in in ridiculous ways. The book could totally have done without it. And every time I read “good that” I thought I was going to chuck my Kindle. Now, don’t get me wrong, not everything was bad. While the characters were not as fleshed out and as layered as I hoped, and the book took the mystery far too seriously with way too little payback and shallow relationships, the concept itself was very good. I think it has a lot of potential, and I would love to see how the story plays out over and beyond this, even though the pacing is odd and the characters are bland. I was not a fan of Teresa, either, who could have been a strong female lead and instead was just… hollow. I was not impressed. All the characters are flat, I suppose, but then she is just meh and pretty, no more. She felt forced. I also didn’t actually feel anything for anyone or the situation they found themselves in. Dashner didn’t convey emotion and feeling, he just tells you what’s going on the whole time, which meant I couldn’t get lost in the story, which is a real shame.

January Blind Spot Review: The Ides of March (2011)

“I’ll do or say anything if I believe in it, but I have to believe in the cause.”
– Stephen Meyers

SYNOPSIS: Stephen Meyers is a young idealist who’s brilliant at communications, is second in command of Governor Mike Morris’s presidential campaign, and is a true believer. In the middle of the Ohio primary, the campaign manager of Morris’s opponent asks Meyers to meet; he offers him a job. At the same time, Morris’s negotiations for the endorsement of the man in third place, a North Carolina Senator, hit a snag. A young campaign intern, Molly Stearns, gets Stephen’s romantic attention. Republicans have a trick up their sleeve; Stephen may be too trusting, and Molly has a secret. What’s most important, career, victory, or virtue? – via IMDB

There we go, first movie on my blind spot list checked off. I have been putting this off for years, and not so much intentionally as that I keep forgetting that it needs to be watched, and when I remember, my other half rejects the idea of a political film. So not his thing. So now I had to watch it, and I had to make the time. It was on a list, right? Right. The Ides of March was a smart and engrossing film. That is the first thing that I would like to say. From the opening scene and from thereon out, it demands your attention, and I’ll bet you it will receive it. Ryan Gosling gives another hell of a performance here, though it is something I have come to love about him. He is very talented. It was really great to see how Stephen preps all of Morris’s stuff, and practices and tests it, and how phenomenally different it sounds when you see Clooney step up as Morris and pull it off. Evan Rachel Wood was good again, as was to be expected. I liked the story for this quite a bit, and thought that it was pulled off really well. Philip Seymour Hoffman was at his finest here, and captured the essence of his jaded character perfectly. He exuded the power and control he was supposed to, and owned every second he was on screen. The whole cast was solid, and all contributed really good efforts that are seen throughout the film. I thoroughly enjoyed the pacing, how everything starts gradually and then just snowballs into this huge and out of control situation, with everyone stabbing someone else in the back, and Stephen learning all about how being an idealist is a really difficult thing to be in his line of work. I actually enjoyed the romance between Stephen and Molly, and really wished that the movie had focused on that a little bit more, giving it some more meat. Overall, I think that The Ides of March was a successful political drama all around that I would recommend if this is your scene. It was definitely my cup of tea.

Sporadic Scene: Batman Begins (2005) – The Doctor Isn’t In

Obviously I am a huge fan of Chritopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy. This was just one of those priceless scenes. I thought that casting Cillian Murphy as Dr Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow was absolutely ingenious – he was everything the role needed to be. However, to see the cocky doctor doused with his own fear gas and terrified beyond his wits was something to see, and his reply was just perfect.

If you have a scene that you would like featured, drop me a mail at sporadiczoe@hotmail.com with a picture/gif/video of the scene and an explanation as to why (should you want to include it).

Rapid Review: Chef (2014)

“I may not do everything great in my life, but I’m good at this. I manage to touch people’s lives with what I do and I want to share this with you.”
– Carl Casper

SYNOPSIS: Carl Casper is an acclaimed chef with a family life that seems as decaying as his artistic freedom. Those frustrations boil over into a raucous viral-videoed public confrontation against a restaurant critic who panned his cooking of food that his boss ordered him to make against his instincts. Now with his career ruined, Carl’s ex-wife offers an unorthodox solution in Miami: refit an old food truck to offer quality cooking on his own terms. Now with his young son, Percy, and old colleague, Martin, helping, Carl takes a working trip across America with that truck to rediscover his gastronomic passion. With Percy’s tech savvy and Martin’s enthusiasm, Carl finds that he is creating a traveling sensation on the way home. In doing so, Carl discovers he is serving up more than simply food, but also a deeper connection with his life and his family that is truly delicious in its own way. – via IMDB

This is something I have been waiting a while to look into (sounds like so many of the movies I have been watching recently), mainly because I really enjoy Jon Favreau’s work. Plus a food flick? I was not sure  how this was going to work, but it came back with solid reviews, and let me tell you, with good reason. I think Favreau is actually a pretty damn good actor, and his skills were out on display here. I thought he was a fantastic chef, and his character made me laugh and exasperated the hell out of me because he was relatively miserable (by his own choice), and really did not focus on his son.

Granted, there is nothing revolutionary about this story whatsoever, but Favreau pulls it off, making it sweet, heartwarming and funny. The performances all round were so good. Scarlett Johansson again managed to not work on my last nerve (she is really going back to where I used to like her), John Leguizamo delivers such a likable character that gave me plenty of laughs, the friendship between him and Carl really was something to check out, Emjay Anthony was adorable as Carl Casper’s son, Robert Downey Jr had a great little cameo and Dustin Hoffman really was not a very nice guy – though I loved his Stones quote, of course.

One thing Chef did super successfully was the social networking integration (specifically Twitter in this case). Usually that is something that is never pulled off properly in movies and instead adds to serious annoyance levels, but in the case of this it was done properly, adding to the story and not taking away from it. It was a wonderful journey to undertake with Favreau and his portrayal of Carl Casper, moving from depression to losing everything to working to get his life centred again, repairing his life, so to speak.

I would highly advise, however, that you eat something prior to viewing or have a magnificent mean/sandwich/whatever when you are watching it because just watching that food the whole way through really got me hungry. Serious food porn going on here.I thoroughly enjoyed the story, the direction, the score and camerawork for this. Again, while predictable in places and nothing we have never seen before, Chef carries itself well, and is definitely something to see! 

The Iconic Book Scene: Darkness take my hand by The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger

Yep yep, found another epic part of a book that I really wanted to share, and so I put it up over on Natasha’s blog (Life of this City Girl). Join us and spread some book lurve people!

Life of this city girl

Happy Friday friends!

Today I bring you an installment here on my little blog that Zoe and I run around with sometimes. Today’s post is from her that she read in Darkness Take My Hand. Her discussion is below… Thanks Bestie!!

I have loved Lehane’s work from the first time I clapped eyes on his work, and I have grown nothing but more fond of it as time progresses. The Kenzie and Gennaro series is a real great read and sharply written. Reading Darkness, Take My Hand, I read this and it just resonated with me

PS: If you want to take part, drop me a line with your quote and explanation at natashastander@gmail.com.

Enjoy your weekend!

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JB & The Chop Do: Freddy vs Jason (2003)

Here we are again, Zutsonians! The second to last one…. it’s sad that this will be coming to an end soon but ——————– do we have anything in store next???? You’ll have to keep tuning in here to find out!!! Here’s a teaser: yes we do! I believe Zoë is doing these out of her own free will but I know I just LOVE our projects ❤ ❤ <3!

So…. yeah……….. Freddy vs Jason – I would like to say that this was my favorite of the bunch but I don’t think it beats the first – or even the second maybe, for that matter. This was definitely more modern and sleek and VERY bloody but I am more of a Jason guy and seeing Fred turn him into a crying baby for a few minutes was kind of off-putting. I also thought the end was WAY too drawn out and could have been cut down a little – I mean – it was almost ridiculous AND (maybe I’m being a dick) but isn’t Fred Krueger a human when he’s not in Hell or whatever? No human being could take the kind of beating he takes from Jason and still keep swinging. Oh well, I definitely didn’t hate it or anything and Katherine Isabelle!!! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!!! GROPE GROPE GROPE!!! Let’s see what we’ve got here….

SYNOPSIS: It’s been nearly ten years since Freddy Krueger terrorized people in the dreams, and the towns folk want to keep him erased from their memory. Freddy still has one more plan on getting back to Elm Street. He resurrects Jason Voorhees and sends him off to kill. The more bodies which fall to the ground, the stronger in which Freddy becomes. This is until, Freddy realizes that Jason isn’t going to step aside easily, and must be taken down himself. – via IMDB

So Fred is in hell and – aw snap – everyone in the town where Elm Street is has forgotten about him and he’s real sore about it. So he decides to resurrect Jason Voorhees to help stir the pot a little while he creeps back into peoples dreams comes back to life as a real human being capable of slicing up John Ritter’s kid and a bunch of stoners. There’s also a rave in a cornfield and something to do with some sleep studies and Monica Keena:

Keena is there to represent, I believe, the sensuality found in nature – the physical embodiment of what Fred Krueger failed to achieve in his life – a blending of the purest form of love found only in drea – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat:

Where was I?? Sorry about that. Kruger and his buddy Voorhees decide to have a strip poker party and invite Keena as the entertainment. She works the stripper pole for an hour and a half and leaves with The Chop to do some private entertaining in the Champagne Room where touching is allowed and because she likes him so much it’s Pro Fucking Gratis. Three hours go by and –

SHIT!! Sorry about that!! My mind must have wandered hahhahahahaha! So at that Rave I was talking about, Keena and The Chop do just a little Ecstasy and slip off into the cornfields to rub each other’s backs and shoulders and give back and thigh massages and maybe even do a little kissing and petting and then end up stark naked and examining each other #ForScience #Research #Studies #Doctorate #Professor

Sweet Jesus, what’s going on here today???? Did someone turn up the heater in this building or something? Someone might need to hose me down with some cold water or something….

So I’m sitting here in my office writing this piece and Keena shows up and asks me if I like her shirt. I tell her it looks pretty good but she better take it off so I can inspect the fabric, you know – to see how soft it is. I wouldn’t want it to be abrasive or anything. I have nothing but her breasts best interests in mind, so she takes it off and hands it over to me and I sniff it real good and hide it in my file cabinet for safe keeping and lock my office door and we start to 

Like I was saying, Krueger is back and wants to start killing again and then he and Jason have a big fight to the death! YAY!!!!! WHOOP!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! GO GO BUFFALO!!!!

You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to get some air.

Alright, so I have a crazy soft spot for Freddy vs Jason, I have an absolute blast with it all the time. It was cheesy, it was fast, it was so painfully clichéd in some places and all that, but it was just totally worth looking into. It was just one of those mash-ups that worked in so many ways. I am not usually a fan of these things, but this one was just what it needed to be, and it came together well.

Freddy vs Jason is certainly more of a Freddy Krueger movie for me, as it seemed he was the one with the biggest plot and also seen as the most dangerous villain. I thought that Ken Kirzinger did a damn fine job as Jason, and he was just one hulking monster taking people out all the time, and I was totally alright with that (who knows, one of these days we might look at all the crazy films that belong to the Friday the 13th canon). Robert Englund simply owned as Freddy Krueger (again – as if we expected anything else).

One of the best things about this movie is the fight scenes. I thought they were well done, action packed and just a little dodgy at times… in the very best way, of course! There were syringes, machetes, air canister missile things, Freddy’s glove, fire, water, everything. Outrageous to boot but awesome!

Something I must admit – there are a lot of boobs in this one. Not necessarily open, out there on display boobs, but holy crapsticks, I think the lead was cast purely on what she looked liked when squeezing her bust into an itty-bitty shirt. I am sure that was just awesome for the male viewers, really.

I enjoyed the premise, and Ronny Yu did a great job directing this. He managed to fuse the two universes successfully (in my opinion). The pacing was fine, the plot was better than most we have seen in the Krueger canon at the end (though the same can be said of Jason’s films), and the soundtrack worked for it. Also, some Katharine Isabelle for those of you who are interested.  You can’t really go wrong with Freddy vs Jason for a thriller/horror/action type thing, and there were some great throwbacks to both the franchises. I know that this movie isn’t the most popular, but I totally think it is deserving of some love.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Review: The Witness – Nora Roberts

SYNOPSIS: Daughter of a controlling mother, Elizabeth finally let loose one night, drinking at a nightclub and allowing a strange man’s seductive Russian accent lure her to a house on Lake Shore Drive. The events that followed changed her life forever.

Twelve years later, the woman known as Abigail Lowery lives on the outskirts of a small town in the Ozarks. A freelance programmer, she designs sophisticated security systems — and supplements her own security with a fierce dog and an assortment of firearms. She keeps to herself, saying little, revealing nothing. But Abigail’s reserve only intrigues police chief Brooks Gleason. Her logical mind, her secretive nature, and her unromantic viewpoints leave him fascinated but frustrated. He suspects that Abigail needs protection from something — and that her elaborate defenses hide a story that must be revealed. – via Goodreads

 

Who the hell knew there would ever be a day where I was reading Nora Roberts novels? I mean I know Natasha is a big fan and has been haranguing me for years to read her work, but I have always written her off as a cheesy and stupid romance writer (and we all know how much I love a romance novel at the best of times). However, I have come to find that she actually does write rather well. For instance, for a romance, The Villa was a particularly enjoyable read – one I am sure I will go back to again.

Then this is one Natasha told me to put above all others to find out. Alright already, I’ll do it. I really, really liked how this started – Russian mobsters and silly teenagers and all that. Again, I love books featuring the mob. Then we got to a new town after all the severe drama went down and it felt like the book just lost steam. Before you have even processed you have moved into bland territory, a relationship springs up after meeting each other once. For me, that is too rapid, especially considering all the things Elizabeth/Abigail has gone though in life. I got severely irritated with the amount of sex talk going on – I distinctly got to the stage where I wondered if Brooks and Abigail could do anything more than think of and talk about sex constantly. It got really annoying, and contributed nothing to the book. Surely there are far more fascinating things to fill the pages with?!

I was also not a fan of their relationship, it jumped up out of nowhere and was too rapid and defied my willingness to suspend reality even. Brooks is an exceptionally boring love interest. Anyway, aside from those complaints, it was not the worst book ever. Actually, it had some things that I really liked, and others not so much. I liked that it was a quick and easy read, and Roberts can write, though she isn’t the world’s greatest writer, she can entertain you. I didn’t like Abigail’s character much, because I didn’t find her very endearing or quirky or sweet – just annoying. I liked the relationships Brooks had with the community around him. I also liked the little dramas that popped up throughout the book, though some of it does feel contrived, it was fun for me.

I know that this is a romance novel and it is what Roberts does best, I just really wanted this to be a crime novel (where was the scary-as-sin mob discovery and showdown?!), I think she was really onto something in the beginning, or she really needed to work the romance differently later. There wasn’t any real passion between them.